Why You Are The Real Problem In Your Relationship, Not Your Partner

Relationship problems are common and it’s easy to point fingers to blame your partner for anything that goes wrong in the relationship. Often, we can easily find out a million mistakes that our partners have made. But what if, YOU are the problem in your relationship? When you are the problem in the relationship, relationship issues get complicated.




What is extremely difficult is realizing that maybe you are at fault and you are the one who is toxic in the relationship.

“Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.” – Barbara Johnson



Relationship Problems: When You Are The Problem In Your Relationship

It was classic one finger pointing at my partner, three pointing back at me. It happened like this…Prefer to watch me present live? Check it out.

The Problem

Man, I was pissed off. For the second time in a week, she changed plans with me. She got out of her appointment. Then she decided she could not meet me, as planned. Damn, it was her idea in the first place.

She left me one of those voice text memos. “Listen, I’m headed home. I need some time alone. I hope you’ll come by later.” I wasn’t even a part of her decision. She overbooks herself, then needs time for herself. And who feels the impact? Me, of course.




Read: 7 Common Relationship Problems And Simple Ways To Fix Them

Speaking My Truth

And then I thought, I need to tell her my truth. This is not working for me. I don’t feel like a priority to you. She needs to know where I stand. I’ve been playing “flexible nice guy” and it’s not serving me. No more withholding. Damn! Relationships are such a pain in the ass. I start recording a voice memo back to her.

“Hey babe, that didn’t work for me. For you to just send me a voice memo and then go home. We had plans and besides… it doesn’t feel right for me to now drive to you… and also…”

Midway I stop. This feels pathetic and whiny. She said she needs some alone time. I don’t want to dump this on her now. I delete the voice memo. I take a breath. Damn, I’m jacked up.

Looking At Myself: The Epiphany

“Love cannot live where there is no trust.” – Edith Hamilton

I toss the phone on a table. Shit, I don’t know what to say to her. I pick up the phone. I text a response –“Got it. TTYL.”

I’m proud of not escalating, creating something out of nothing. But it’s not nothing. Then, what is it? I need some time. I can reply in an hour. Let her have her time. I need to figure out what’s going on inside of me.




I tap in. Feel my feelings. It’s clear to me. I’m angry. And I know that underneath anger is often sadness. I’m sad, disappointed that I did not get a chance to see her. I feel some more, then I think, Did I tell her to call me before she made her decision? I consider it further. Shit, I didn’t. I told her to either come by or text me. I wasn’t clear.

When You Are The Problem In The Relationship.

In fact, I realize, I told her to take care of herself and let me know what she decided. I was being my classic, flexible nice guy. A mask I’ve worn often in the past. A pleaser, a caretaker…until my angry jerk shows up.

Wow! Immediately, my jacked-upness deflates, like hot air gushing out of a balloon. I feel relieved, humbled, and even proud for pausing and seeing things. Old patterns die hard, but with work die nonetheless. I was pissed at myself for not advocating for what I wanted. And then I was ready to dump it on it here, in the guise of “speaking my truth.”

I laugh. What an awesome realization. A sacred f*#k up, I call it. A great mistake to teach me, not to wear the nice guy / Mr. cool “all good” mask. But instead, to speak up for what I want – respectfully. Good stuff. I smile.

Read: These 9 Enneagram Personality Types Can Predict Your Relationship Problems

The Debrief

So, what’s the takeaway here? How easy it is to project at our partner exactly what we are avoiding in ourselves. And what a superpower to be able to do otherwise. A few questions to ask yourself the next time you’re in conflict.

  • What am I really upset about?
  • Is it at myself for not acting a certain way?
  • How would I do the interaction differently next time?

The point is we can almost always do better. Ultimately, our greatest powers lie in how we show up, not in how we can change or control our partner. Sure, we can make requests. And also… love yourself when you screw up. The contrast is moping, beating yourself up, and then projecting it into your relationship.




when you are the problem in the relationship

Remember, each of us is fully responsible for the relationship, not one another and lastly, it’s not the conflict in a relationship that’s the problem, but one’s inability to deal with it skillfully.

Written by Stuart Motola
Originally appeared in Stuart Motola

Look at yourself, not at relationship problems

“The best person to talk to about the problems in your relationship is the person you’re in a relationship with.” – Unkown

No romantic relationship is without issues. Relationship problems are part of the package. And blaming others every time something goes wrong comes naturally to most of us. What is important is that you take a pause and take a good, hard look inside.

