Have you ever felt lonely in your relationship, when you feel that you are the only one who seems to care about the other person and your relationship?
Things aren’t the same between you both anymore, you don’t know what happened … but all of a sudden you don’t share that mutual connection you once had. . and now you feel completely alone.
You might feel lonely because your relationship dynamics have recently changed because of a new child.
Or perhaps you feel lonely because you’re both so busy and barely have time for each other anymore.
Or maybe you’ve just slowly lost touch with each other as the resentments and squabbles pile up between you.
But regardless of the reason, you simply feel UNSEEN by your partner.
But why?
If you’re feeling lonely in a relationship, you’re not alone.
Every couple at some point experiences this problem. And what is the major cause of feeling lonely in a relationship other than genuine relationship breakdown?
Thoughts.
Note: This article does not present black and white advice. Sometimes your partner has stopped trying, given up, or let the relationship die. In this case, your loneliness may be due to a sense of mental and emotional separation from your partner who no longer cares. If this is the case, I encourage you to reconsider the relationship as it may be harming your health and happiness. Please take this free test to determine how healthy your relationship is.
Related: 6 Simple Ways To Reconnect With Your Partner When Feeling Lonely In A Relationship
HOW YOUR THOUGHTS INFLUENCE REALITY
We grew up being taught a number of harmful beliefs about romantic relationships. Namely:
- My partner is responsible for making me happy.
- My partner is responsible for fulfilling all of my needs.
- If my partner doesn’t do what I want them to do, they aren’t suitable for me.
In other words, we approach relationships with very warped thinking patterns that were conditioned into us since birth.
When it comes to feeling lonely in our relationship, we tend to blame that feeling on our partners — or the relationship itself — and what IS or IS NOT happening.
Take a moment to think about the reasons why you might be feeling lonely.
In fact, you might like to get up a blank document and divide the page into two. On one half write: “Things that are happening in my relationship that are making me feel lonely.” On the other half write: “Things that aren’t happening in my relationship that are making me feel lonely.”
Likely you will discover a number of interesting reasons why you’re feeling lonely in a relationship of yours. Often these reasons fall under the following categories:
- Your partner isn’t spending enough intimate time with you.
- Your partner is less caring than you.
- Your partner is less committed than you.
- Your partner isn’t paying enough attention to you.
- Your partner doesn’t show gratitude for what you do.
- Your conversations are purely transactional and have no depth.
- Your partner doesn’t care about the same things you care about.
Have you noticed something interesting here?
All of these reasons for feeling lonely in a relationship seem to exclusively point to THE OTHER PERSON, and nothing to do with your own thinking.
In fact, when we are suffering, our thoughts are the last place we look.
Related: Feeling Lonely? 5 Effective Ways You Can Change That
HOW TO STOP FEELING LONELY IN A RELATIONSHIP… RIGHT NOW
The best way to stop feeling lonely in your relationship in the long term is to examine your thoughts about it.
We tend to think that someone loving us will get rid of our loneliness. But this isn’t true.
How many times have you been surrounded by a loving family or friends, but despite their love, you still felt unhappy in some way? If being loved by others was truly what made you happy, you wouldn’t feel this way.
The same thing goes for your relationship.
How many times in the past has your partner treated you with love, kindness, and concern, but you still felt miserable or discontented about something else in your life?
If it was your partner’s love and attention you truly sought, you wouldn’t be unhappy in those moments.
So what is it that is truly making you feel lonely?
Belief in your thoughts.
When you believe the thoughts in your head about how your relationship “should” look or feel, you feel lonely.
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Nathan Togoryamba