Dating is a graveyard of broken hearts. There isn’t a single one of us that doesn’t have battle scars.
If you’re like me, you may have learned that being vulnerable and seeking closeness only causes your partner to push you away. Maybe you’ve been called needy or sensitive. If you’ve heard it a few times, I have bad news for you: you probably are.
Since common dating advice teaches us that this is bad, we adapt and hide our true needs and feelings. We put on the mask of independence and stuff our feelings into the black box of our soul. We hide ourselves from the world. If you do this long enough, you may start to hate yourself. I know I did. At this point, any self-help advice you follow is done out of self-hatred. It’s done out of desire to be someone else. Anyone else.
Here’s the problem. This is wrong.
Our society and life experiences have taught us to be attracted to those who make us insecure. We confuse the anxiety and ambiguity in a relationship with passion and chemistry. As a result, we find ourselves in unhappy relationship after unhappy relationship. We began hiding more of who we are while we become more insecure, just to hold on to our partner.
This is not the love nature intended.
You are only as troubled as the relationship you’re in. And if you find yourself in relationships where your partner calls you needy or sensitive, than you’re probably attracted to an emotionally unavailable partner. Will that really make you happy?
I want to help you change that, as I have for many of my clients. Below are the secrets to finding a fulfilling and happy relationship that will boost your confidence, your security, and your happiness far more than you’ve ever experienced.
Below are five secrets to finding your soulmate
1) Your Needy Relationship Needs Matter
Face it. You’re sensitive and needy. Any hint of rejection in the relationship puts you on high alert. Sometimes you are obsessed with waiting for your partner’s response.
Sometimes you text the person more than you believe you should. Sometimes you call four times in 3 minutes, and then you wonder why you did it.
When I was in a toxic relationship, I’d snoop through text messages, loiter around places I thought my non-responsive partner would be, desperate to find an opportunity to be close. I was obsessed. It was ruining my life. My friends and family were worried.
Eventually, I found out that we are only as troubled as the relationship we are in.
When we use common dating advice, we attract a person who refuses to acknowledge our need for intimacy and security in a relationship.
You will never be happy if your needs for intimacy, availability, and security go unmet. The key to finding a soulmate who can fulfill those needs is to recognize your needs and believe they are legitimate.
Don’t let people make you feel like dog poop for being dependent or needy. You shouldn’t be ashamed for feeling incomplete when you’re single, or for wanting closeness to your partner. It’s okay to be dependent. Understanding yourself – your attachment style, things that trigger insecurity and what your true needs are – is the road to a fulfilling relationship.
Once you accept your needs in a relationship, you can begin deciding whether the people you date are willing to meet those needs.
Instead of trying to find ways to change yourself to get someone to fall in love with you, like so many relationship books advise, change your question: Is this person willing to provide what I need in order to be happy?
2) Understand Attachment Science and Avoid Avoidant Prospects Quickly
The science of love has given us many insights about relationships. It teaches us why people do what they do. It explains why they act crazy and how we can express our needs in ways that get them met. Most importantly, it teaches us to notice emotionally unavailable partners and stop ourselves from being turned on by these kinds of people.
Another easy way to know whether you’re dating an avoidant – someone who is emotionally unavailable – is to notice how they make you feel.