The Subconscious Tendency That Erodes Intimacy In Every Relationship

One of the major causes of relationship problems—perhaps the biggest—is judgment. By that, I mean self-judgment as well as the judgment of others. Self-judgment is a common form of self-abandonment. When we judge ourselves, we generally judge others, and vice versa.




The programmed part of us, our ego-wounded self, often believes that self-judgment and judgment of others motivate change. But if you actually examine the results of judgment, you will see that the opposite is true. When you judge yourself, you’ll likely discover that it actually makes you feel anxious, depressed, guilty, or shamed. You won’t perform nearly as well as when you feel happy and peaceful and have a deep sense of self-worth.

So, what happens between you and a partner, child, friend, or co-worker when you judge yourself or judge them?

When we judge others, we often then project onto them that they are judging us, and when we judge ourselves, we feel insecure around others. The truth is that nothing good ever comes from self-judgment or judgment of others. It makes us feel bad and creates unloving relationships.



Even judgmental thoughts have a negative effect because they affect your frequency. It’s your frequency (which I like to think of as the place from which you react to yourself and others) that determines whether or not you can lovingly connect with others. When you are judgmental toward yourself or others, your frequency is low. You are operating from the ego and your heart is closed; you can’t connect with yourself or others when your heart is closed.

How do you stop letting your ego run the show?

If you want loving and connected relationships, then you need to start by noticing your thoughts. You can’t stop judging unless you are aware that you’re doing it. It’s not uncommon for judgmental thoughts of yourself and others to be automatic—not even conscious.

Years ago, I realized that much of my anxiety was coming from self-judgments and judgments of others. I started to practice noticing this without judging myself. It took a while, but I finally stopped judging myself and others, and that has been life-changing for me.




As you become conscious of your judgments, you then have the choice to shift your thinking to acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness. Whenever you are accepting of yourself and others, and you have compassion for yourself and others, and you forgive yourself and others for making mistakes and being human, your frequency is high and your heart is open. In these times, you’ll find it easy to lovingly connect with yourself and with others.

The actions that result from being judgmental and the actions that result from being accepting, compassionate, and forgiving are completely different. Actions come from thoughts, so judgmental thoughts lead to controlling and rejecting behavior, while acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness lead to loving behavior.

It’s not just about connecting with others. It’s about truly loving and accepting yourself.

The other enormous benefit of raising your frequency by moving out of judgment and into acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness is that you will naturally start to experience the love and guidance that is always with you. We are always being lovingly guided toward our highest good and the manifestation of our dreams by our spiritual guidance—but our guidance can’t reach us when our heart is closed, and judgment always closes the heart. Life changes dramatically when you know that you are never alone and that you are always being guided toward peace, joy, and the manifestation of your dreams.

I hope you can see that this one major change in your thinking has a huge impact on your life and in all your relationships. I encourage you to consider starting to notice what judgment creates in your life and your relationships and to begin consciously shifting to acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness.


Written by Margaret Paul, PhD
For information or to schedule a phone or Skype session: 310-459-1700 • 888-646-6372 (888-6INNERBOND) http://www.innerbonding.com

You may also like

Intimacy Is Not Just Physical, It Is The Deep Bond Of Knowing




Emotional Safety is Necessary for Emotional Connection

The Dance Between Intimacy and Independence in Marriage

6 Steps To Becoming An Emotionally Available Lover

13 Things Emotionally Mature Men Do

Emotionally Intelligent Husbands Are Key To A Lasting Marriage

2 Hidden Ways We Sabotage Intimacy In The Relationship We Want

7 Ways To Make Love To Your Partner Without Having sex




The Subconscious Tendency That Erodes Intimacy In Every Relationship


Published On:

Last updated on:

Dr. Margaret Paul

CO-CREATOR OF INNER BONDING Dr. Paul is the author/co-author of several best-selling books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You, Inner Bonding, Healing Your Aloneness, The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook, Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids, and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into eleven languages. Dr. Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, chaplain, consultant, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars since 1967. Margaret continues to work with individuals and couples throughout the world on the phone and on Skype. She is able to access her own and her client’s spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Her current passion is working on and developing content for this Website, as well as distributing SelfQuest, the software program that teaches Inner Bonding and is donated to prisons and schools, as well as sold to the general public. Margaret Paul, PhD information Anxious, Depressed, Addicted, Empty, Relationship struggles, Inner Bonding – The Power To Heal Yourself! http://www.innerbonding.com

Disclaimer: The informational content on The Minds Journal have been created and reviewed by qualified mental health professionals. They are intended solely for educational and self-awareness purposes and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are experiencing emotional distress or have concerns about your mental health, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional or healthcare provider.

Leave a Comment

Today's Horoscope

Accurate Daily Horoscope for 12 Zodiac Signs

Daily Horoscope 25 June 2025: Prediction For Each Zodiac Sign

🌟 Ready to unlock the secrets of 25 June, 2025? Discover your personalized horoscope and see what the stars have in store for you today! ✨🔮

Latest Quizzes

Music Taste Quiz: Find Out Your Strongest Personality Trait

Music Taste Quiz: The Music You Like Can Reveal Your Strongest Personality Trait!

Whether you’re the life of the party with a pop playlist, or a deep thinker grooving to jazz, your choice in music can say a lot about who you are.

