Why You’re The Real Problem In Your Relationship, Not Your Partner

Relationship problems are common and it’s easy to point fingers to blame your partner for anything that goes wrong in the relationship. Often, we can easily find out a million mistakes that our partners have made. This is especially true if you are a “nice guy”.

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However, what is extremely difficult is realizing that maybe you are at fault and you are the one who is toxic in the relationship.

“Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.” – Barbara Johnson

 

Relationship Problems: When Your Partner’s Not The Problem, Maybe You Are

It was classic one finger pointing at my partner, three pointing back at me. It happened like this…

Prefer to watch me present live? Check out it out.

The Problem

Man, I was pissed off. For the second time in a week, she changed plans on me. She got out of her appointment. Then she decided she could not meet me, as planned. Damn, it was her idea in the first place.

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She left me one of those voice text-memos. “Listen, I’m headed home. I need some time alone. I hope you’ll come by later.” I wasn’t even a part of her decision.

She overbooks herself, then needs time for herself. And who feels the impact? Me, of course.

 

Speaking My Truth

And then I thought, I need to tell her my truth. This is not working for me. I don’t feel like a priority to you.

She needs to know where I stand. I’ve been playing “flexible nice guy” and it’s not serving me. No more withholding.

Damn! Relationships are such a pain in the ass.

I start recording a voice memo back to her.

“Hey babe, that didn’t work for me. For you to just send me a voice memo and then go home. We had plans and besides… it doesn’t feel right for me to now drive to you… and also…”

Midway I stop. This feels pathetic and whiny. She said she needs some alone time. I don’t want to dump this on her now. I delete the voice memo.

I take a breath. Damn, I’m jacked up.

Looking At Myself: The Epiphany

“Love cannot live where there is no trust.” – Edith Hamilton

I toss the phone on a table. Shit, I don’t know what to say to her. I pick up the phone. I text a response –“Got it. TTYL.”

I’m proud of not escalating, creating something out of nothing. But it’s not nothing. Then, what is it?

I need some time. I can reply in an hour. Let her have her time. I need to figure out what’s going on inside of me.

I tap in. Feel my feelings. It’s clear to me. I’m angry. And I know that underneath anger is often sadness. I’m sad, disappointed that I did not get a chance to see her.

I feel some more, then I think, Did I tell her to call me before she made her decision? I consider it further. Shit, I didn’t. I told her to either come by or text me. I wasn’t clear.

In fact, I realize, I told her to take care of herself and let me know what she decided. I was being my classic, flexible nice guy. A mask I’ve worn often in the past. A pleaser, a caretaker…until my angry jerk shows up.

Wow! Immediately, my jacked-upness deflates, like hot air gushing out of a balloon. I feel relieved, humbled, and even proud for pausing and seeing things. Old patterns die hard, but with work die nonetheless.

I was pissed at myself for not advocating for what I wanted. And then I was ready to dump it on it her, in the guise of “speaking my truth.”

I laugh. What an awesome realization. A sacred f*#k up, I call it. A great mistake to teach me, not to wear the nice guy / mr. cool “all good” mask. But instead, to speak up for what I want – respectfully. Good stuff. I smile.

The Debrief

So, what’s the takeaway here? How easy it is to project at our partner exactly what we are avoiding in ourselves. And what a superpower to be able to do otherwise.

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Stuart Motolahttp://www.StuartMotola.com
Stuart Motola specializes in helping individuals and couples attract and maintain a fulfilling partnership. He helps individuals attract who they seek (i.e. date more effectively), kill the voice of desperation and aloneness, and know the difference between a love that makes you big versus a love that makes you small. He teaches couples how to repair after conflict, cut unconscious cycles of projection and blame, communicate more responsibly, and to take risks to reignite passion and aliveness. Stuart has shared his expertise as a coach, author, speaker, and facilitator throughout the world and wrote the #1 Amazon best-selling book “Fixing You Is Killing Me: A Conscious Roadmap To Knowing When To Save And When To Leave Your Relationship.”
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