“What’s helped with saying no to others is asking myself first if I’m saying yes out of guilt or fear. If so, then it’s a polite no.” ― Neil Strauss,
One topic that’s a constant with my clients is difficulty around saying No. “No,” to some, tends to feel rejecting, rude, lazy, and can be thought of as selfish. These are some of the false validations that keep us from saying No. When we’re always saying “yes” out of guilt and pressure to do so we will become people pleasers. As we chronically and blindly say “Yes” to most everything, our people-pleasing ways increase and we start to lose a sense of self.
To make it clear & simple; Saying No is actually a big, fat, amazing boundary…… and, wait for it, boundaries are good!
“No” is not a negative; It’s necessary.
Saying No is one of the most important skills that you can learn for it’s the phrase that’s going to allow you to truly prioritize what’s important to you. If you say “Yes” to everything, what’s significant to you will get only scraps of your time. This is where problems arise, my friends.
Just to clarify, I’m all for saying “Yes” to those things that are going to help you learn, grow and encourage you to expand. I’m. All. For. It. There’s absolutely a time to say “I’m going for it” and take the leap.
However, it’s essential to protect the energy and time that you only have so much of in a day. In order to be mindful of the limited daily supply of your energy, you have to prioritize what’s significant to you. This will require you to say “No” to some people and experiences.
If saying No is a struggle for you, let’s get into some clear tips to help you say “No” with more confidence and peace in your heart.
Related: How Healthy Boundaries Help Protect Your Personal Space
Why Saying No Is Key To Your Happiness
Accept That Some People Are Going To Dislike Your “No”
I don’t think any of us will escape experiencing people who want us to do what they want us to do. When we say “No” within these relationships, it will present us with a challenge. Maybe this “challenge” presents as passive-aggressive comments or feedback that baits us to feel guilty for honoring ourselves.
If we’ve been navigating these specific relationships by appeasing them with our people-pleasing behaviors by chronically saying “Yes,” then there will be kickback. We’ll have to face this kickback by working through it as we begin to say “Yes” to our needs and “No” to what these relationships want from us.
People who are used to us saying “yes” all the time will be taken back when we introduce boundaries into the relationship. Some relationships will reconfigure and find a happy medium, while others might dissipate as the relationship could only BE if we deny our needs. This truth can be really hard to swallow. Make sure you have the support you need, especially if the relationship in question is a pivotal relationship that has a lot of strings attached.
The good news is that if you hold your boundary, your relationships will be better for it. This, in turn, can greatly improve your life as it weeds out people who really aren’t there for your best interest and allows you to carry on honoring your badass self. Cheers to that.
Accept That You’re Going To Miss Out On Some Things And (Hopefully) Enjoy The Unplanned
When you say “No” to one thing, you’re consequently saying “Yes” to something else that you might not be able to foresee. For example, have you ever been really bummed out that you couldn’t make the trip or go to the “thing” and then when the day rolled around another really amazing opportunity popped into your life?
Realize that life is full of unexpected goodies if you allow the space and time for the unknown. When you say “No,” you’re allowing more time and space for organic opportunities and “life itself “to play out without your interception. This is when things can get really interesting.
Related: Personal Boundaries: 9 Core Boundaries To Live By
Practice The Art Of Discernment
The tricky part of saying No is when experiences present that you really want to say “Yes” too. Sometimes, because of honoring your values and what’s significant to you, you have to say “No” in order to keep your moral code in line. This can be really challenging.
There will be times, maybe few and far between, where your decision to say “Yes” or “No” will have a severe impact. Some opportunities will challenge your character by presenting the temptation that if we don’t say “No” too will create a lot of pain and havoc for us. (And usually others.)
Maybe this means saying No to the attractive co-worker because you’re committed to someone else. Maybe this means saying No to the amazing trip to Mexico because it falls over your Mom’s birthday, and it’s important for you to honor her.
Decision-making can become really complicated if you let it and aren’t straight with your morals and values. However, if you take the time to center, get quiet and truly evaluate what’s important to you in this life, the struggle will not be so intense when it’s decision time.
This will be so if you’ve spent the time to find clarity on what’s true for you. Using discernment to honor what virtues you want to hold close and dear will help you greatly in these tricky situations that life will throw at you on a small or large scale.
Well, that’s all I have for now. I wanted to keep this short and sweet. If you take anything away from this post, a significant piece is that saying No represents you honoring and respecting yourself. There’s an art to what you say “Yes” too and what you say “No” too.
Only you have the inner knowing of what’s the “right” answer given the situation. When in doubt, hone the concept of balance and trust yourself.
Keep close to your heart what’s important for you and that will help you navigate the decisions that are constantly coming your way. Cheers.
Want to know more about the importance of saying no? Check this video out below!
Written By Kim Egel Originally Appeared On Kim Egel
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