I did not stop loving you but now I have stopped waiting for you. I had to because you never treated me the way I deserved to be treated.
‘I’m busy,’ you said the day I wanted to meet you. We live in the same city and we haven’t met for one week. I see my Facebook news feed filled with pictures of you and your friends partying. My question is, where am I? No matter how you ignored, I kept on telling you, how much I love you.
No matter how much you tried to avoid me, I kept on telling you how much I miss you, how much I wish to be with you. And then it all stopped.
I stopped running after you. Running after you was like running after the cloud…you never know where it goes and then it vanishes in thin air and then it’s all a void, the darkness I always feared, the darkness I was always scared to live in.
Running after you, I embraced the darkness. I decided to stop waiting for you; I have decided to stop believing that someday, you will come back to me; I have decided that I will not wait for your phone call anymore, I will not ask you to love me back anymore. I wish to let go of everything…our memories, my desires and yes, you too.
Is there any need to hold on to you?
Is there any need to wait for you for years?
To dwell on the idea that you love me when the reality is otherwise?
Is there any need to keep on inflicting pain upon myself for years to come and bearing this uncertainty of your love? Will this relationship ever be fruitful?
Will it ever lead to a happy life?
Is it really worth waiting for you?
Perhaps, not. It’s now time to focus on myself. It’s now the time to live a life where there is nobody to disturb, nobody to intervene, nobody to expect and nobody to question.
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You weren’t just a mere ball of sorrow.
We had our moments together…days when we would laugh and feel so grateful to this universe for bringing us together; then there would be times when we would be there to support each other in moments of distress. We were a perfect couple and then we fought with imperfections.
You would say we failed to understand each other. And we would keep on talking, fighting, and discussing. We spent nights together dreaming of those creations we would be parenting, fulfilling life-goals together, growing old together. Yes, those were some wonderful moments I would hold on to as I let you go.
We had whirlwinds too as we sailed. Perhaps the whirlwind has become stronger and drifted us apart.
And now, I am sailing on my own to find my own shore. I need to set myself free to as I set you free. I do not wish to hold on to you anymore. I wish to discover myself, I wish to explore myself.
Remember those moments when I said I can’t live without you and you told me to be strong? Well, you made me strong and now I am learning to live without you.
Those nights I cried waiting for your call made me stronger. Tears do not come to me anymore. I have grown numb by getting hurt.
I do not feel the pain anymore.
Now I am not scared to go to our favorite places alone or eat at our favorite restaurants alone. I feel comfortable without you.
It’s true that I miss you. I miss you when I dress up and see that ribbon you had once tied around my hair. I do not use it anymore. I am letting go of the things you gave me…those cards, those accessories. I am keeping them safe somewhere in my wardrobe but I do not wish to see them every day.
I never stopped loving you, but I am moving on and opening myself to this universe. Perhaps our destination was not the same. Perhaps we were meant to travel to some extent and depart. I cannot bear the burden of your ignorance anymore.
I have been hurt deeply; I have been too hurt to let you go.
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But I will keep on loving you. I will keep on cherishing the moments you gave me. The free, independent, strong woman I am now today is solely for you. You changed me. You showed me what true life is, your ignorance taught me to deal with the harshness of this life. Losing you has been my worst nightmare and I am going through it now.
I am living without you and I have emerged from the deluge, stronger. You were meant to come in my life, love me, and then ignore me so that I can be a stronger woman, myself.
I will keep on loving you, forever. You have been special to me. You will remain special, always.
I never stopped loving you, I just stopped waiting for you.
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