Detaching: How To Let Go with Love

Detaching How To Let Go with Love
How Do You Let Go Of Attachment To Things
How Do You Let Go Of Attachment To Things

Benefits of Detaching

Letting go reaps us profound benefits, not only in the relationship, but in personal growth, inner peace, and all areas of our life.

  • We learn to love
  • We gain peace, freedom, and power
  • We gain time for ourselves
  • We become more resilient to loss
  • We learn independence and self-responsibility
  • We encourage that in others

We’re responsible for our thoughts, feelings, actions, and the consequences of those actions. Other people are responsible for theirs. Cheering someone up occasionally or giving him or her more attention is not codependent. A benefit of a good marriage is that spouses nurture one another when one is troubled, but not codependent caretaking, and it’s reciprocal.

In contrast, when we consistently try to change others’ moods or solve their problems, we’re becoming their caretaker based upon the erroneous belief that we can control what’s causing their pain. We’re assuming responsibilities that are theirs, not ours. Sometimes codependent couples unconsciously agree that one spouse has the obligation to make the other happy. That is an impossible task and leads to mutual unhappiness, anger, and resentment. The cheerleader is always failing and frustrated, and the recipient feels shame and resentment. Whatever we try won’t be quite right or enough.

Related: The Science Of Love: Lust, Attraction, Attachment & Brain Chemistry

How to Detach

Detaching starts with understanding, but it takes time for the heart to really accept that ultimately we’re powerless over others and that our efforts to change someone are unhelpful and possibly detrimental to us, the other person, and the relationship.

Take these steps to practice detaching:

  • Ask yourself if you’re in reality or denial.
  • Examine whether your expectations of the other person reasonable.
  • Honestly examine your motivations. Are they self-serving?
  • Practice allowing and accepting reality in all aspects of your life.
  • Allow your feelings.
  • Practice meditation to be more attached and less reactive.
  • Practice compassion for the other person.
  • Be authentic. Make “I” statements about your genuine feelings rather than offer advice.
  • Practice the tools for detaching in the “14 Tips for Letting Go” on my website.
  • Attend Al-Anon or CoDA meetings. Read and do the exercises in Codependency for Dummies.

If you answered “yes” to several of the above questions, consider learning more about detaching and get support. Detaching can be very difficult to do on your own.

©Darlene Lancer 2020

Adapted from Codependency for Dummies, 2nd Ed. (2015) by John Wiley & Sons

Written by Darlene Lancer Originally appeared in

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