The silent killer of relationships…. Just after my wife and I got married, we attended a seminar on aiding the rehabilitation of human trafficking victims, particularly those trafficked for sex. (I won’t get into all that…that’s another story for another day.) In one of the presenter’s talks, he asked the audience what the biggest cause of divorce was. Since I had just been through premarital counseling, I pretty much felt like an expert at marriage. I shot my hand up quickly to answer the question, and blurted out, “sex, money, and communication!” …then looked at my wife next to me and grinned. Too easy.
“Wrong,” the presenter barked back. “Those are symptoms of the real problem.” Ouch. Embarrassed much?
Not only was I given a sharp lesson in humility, but what followed changed my life. I was about to be told the best piece of marriage advice that this young, prideful, newly married man-boy could’ve ever asked for.
He continued… “The reason marriages end in divorce is because of one thing…unmet expectations.” That’s the silent killer of relationships!!!
*mind blown* My newly married man-boy brain couldn’t handle the revelation. I don’t remember much of what was said after that. I was too busy thinking of all the unmet expectations I was already experiencing after being married a month.
Related: Relationship Killers: Anger and Resentment
Since that seminar six years ago, I have seen the pain and frustration that plays out from having unmet expectations, not just in marriage, but in all relationships. It’s a deadly venom that flows to the heart and wreaks havoc in relationships.
But having unmet expectations isn’t just a marriage problem. It’s a life problem.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re single, married, working, unemployed, old, young or [insert demographic here]. Having unmet expectations is lethal to everyone. No one is immune. So…what’s the solution?
I’m a math guy. I ‘heart’ equations. I love crunching numbers and thoroughly enjoyed algebra and calculus in high school (although I probably couldn’t do a calculus problem to save my life now). So I came across an equation.
Expectation – Observation = Frustration
Here’s what that means. Below are two hypothetical situations played out…
Expectation
When I come home from a long day at work, I EXPECT my wife to have dinner prepared and ready for us to sit down and eat as a family. She’ll be wearing an apron with no food stains on it (because she’s perfect like that) and her hair will be perfectly done up. Meanwhile, my 16-month old daughter will sit in her high chair and eat with utensils…never missing her mouth, which makes cleanup a breeze. After we all finish eating at exactly the same time, we’ll head out into the Colorado sun and go for a nice family stroll, while the butler (you read that right…BUTLER son) cleans up the kitchen and prepares our home for evening activities.
Related: The Under The Radar Relationship Killer
Observation
I come home from work thirty minutes late, and dinner hasn’t even been thought of…much less started. Because of this, my toddler is screaming her head off, signing “MORE! PLEASE! EAT!” When I search for my wife, I find her working on a design project trying to meet a deadline that’s technically already past due. When I ask what’s for dinner, she glares at me the way only an overworked, overtired work-from-home-momma can glare (it can scald your pupils…so the legend goes). After picking up my toddler, I make my way into the kitchen to find an abundance of NO GROCERIES. So, being the manly chef that I am, I set my eyes on cheese and bread. “Grilled cheese!” I exclaim. I put my daughter in her high chair as an influx of rage bursts from within her. I quickly grab the apple sauce pouch to appease her. It works…for now. I get to work on my grilled cheese sandwiches. Everyone eats. The kitchen is left a mess. Toys are scattered throughout the living room just waiting to break someone’s ankle. My wife and I collapse on the couch, avoiding eye contact and avoiding volunteering to clean the kitchen. I could keep going but…you get the picture.
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Good one Derek.
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So very true
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Unmet expectations could damage any relationship true…but the reason of separation is because one or both parties just give up on love. Read my story on How to Avoid Heartbreak. Just click the logo and check my webpage. I promise, along with this article here, you will have a better combo to avoid killing any relationship. 🙂
Why must making of sandwiches be described as a kitchen failure, mess? Beats me.
Cos she won’t make me a sandwich?
expect nothing, you will never be disappointed
She doesn’t know how to communicate properly with the real and true love of her life. Communication is key.
I do, we do and did. Attunement is always necessary and it only comes back if you allow it.
If I allow it? I have been attempting contact for years
They blocked the account we communicated on.
They?
Yes, it’s blocked, I can’t use it anymore.
Please don’t listen to Kim. It’s only his pattern.
Wait…what?
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Why don’t people find out themselves if someone can meet their expectations or not?
One cannot meet an expectation that one does not know about. So once again communication is a key requirement.
What is described in the post will not happen.