Are you having really bad dating luck? Wondering how you can attract your dream girl? There’s no doubt that your dream girl is out there waiting to be found, but to find her you will need to first work on yourself and get rid of your emotional baggage and roadblocks. Here’s what you need to overcome to find your dream woman.
I set out to make 2014 the year that I worked through the deepest roots of my emotional turmoil.
Due to a combination of childhood bullying and depression, and a rather emotionally devastating break up in my early twenties, I feared letting people get close to me in intimate relationships for the past six years.
When my fear started to impact my love life and my career, I knew that I had to start digging into my emotional patterns and fix the issue at the root.
It has been a phenomenal year of growth for me and I couldn’t be more grateful for all of the progress that I have recently made.
Today I’m going to pull back the curtain on these lessons and tell you all about the growth that I have experienced. And believe me, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through… but I’m so glad that I leaned into it as intentionally as I did.
Here are the five biggest things that I had to overcome in order to find my dream woman.
1. Fear of being seen
“This feeling will pass. The fear is real but the danger is not.” – Cammie McGovern
In my six years of being emotionally closed, I learned to construct a highly convincing mask that most people couldn’t see through. I became funny, charming, charismatic, and was always ‘on’ when I was around people.
I avoided people who had the intuitive power to really see me and the suffering that I was experiencing internally. For me, allowing others to see me as a struggling, the vulnerable person was a huge challenge.
One of the greatest things that I did to overcome this roadblock was to start posting articles with more of myself in them (more of my stories and experiences as opposed to simply ‘tips and tricks’ articles) and spending more time with close friends who saw and expected me to be my authentic self around them. To draw an analogy, if I was an iceberg that had previously only shown 3% of its mass above the waterline, I moved the waterline down so that closer to 20% of me was showing above the water. I don’t believe that 100% of the iceberg ever has to be shown above the waterline because, as researcher Brene Brown has shown, not everyone that you cross paths within your life will be deserving of knowing your fully authentic self. Only certain people deserve to know the real you while others can see and understand a more surface version.
2. Inability to receive love
It is much easier (in my opinion) to give love than it is to receive it. This is because there is more certainty in giving than there is in receiving.
Receiving love brings up all of our issues surrounding worthiness, vulnerability, guilt, and shame that may have been layered on to us in our early childhood or through past traumatic relationship experiences.
It’s much easier (and less anxiety-producing) to give love than to receive it because when we start to allow ourselves to receive the love we may start to fear that the love we are receiving could be pulled away from us at any time. Which would then feel like a rejection? Which could then trigger our feelings of “See… I knew I wasn’t worthy enough of love, to begin with. Why did I even bother trying?”
To overcome my inability to receive the love I did weekly sessions with a self-love coach. While you think that I might have been able to work through this on my own (being a relationship coach myself) I am a person just like you and, just like you, I can’t see my own blind spots. This was a necessary step in my emotional process. Having someone externally be able to point out the flawed logic in my emotional thinking was absolutely critical towards my growth. If you think that you might be spinning your wheels in the mud as well, I can’t recommend reaching out enough.
I’m always here to chat if you need an outsider’s perspective.
3. Fear of rejection
“Rejection is merely a redirection; a course correction to your destiny.” – Bryant McGill
I dated women that were safe for the vast majority of the six years I was emotionally closed. What does that mean exactly? It means that I dated women that rarely challenged me or stood up to me. They didn’t have solid personal boundaries.
I dated women that were safe because it meant that I would be able to stay closed off and keep my romantic partners at an emotional arms distance.
In order to find my dream woman, I had to let go of this habit that I knew wasn’t serving me.