We all yearn for love. It is the most basic human longing but we are looking for love in all the wrong places.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
This profound quote by Rumi contains very deep wisdom if we contemplate on it and try to grab its essence.
What it really means is that we cannot seek for love outside, what we need to work on is to remove all the limiting beliefs and barriers that we carry within ourselves that block us from being receptive to love.
But we do just the opposite. We have this idea planted in our head from movies and books that there is one person out there that will fulfill us completely.
We have an image in our head of this person and whenever we meet someone who catches our fancy, we try to project this image on them. Now what we are falling in love with is – is an image and no person on this planet can really match up to this ideal, they can come close, sure, but they can’t be identical to our image.
Now we believe that if we love them enough they will change and match our image but that’s not what true love is.
True Love is when you like someone for what they are and accept them as they are in the moment in totality while also encouraging and supporting them to grow and evolve into their best possible versions.
Love is a great impetus for people to become their best versions. When we love someone unconditionally and extend ourselves for their well being, it will encourage them to reach their highest potential.
Unconditional love is rooted in wholeness.
This is soul love. This is love that is healthy and that is rooted in wholeness. It is when two mature individuals come together who are capable of being whole on their own and do not seek another to make them feel better about themselves.
When you love someone because you want to overcome your loneliness or you want to improve your sense of self, it is a lost cause because it will not last long.
You will only feel loving towards them as long as they behave in ways that suit your ego needs and will feel resentment and bitterness towards them if they don’t act as per your ego needs.
The right way to go about is to work on being your best version and loving yourself and then extending the love and support to your partner because you love and care for them and not because they make you feel better.
So, don’t focus on what needs to be changed in your partner. Accept them for who they are and fall in love with that. You will realize that as days go by, you would learn to understand each other’s needs and love languages and change will happen automatically.
The change that happens like this – organically is good and sustainable because the person is doing it out of his own accord. But if you force him into being something that he is not or doing something that he doesn’t like to do, it will create resentment.
But when you love them unconditionally and without any agenda, they will blossom into their best versions and would want to do things for you from their heart.
Unconditional love is interdependent and not codependent.
Unconditional love also doesn’t mean being a doormat or sacrificing all your needs for your partner. It is a very delicate dance where you need to balance between your needs and your partner’s needs, your well being and your partner’s well being.
You have to learn to respect each other’s boundaries and give each other space to pursue their dreams, goals, and passions.
You have to learn to be able to take care of yourself and self-soothe in case your partner is not available sometimes. It is not humanly possible and it is a very flawed expectation to hope that someone will be there to take care of you 24 *7.