What if I told you that I used to be one of the most emotionally unavailable men out there?
What if I told you I was shut down?
What if I told you I did everything I could to avoid a fight and absolve myself of responsibility?
What if, when we struggled in a relationship, I’d blame you, and find faults with you, so as to not date you anymore, all so I could keep avoiding whatever the hell was going on on my side?
Would you still want to date me?
Some of you would, for sure.
And, some women out there are dating this guy, still.
And, some remain miserably married to guys like this, for years on end…
Why?
Because, unconsciously, some women are attracted to this type of guy (that’s another story).
And because some women are invested in their pattern of “helping” a struggling man.
It’s true…
Fortunately for me, and my wife, I’m no longer this guy.
And, every woman I dated prior to my wife tried pretty damn hard to help me, to crack the code of my heart, to open me, to get inside my head.
Yes, I was this guy for a long, long time (real pic of me in the video below). That was…. until I cracked.
But my “crack” wasn’t because of my girlfriend’s trying to help me.
My relationship failures had reached an all time high. It felt horrible.
I was done. I had to get this part of my life handled.
So, I did.
And, I learned psychology, started to meditate, met my wife, and became a relationship coach and expert, to help others have breakthroughs like I had.
And, here’s the thing, women who are trying to help “checked out” guys like me are everywhere. And, they’re going about it all wrong.
So, I’m going to ask those women (nudge, nudge, if that’s you!), to stop doing three things right now.
To review, the three mistakes are:
E: Expecting him to be who you want him to be. When you expect your man to live up to your unrealistic expectations, he will disappoint you every single time.
Learn when is it okay to have expectations of him and when it’s not.
I get it. You want him to reach his potential, that’s why you love him. But this is hurting your relationship.
H: Hoping he will change and hoping your relationship will get better. I see this one all the time. Hoping everything will get better. Hoping your man will wake up one day with a grand epiphany that he loves you and wants to learn and grow alongside with you to make your marriage better! Not so much.
Using hope to improve your relationship is like hoping you make more money in your life or hoping you get happier—just with hope! That will get you where you are—frustrated, fed up, and feeling like a victim.
H: Helping him when he’s not asking for it. Ever try to stop an alcoholic friend from drinking every day? It doesn’t work and if it does temporarily, they are quitting for you, not themselves. The only way for a person to get sober is on their own. You can’t do it for them.
Your man doesn’t want help. If he did, he’d ask for it. Treat him like a grown up and trust that if, and when, he needs help, he will ask.
It’s a small act of aggression on your part trying to help him when he never asked.
Okay, so coming from a man to a woman, please don’t do this anymore.
If the man is not the person I expect him to be it means that the idea I have of him which comes from the way he portrays himself and my own analysis is incorrect. If it is incorrect that is because….in each case that happened (and the man did admit to it when gently prodded) the man deceived me intentionally to think he was someone else so that I would want to be with him and then was just “hoping” that I would get comfortable and fall in love with the real him. NO WAY.
It’s never going to work that way EVER. I choose the people I want to be with based on traits that are very important to me to have in a partner. If any of those traits aren’t there even if I was in love I would still leave the person. If ever I have an expectation that the man be the person I want him to be it is because he tried to lead me to believe that was who he was.
This is a common experience for women and it is very common for men to lie in order to get a woman to be with them and to then be upset the woman wants them to be the person they pretended to be. What the woman usually wants is for the man to not have “changed” into the person he actually was, because she thought he was someone else in the first place. This is understandable; however once a woman realizes well enough that the man is not who she thought he was and never was it is her responsibility to become self-empowered and to realize that she has no obligation whatsoever to stay in that relationship–or any relationship for that matter.
If the man is not who the woman wants him to be she has a personal choice available to her to leave, and she should leave for the good of herself; and also for the man.
I get the “hoping” part. In these days when people are learning more and more about manifestation it is important to realize that people have free will and you can not manifest someone else transforming themselves to become better. You can encourage, you can suggest, and maybe manipulate someone into making decisions in that direction, (not advocating manipulation but it’s the truth-might as well admit to that aspect of reality), but you can not force someone to change their personality or develop themselves that is up to them. They can be influenced and that is real; but it is never a guarantee. Hoping won’t necessarily change your partner…. but leaving him or her and then accepting that you will find whoever is right for you at this time whether it be someone or no one and letting it go will lead you to find someone else, who perhaps will be better off with you then the person you want to change and you with them.
… no… think I just drive mine bonkas… LOL
So, what’s the point for the woman? Why is she still there? I get that you love someone, but all that give, give, give and don’t ask for anything in return, oh no, don’t do that…You might hurt him or ruin this great relationship. WOW, just WOW!