For anger, try smashing a pillow on your bed or couch repeatedly (or scream into a said pillow, to move your energy that way). Always make sure you do anger processing away from pets and small children, who don’t have the tools or awareness to know what you are doing. This is work best done by yourself, in a place where people won’t worry about you or the noises you make.
For sadness, try crying. Try throwing a temper tantrum and thrashing about on a bed. Try sobbing from the deepest depths of your pain. There’s energy inside you that wants to move… and you are allowed to let it.
Another important point to name here… is that it is imperative that you stay connected to your body during these emotional release practices.
It’s all too easy to eject out of our bodies and/or get lost in our stories when doing deep emotional work. Instead of staying connected to the movement of the anger/sadness itself, you might start picturing the painful events of your past and focus too heavily on them. If you get lost in your head during emotional catharsis work, then this doesn’t actually move the energy through you… it just keeps it stuck and the cycle perpetuates.
If you need to, pause if it feels too overwhelming. Above all, you want to stay in the felt, body-level experience of it.
Having given your pain some breathing room, it’s now time to move on to the next step. The following steps are where we start to take ownership of some trickier parts of our mind, and this is where the real work begins (so don’t be surprised if your ego resists some or all of the following four steps). Steps 1 and 2 are likely to be the parts of this process where you have the most practice… and steps 3-6 are the ones where we start to wake up from our pain cycle and move into real healing.
3. Make a list of all of the things that you have ever done to women
Again, this is where the ego can start to kick up and you might experience some heightened resistance. The ego, that wants to maintain separation and be correct about its stories, craves the satisfaction of living behind the perpetually pointed finger. ‘Women are the problem! I have nothing to do with this!’ Alas, nothing will come of this story aside from a life lived behind a wall of projection and fear.
Now, take out several pieces of paper and write down all of the ways in which you have been unkind to women. Victimized them. Taken advantage of them. Knowingly hurt them. Abused your power with them. Said things to make them hurt.
The more thorough, and honest, you can be in this process, the better off you will be for it (and the easier the following steps will become).
If a part of you wants to skip this step and stop reading here, then I promise you that you will always be at the mercy of your mind’s stories. I, personally, had many highly convincing stories as to why I shouldn’t forgive women in my mind (bullying, rape, emotional abuse, manipulation, etc.). But I didn’t let the pain win. I didn’t want the contraction in my heart to define me. And an important step in that process was acknowledging all of the ways that I had begun to do many of the things that I had told myself that women had done to me.
Defenses do what they would defend against.
When our pain is left unchecked for too long, we often start to become the monsters that we are doing battle within our own minds.
So it is an imperative step that you take ownership of all of the things that you have done to women, whether you rationalized it as a justifiable response or not.