The 7 Steps To Separation

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Step 7: Detachment

With the inability to resolve conflict and a negative “Story of Us,” couples hit the lowest of lows: despair. They give up hope and begin to live in quiet separation.

Some people do this by legally divorcing, and others by emotionally breaking-up and living parallel lives in the same house. When couples reach this dark place of hopelessness, talking about problems seems useless and both partners accept the loneliness that comes.

This is when some partners violate the boundaries of the relationship because they are starving for emotional connection and feel hopeless about reconnecting with their life partner.

 

The Snowball Effect

The decay of a relationship tends not to be a one-time blow-up; rather, it is like a snowball rolling down a hill. The red flags begin with how partners talk to each other, then the inability to repair leads to repeated instances of flooding and finally a negative perspective of the marriage.




Dr. Gottman’s research has proven that with a habitual use of criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling it takes about 6 years for a marriage to end.

There are also couples who are not nasty and have very little negativity. These conflict avoiders can have healthy marriages if they have a lot of positive interactions, but if there is very little responsiveness or affection, that type of relationship will die within 16.2 years.

These are years of interactions gone wrong, not days.

What To Do Now

If you recognize your relationship in any of these stages, you are not alone. A lot of couples struggle between steps 1-4.

My intended purpose for sharing how love dies is to give you some insight into the cascade that ends relationships, so you can take that knowledge and save your love life. It will take hard work and personal growth to save and repair your bond.

Dr. Gottman reminds us that,“Even a marriage that is about to hit bottom can be revived with the right intervention.”

The biggest barrier I see to savings marriages is partners’ willingness to risk the vulnerability to reconnect. To properly forgive, repair, and strengthen a bond that has been weakened by a lack of knowledge and experience on how to replenish love, affection, and care.

When both partners are committed to learning how to fight and love better, they can save their relationship.

 

If you want to transform conflict into material to build a stronger and more connected relationship then read Kyle Benson’s conflict blueprints here





Written by Kyle Benson
Originally appeared in Kyle Benson

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I've had the privilege of working with men and women on a wide range of relationship issues. I've helped individuals:Leave toxic relationships to find a healthy relationship that makes them feel calm, grateful for the person in their life, and deeply valued by their partner Close the emotional distance between partners so they feel deeply connected to each otherResolve relationship conflict, leading the couple to become closer and more loving than they ever thought imaginable Remove sexual anxiety to create intensely passionate and longer-lasting sexUse problems in the relationship as catalysts to help individuals grow into their highest potential (and become more awesome lovers)Our coaching sessions are tailored towards reaching solutions that improve your relationship quickly. Read more about my coaching programmes here, Relationship Coaching or Email me at [email protected]