Even if your partner is partially at fault, self-analysis will enable you to understand how you have contributed to the problem. It will also enable you to realize what you are actually feeling and what emotional needs you need to address, by yourself and your partner. This will enable you to better deal with and fix any relationship problem.

When you understand that maybe you are the real problem in your relationship, you realize that you have the power to make it right and strengthen the bond you share with your partner.

It’s not always the reason of a toxic partner. Sometime’s you also need to ask yourself “what is wrong with me?”




Why You’re The Real Problem In Your Relationship, Not Your Partner
Why Real Problem In Relationship pin


Published On:

Last updated on:

Stuart Motola

Stuart Motola specializes in helping individuals and couples attract and maintain a fulfilling partnership. He helps individuals attract who they seek (i.e. date more effectively), kill the voice of desperation and aloneness, and know the difference between a love that makes you big versus a love that makes you small. He teaches couples how to repair after conflict, cut unconscious cycles of projection and blame, communicate more responsibly, and to take risks to reignite passion and aliveness. Stuart has shared his expertise as a coach, author, speaker, and facilitator throughout the world and wrote the #1 Amazon best-selling book “Fixing You Is Killing Me: A Conscious Roadmap To Knowing When To Save And When To Leave Your Relationship.”

Disclaimer: The informational content on The Minds Journal have been created and reviewed by qualified mental health professionals. They are intended solely for educational and self-awareness purposes and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are experiencing emotional distress or have concerns about your mental health, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional or healthcare provider.

Leave a Comment

Today's Horoscope

Latest Quizzes

Music Taste Quiz: Find Out Your Strongest Personality Trait

Music Taste Quiz: The Music You Like Can Reveal Your Strongest Personality Trait!

Whether you’re the life of the party with a pop playlist, or a deep thinker grooving to jazz, your choice in music can say a lot about who you are.

Latest Quotes

Weekly Horoscope 23 June To 29 June part one

Weekly Horoscope 23 June To 29 June

Weekly Horoscope 23 June To 29 June Aries (March 21 – April 19)Tangible progress on home & wellness goals. A heartfelt reset in family matters or living arrangements. An unexpected insight around 27th may reshape how you handle emotional security or finances. Taurus (April 20 – May 20)This is the week to act on long-held…

Readers Blog

Caption This Image and Selected Wisepicks – 22 June 2025

Ready to unleash your inner wordsmith? ✨??☺️ Now’s your chance to show off your wit, charm, or sheer genius in just one line! Whether it’s laugh-out-loud funny or surprisingly deep, we want to hear it. Submit your funniest, wittiest, or most thought-provoking caption in the comments. We’ll pick 15+ winners to be featured on our…

Latest Articles

Relationship problems are common and it’s easy to point fingers to blame your partner for anything that goes wrong in the relationship. Often, we can easily find out a million mistakes that our partners have made. But what if, YOU are the problem in your relationship? When you are the problem in the relationship, relationship issues get complicated.




What is extremely difficult is realizing that maybe you are at fault and you are the one who is toxic in the relationship.

“Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.” – Barbara Johnson



Relationship Problems: When You Are The Problem In Your Relationship

It was classic one finger pointing at my partner, three pointing back at me. It happened like this…Prefer to watch me present live? Check it out.

The Problem

Man, I was pissed off. For the second time in a week, she changed plans with me. She got out of her appointment. Then she decided she could not meet me, as planned. Damn, it was her idea in the first place.

She left me one of those voice text memos. “Listen, I’m headed home. I need some time alone. I hope you’ll come by later.” I wasn’t even a part of her decision. She overbooks herself, then needs time for herself. And who feels the impact? Me, of course.




Read: 7 Common Relationship Problems And Simple Ways To Fix Them

Speaking My Truth

And then I thought, I need to tell her my truth. This is not working for me. I don’t feel like a priority to you. She needs to know where I stand. I’ve been playing “flexible nice guy” and it’s not serving me. No more withholding. Damn! Relationships are such a pain in the ass. I start recording a voice memo back to her.

