How You Perceive Others Reveals Who You Are

Responses

1. 

   Paige Holt

   December 21, 2016

   I’d like to offer another perspective on this matter.

   This article has a very dangerous undertone.

   It sends a message that can be interpreted by readers that it is not productive/not a priority to analyze another person’s actions when they do something that sets off alarms, concerns you, or results in negative feelings on your part. Or an even worse message: You can’t hold other people accountable when they upset you or cause you to feel unpleasant emotions.

   I can see the importance of the other message this article sends:
   Your life will improve with self-focus and putting in effort to improve areas of your life that are within your control.

   That’s a message I can get behind.

   However, there is such a thing as grey area. It is also possible to do both: Analyze the other person’s behavior AND self-focus. It does NOT have to be one or the other.

   In fact, analyzing other people is extremely important and beneficial. It can give you more information on things that trigger you. You can recognize patterns of behavior. If something doesn’t *feel* right that means it’s not right *for you*. It can also mean that there are still concerns that need to be addressed.

   “This means the way we perceive others has nothing to do with them, it has everything to do with us.”

   Those are absolute statements. There are cases that our perception *does* have something to do with the other person. I mentioned patterns of behavior earlier, and I also mentioned feelings.

   Feelings cannot be controlled. They are like reflexes. Feelings are what happen when you have an internal reaction to a stimulus. Behavior is what you have control over. Any actions you take are choices.

   This concept is important and crucial, for many reasons:
   -self improvement
   -improving relationships and friendships
   -identifying abuse
   -identifying unhealthy behavior
   -identifying hazardous behavior
   -recognizing the pros and cons of maintaining ties with others
   -recognizing safety hazards
   -recognizing your vulnerabilities
   -recognizing triggers for yourself and others
   -determining things that are compatible with who you are and what your needs/desires/goals are
   -holding yourself accountable for your actions
   -holding other people accountable for their actions

   I could probably go on, but let’s continue with the article.

   “Negative reactions have only two meanings. One of the meaning is we want others to behave in a particular manner or we are attached to certain ideas or beliefs about how things should be… The other truth relates to our ego which stops us from pointing our own faults, so we continuously attempt to find those in others.”

   Another absolute statement, and an example of problematic polarized thinking.

   So, Meaning One can be interpreted and applied in different ways that this article doesn’t explore. Yes, we do have belief systems that influence what we feel entitled to, and what we expect from ourselves and others. If you have a negative reaction to something another person does, that means that you feel that your rights/freedoms/opportunities/boundaries are being violated. It does not mean that it’s a problem to have expectations for how others are allowed to treat you!

   It’s okay to set boundaries, and it’s okay not to accept certain forms of treatment that you don’t like/don’t deserve!

   There are, in fact, certain types of treatment that *nobody* deserves. This is an absolute statement that is also a fact. For example, nobody deserves to be abused in familial relationships, in intimate relationships, in friendships, or at work/school. There are also things that strangers do not deserve, such as assault, robbery, rape, verbal abuse, racial/sexist/agist slurs, etc. It is true that belief systems can differ. However, there are certain behaviors that are *never* acceptable, excusable, or justifiable.

   On to Meaning Two: we find faults in others in an attempt to avoid identifying our own faults.

   This concerns me, because it implies that the solution to being upset/concerned by another person’s behavior is to find errors within yourself. This plan of action is missing a step. You *do* need to analyze/process/reach a conclusion about the other person’s behavior and the affect it has on you *before* planning self-improvement.

   So instead of this model:
   Step 1. Negative feeling identified
   Step 2. Find errors in self
   Step 3. Improve self

   I’d suggest an action plan like this:
   Step 1. Negative feeling identified
   Step 2. Assess behaviors and effects on your well-being and safety
   Step 3. Identify concerns
   Step 4. Address concerns
   Step 5. Safety is established
   Step 6. Self-focus
   Step 7. Goal-setting
   Step 8. Planning for how to reach goals
   Step 9. Putting in effort to improve self and/or relationship with other person

   I’d like the author to also consider the ways this article may impact readers that have issues with things like self-loathing, self-criticism, self-doubt, internalizing abuse and traumas, taking accountability for the behaviors/actions chosen by someone else, victims that blame themselves for being in situations that led to harm against them, etc.

   “The point is to be aware of these feelings without judging ourselves as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ because those emotions have invaded our mind.”

   This was a great quote! Kudos! Feelings do not make a person good or bad. Behaviors are what matters, because behaviors have effects on everyone (in good/bad/neutral ways).

   “It’s not easy to always consider our self as the ‘problem’ when we want to point fingers at others so much. But, the truth is, it is the most empowering thing.”

   This is false. Please see my response regarding Meaning Two. There are certainly times when you are NOT the problem, and making yourself the problem CAN be unempowering in certain situations.

   “Creating a loving relationship with ourselves, changes our perspective to all the external things. We start seeing the same positive traits which we have now been able to cultivate in our self.”

   Another important thing for readers to remember: loving yourself will not *make* other people make healther behavior choices. You cannot control anyone else’s behavior. You can only control your own behavior. Self-care, self-love, and goal-setting are great ways to cope with difficult feelings/events, improve yourself, and also cause forward motion in your life! However, as far as other people are concerned, sometimes they can deter you, discourage you, and prevent you from enjoying your *right* to self-care. And that is where boundary setting or cutting ties with others come into play.

   “We are truly able to heal our relationships with others and consequently change them for better when we change and our internal relationship…”

   This is one of the worst statements made in this article. You cannot heal a relationship by healing yourself. That is only HALF of the work. Healthy relationships are a TWO PERSON job. Both partners need to identify their own problematic behavior, both need to admit their problematic behavior, both have to set mutual goals, and both have to put in efforts to reach the goals. ONE person cannot fix a TWO PERSON effort.

   The last feedback I’ll give is that this wrap up felt like a very uncomfortable attempt at the author trying to make this a self-love article. However, I don’t see much encouragement for self-care. Instead I’m seeing pressure for self-focus, too much on the critical side of the spectrum.

   This sends quite a disturbing message to readers in certain situations, and normalizes self-criticism. There are better ways to go about this. I’m sorry to say, but this article may be doing more harm than good.

   I’m disappointed.

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