Why You’re The Real Problem In Your Relationship, Not Your Partner

Relationship problems are common and it’s easy to point fingers to blame your partner for anything that goes wrong in the relationship. Often, we can easily find out a million mistakes that our partners have made. This is especially true if you are a “nice guy”.

However, what is extremely difficult is realizing that maybe you are at fault and you are the one who is toxic in the relationship.

“Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.” – Barbara Johnson

Relationship Problems: When Your Partner’s Not The Problem, Maybe You Are

It was classic one finger pointing at my partner, three pointing back at me. It happened like this…

Prefer to watch me present live? Check out it out.

The Problem

Man, I was pissed off. For the second time in a week, she changed plans on me. She got out of her appointment. Then she decided she could not meet me, as planned. Damn, it was her idea in the first place.

She left me one of those voice text-memos. “Listen, I’m headed home. I need some time alone. I hope you’ll come by later.” I wasn’t even a part of her decision.

She overbooks herself, then needs time for herself. And who feels the impact? Me, of course.

Speaking My Truth

And then I thought, I need to tell her my truth. This is not working for me. I don’t feel like a priority to you.

She needs to know where I stand. I’ve been playing “flexible nice guy” and it’s not serving me. No more withholding.

Damn! Relationships are such a pain in the ass.

I start recording a voice memo back to her.

“Hey babe, that didn’t work for me. For you to just send me a voice memo and then go home. We had plans and besides… it doesn’t feel right for me to now drive to you… and also…”

Midway I stop. This feels pathetic and whiny. She said she needs some alone time. I don’t want to dump this on her now. I delete the voice memo.

I take a breath. Damn, I’m jacked up.

Looking At Myself: The Epiphany

“Love cannot live where there is no trust.” – Edith Hamilton

I toss the phone on a table. Shit, I don’t know what to say to her. I pick up the phone. I text a response –“Got it. TTYL.”

I’m proud of not escalating, creating something out of nothing. But it’s not nothing. Then, what is it?

I need some time. I can reply in an hour. Let her have her time. I need to figure out what’s going on inside of me.

I tap in. Feel my feelings. It’s clear to me. I’m angry. And I know that underneath anger is often sadness. I’m sad, disappointed that I did not get a chance to see her.

I feel some more, then I think, Did I tell her to call me before she made her decision? I consider it further. Shit, I didn’t. I told her to either come by or text me. I wasn’t clear.

Why You’re The Real Problem In Your Relationship, Not Your Partner

In fact, I realize, I told her to take care of herself and let me know what she decided. I was being my classic, flexible nice guy. A mask I’ve worn often in the past. A pleaser, a caretaker…until my angry jerk shows up.

Wow! Immediately, my jacked-upness deflates, like hot air gushing out of a balloon. I feel relieved, humbled, and even proud for pausing and seeing things. Old patterns die hard, but with work die nonetheless.

I was pissed at myself for not advocating for what I wanted. And then I was ready to dump it on it her, in the guise of “speaking my truth.”

I laugh. What an awesome realization. A sacred f*#k up, I call it. A great mistake to teach me, not to wear the nice guy / mr. cool “all good” mask. But instead, to speak up for what I want – respectfully. Good stuff. I smile.

The Debrief

So, what’s the takeaway here? How easy it is to project at our partner exactly what we are avoiding in ourselves. And what a superpower to be able to do otherwise.

A few questions to ask yourself the next time you’re in conflict.

What am I really upset about?
Is it at myself for not acting a certain way?
How would I do the interaction differently next time?
The point is we can almost always do better. Ultimately, our greatest powers lie in how we show up, not in how we can change or control our partner. Sure, we can make requests.

And also… love yourself when you screw up. The contrast is moping, beating yourself up, and then projecting it into your relationship.

Remember, each of us is fully responsible for the relationship, not one another.

And lastly, it’s not conflict in relationship that’s the problem, but one’s inability to deal with it skillfully.

Written by Stuart Motola
Originally appeared in Stuart Motola

Here’s an interesting video that you may find helpful:

Look at yourself, not at relationship problems

“The best person to talk to about the problems in your relationship is the person you’re in a relationship with.” – Unkown

No romantic relationship is without issues. Relationship problems are part of the package. And blaming others every time something goes wrong comes naturally to most of us. What is important is that you take a pause and take a good, hard look inside. Even if your partner is partially at fault, self-analysis will enable you to understand how you have contributed to the problem. It will also enable you to realize what you are actually feeling and what emotional needs you need to address, by yourself and your partner. This will enable you to better deal with and fix any relationship problem.

When you understand that maybe you are the real problem in your relationship, you realize that you have the power to make it right and strengthen the bond you share with your partner.