“Hey babe, that didn’t work for me. For you to just send me a voice memo and then go home. We had plans and besides… it doesn’t feel right for me to now drive to you… and also…”

Midway I stop. This feels pathetic and whiny. She said she needs some alone time. I don’t want to dump this on her now. I delete the voice memo. I take a breath. Damn, I’m jacked up.

Looking At Myself: The Epiphany

“Love cannot live where there is no trust.” – Edith Hamilton

I toss the phone on a table. Shit, I don’t know what to say to her. I pick up the phone. I text a response –“Got it. TTYL.”

I’m proud of not escalating, creating something out of nothing. But it’s not nothing. Then, what is it? I need some time. I can reply in an hour. Let her have her time. I need to figure out what’s going on inside of me.




I tap in. Feel my feelings. It’s clear to me. I’m angry. And I know that underneath anger is often sadness. I’m sad, disappointed that I did not get a chance to see her. I feel some more, then I think, Did I tell her to call me before she made her decision? I consider it further. Shit, I didn’t. I told her to either come by or text me. I wasn’t clear.

When You Are The Problem In The Relationship.

In fact, I realize, I told her to take care of herself and let me know what she decided. I was being my classic, flexible nice guy. A mask I’ve worn often in the past. A pleaser, a caretaker…until my angry jerk shows up.

Wow! Immediately, my jacked-upness deflates, like hot air gushing out of a balloon. I feel relieved, humbled, and even proud for pausing and seeing things. Old patterns die hard, but with work die nonetheless. I was pissed at myself for not advocating for what I wanted. And then I was ready to dump it on it here, in the guise of “speaking my truth.”

I laugh. What an awesome realization. A sacred f*#k up, I call it. A great mistake to teach me, not to wear the nice guy / Mr. cool “all good” mask. But instead, to speak up for what I want – respectfully. Good stuff. I smile.

Read: These 9 Enneagram Personality Types Can Predict Your Relationship Problems

The Debrief

So, what’s the takeaway here? How easy it is to project at our partner exactly what we are avoiding in ourselves. And what a superpower to be able to do otherwise. A few questions to ask yourself the next time you’re in conflict.

  • What am I really upset about?
  • Is it at myself for not acting a certain way?
  • How would I do the interaction differently next time?

The point is we can almost always do better. Ultimately, our greatest powers lie in how we show up, not in how we can change or control our partner. Sure, we can make requests. And also… love yourself when you screw up. The contrast is moping, beating yourself up, and then projecting it into your relationship.




when you are the problem in the relationship

Remember, each of us is fully responsible for the relationship, not one another and lastly, it’s not the conflict in a relationship that’s the problem, but one’s inability to deal with it skillfully.

Written by Stuart Motola
Originally appeared in Stuart Motola

Look at yourself, not at relationship problems

“The best person to talk to about the problems in your relationship is the person you’re in a relationship with.” – Unkown

No romantic relationship is without issues. Relationship problems are part of the package. And blaming others every time something goes wrong comes naturally to most of us. What is important is that you take a pause and take a good, hard look inside.

Even if your partner is partially at fault, self-analysis will enable you to understand how you have contributed to the problem. It will also enable you to realize what you are actually feeling and what emotional needs you need to address, by yourself and your partner. This will enable you to better deal with and fix any relationship problem.

When you understand that maybe you are the real problem in your relationship, you realize that you have the power to make it right and strengthen the bond you share with your partner.

It’s not always the reason of a toxic partner. Sometime’s you also need to ask yourself “what is wrong with me?”




Why You’re The Real Problem In Your Relationship, Not Your Partner
Why Real Problem In Relationship pin


Published On:

Last updated on:

Stuart Motola

Stuart Motola specializes in helping individuals and couples attract and maintain a fulfilling partnership. He helps individuals attract who they seek (i.e. date more effectively), kill the voice of desperation and aloneness, and know the difference between a love that makes you big versus a love that makes you small. He teaches couples how to repair after conflict, cut unconscious cycles of projection and blame, communicate more responsibly, and to take risks to reignite passion and aliveness. Stuart has shared his expertise as a coach, author, speaker, and facilitator throughout the world and wrote the #1 Amazon best-selling book “Fixing You Is Killing Me: A Conscious Roadmap To Knowing When To Save And When To Leave Your Relationship.”

Leave a Comment

    Leave a Comment