Latest Quotes

Weekly Horoscope 23 June To 29 June part one

Weekly Horoscope 23 June To 29 June

Weekly Horoscope 23 June To 29 June Aries (March 21 – April 19)Tangible progress on home & wellness goals. A heartfelt reset in family matters or living arrangements. An unexpected insight around 27th may reshape how you handle emotional security or finances. Taurus (April 20 – May 20)This is the week to act on long-held…

Readers Blog

My Empathy Felt Like A Curse - Until I Chose Myself

My Empathy Felt Like A Curse – Until I Chose Myself

I haven’t really known what “easy” feels like.Most of the people I’ve loved, and most of the situations I’ve been in — have always been complicated.Friendships, relationships — all of them felt like a maze, and I kept walking in circles trying to understand them, fix them, stay in them. I know I made mistakes.I…

Latest Articles

One of the major causes of relationship problems—perhaps the biggest—is judgment. By that, I mean self-judgment as well as the judgment of others. Self-judgment is a common form of self-abandonment. When we judge ourselves, we generally judge others, and vice versa.




The programmed part of us, our ego-wounded self, often believes that self-judgment and judgment of others motivate change. But if you actually examine the results of judgment, you will see that the opposite is true. When you judge yourself, you’ll likely discover that it actually makes you feel anxious, depressed, guilty, or shamed. You won’t perform nearly as well as when you feel happy and peaceful and have a deep sense of self-worth.

So, what happens between you and a partner, child, friend, or co-worker when you judge yourself or judge them?

When we judge others, we often then project onto them that they are judging us, and when we judge ourselves, we feel insecure around others. The truth is that nothing good ever comes from self-judgment or judgment of others. It makes us feel bad and creates unloving relationships.



Even judgmental thoughts have a negative effect because they affect your frequency. It’s your frequency (which I like to think of as the place from which you react to yourself and others) that determines whether or not you can lovingly connect with others. When you are judgmental toward yourself or others, your frequency is low. You are operating from the ego and your heart is closed; you can’t connect with yourself or others when your heart is closed.

How do you stop letting your ego run the show?

If you want loving and connected relationships, then you need to start by noticing your thoughts. You can’t stop judging unless you are aware that you’re doing it. It’s not uncommon for judgmental thoughts of yourself and others to be automatic—not even conscious.

Years ago, I realized that much of my anxiety was coming from self-judgments and judgments of others. I started to practice noticing this without judging myself. It took a while, but I finally stopped judging myself and others, and that has been life-changing for me.




As you become conscious of your judgments, you then have the choice to shift your thinking to acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness. Whenever you are accepting of yourself and others, and you have compassion for yourself and others, and you forgive yourself and others for making mistakes and being human, your frequency is high and your heart is open. In these times, you’ll find it easy to lovingly connect with yourself and with others.

The actions that result from being judgmental and the actions that result from being accepting, compassionate, and forgiving are completely different. Actions come from thoughts, so judgmental thoughts lead to controlling and rejecting behavior, while acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness lead to loving behavior.

It’s not just about connecting with others. It’s about truly loving and accepting yourself.

The other enormous benefit of raising your frequency by moving out of judgment and into acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness is that you will naturally start to experience the love and guidance that is always with you. We are always being lovingly guided toward our highest good and the manifestation of our dreams by our spiritual guidance—but our guidance can’t reach us when our heart is closed, and judgment always closes the heart. Life changes dramatically when you know that you are never alone and that you are always being guided toward peace, joy, and the manifestation of your dreams.

I hope you can see that this one major change in your thinking has a huge impact on your life and in all your relationships. I encourage you to consider starting to notice what judgment creates in your life and your relationships and to begin consciously shifting to acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness.


Written by Margaret Paul, PhD
For information or to schedule a phone or Skype session: 310-459-1700 • 888-646-6372 (888-6INNERBOND) http://www.innerbonding.com

You may also like

Intimacy Is Not Just Physical, It Is The Deep Bond Of Knowing




Emotional Safety is Necessary for Emotional Connection

The Dance Between Intimacy and Independence in Marriage

6 Steps To Becoming An Emotionally Available Lover

13 Things Emotionally Mature Men Do

Emotionally Intelligent Husbands Are Key To A Lasting Marriage

2 Hidden Ways We Sabotage Intimacy In The Relationship We Want

7 Ways To Make Love To Your Partner Without Having sex




The Subconscious Tendency That Erodes Intimacy In Every Relationship


Published On:

Last updated on:

Dr. Margaret Paul

CO-CREATOR OF INNER BONDING Dr. Paul is the author/co-author of several best-selling books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You, Inner Bonding, Healing Your Aloneness, The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook, Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids, and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into eleven languages. Dr. Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, chaplain, consultant, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars since 1967. Margaret continues to work with individuals and couples throughout the world on the phone and on Skype. She is able to access her own and her client’s spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Her current passion is working on and developing content for this Website, as well as distributing SelfQuest, the software program that teaches Inner Bonding and is donated to prisons and schools, as well as sold to the general public. Margaret Paul, PhD information Anxious, Depressed, Addicted, Empty, Relationship struggles, Inner Bonding – The Power To Heal Yourself! http://www.innerbonding.com

Leave a Comment

    Leave a Comment