Why We Love People We Can’t Have and How To Deal With It

/

,
Why We Love People We Can’t Have and How To Deal With It

Loving someone you can’t have can take a huge emotional toll on you and your mental health. But why do we fall in love with people we can’t have?

Have you fallen love with someone who you can’t have?

Scratching your head wondering, “why do I always fall in love with someone I can’t have?” then wonder how to manifest the love you really want? From that specific person?

The law of attraction teachings make it sound so easy to manifest true love with a specific person.

The truth is like most things there’s more to it.

Maybe unrequited love is a frustrating, sickening pattern in your life.

You see someone and just get sucked in. Before you know it, you’re counting the seconds before you see them again. Hoping to catch a glimpse, dying to get more.

Maybe you’ve stayed up late, googling why you fall in love with someone you can’t have, or wonder how to attract a specific person, even though right now the odds seem completely stacked against you.

Maybe you’ve tried endless law of attraction methods to attract a specific person, meditated and even used magic to attract a specific person (SP).

Maybe you’ve even been to hours of therapy to sort this out.

Related: 8 Ways To Tell If He’s With You Just Because He’s Lonely

Ever wonder WHY you fall in love with emotionally unavailable people in the first place?

The answer is simple, but crushing.

Unrequited love keeps YOU unavailable as you wait.

Since you’ve already been auto-rejected by your love object’s total unavailability from the start, the risk of rejection is completely removed since you aren’t even a real option as a partner for them.

You’re completely free to love them from afar without the risk of them abandoning you since they (but also you) weren’t available from the start.

Since you put them out of your orbit from the beginning, you get the added ego benefit of striving and working for this lofty new goal. You have a cause. A grand journey.

“I just have to learn how to manifest a specific person” you tell yourself.

Then, in the chance you succeed in turning this situation around, you get to pretend it’s because you’re so irresistible and flawless at the law of attraction you couldn’t possibly be rejected after all that “work.”

But… behind closed doors you’ve been dealing out that rejection to yourself… for years.

Because a controlled burn can’t get that out of hand.

Falling in love with someone who has the capacity to actually love you back represents the REAL dragon.

After all, what if you opened up and let him see your real, soft, sweet, squishy dark heart and then he rejected you?

What if he leaves?

What if you let go of all this icky control, let someone genuinely love you back and you’re STILL not good enough?

What if he dies?

Oh hell no. You might die from that whole bullshit experience.

Better stay safe with these charming people who can’t really hurt you.

Falling in love with someone you can’t have might be frustrating and soul-crushing but it’s pretty “safe” because they can’t even really choose to reject you since “the situation” already has.

If you just fall for someone who can’t love you back, you get to stall. You’re also completely free to distract yourself with fast food, shitty connections with disposable people you don’t even want to see again since your “real” lover isn’t there.

Your real self gets to play in her playpen, safe from judgment. Never truly seen or heard, but completely devoid of accountability.

Safe from risking any gut-wrenching, soul-destroying, painful experience which might point out that she’s ACTUALLY as unworthy and crappy and empty as you knew all along.

“Better keep her to myself, she’s deformed. If he sees HER, oh my God… then my secret will REALLY be out. There’s no way anyone would stick around if they knew the real me. Better stick with this (safely) impossible situation.”

Then you get to spend your precious time and vast amounts of emotional energy distracting yourself with plotting, planning, and scheming over “when the conditions change” or when you finally “win” him over and convince him to leave his wife, stop being a workaholic, return to your stone-dead relationship or seduce him.

Related: 6 Signs He Is Incapable Of Love

Then, THEN you would have REAL evidence of your irresistibility since you “won” at this impossible game you rigged from the start.

THEN you’ll be ready for prime time.

THEN you’ll be good enough.

You’ll even have the added bonus of undeniable (right..?) PROOF he’s so smitten with you he could never change his mind could he?

On the off chance you win, you get to hide in the illusion that since you turned this icky situation around with your complete irresistibility then you have nothing to fear. You’re safe. Overcoming the odds just might prove your true worthiness.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

He couldn’t possibly go to to all this trouble to overcome the odds and jump through all these hoops and THEN dump you. No way.

The sick, sad truth is:

Your self-worth is in the toilet.

If it wasn’t, you would absolutely REFUSE to put yourself in this position or anything like it— ever.

You might vaguely fantasize about some random person’s sheer physical hotness (since we all do)— but you would never lower yourself to “helplessly” falling in love with someone you can’t have.

You would never even DREAM of saying to your precious, irresistible, goddess-self:

You know what? You are not WORTH big, amazing, vulnerable love. You have no choice but to play small because you’re not good enough. You should keep going with this impossible situation since you definitely don’t measure up to what you’re afraid to even admit you really want.”

You wouldn’t sit around wishing, waiting, and hoping for “your turn” with this person who isn’t yours. You wouldn’t scheme about getting rid of his relationship to insert yourself. You wouldn’t find ways to change the situation “in your favor.”

You wouldn’t even care. He would be a non-issue for you.

You can’t be hurt by anyone except yourself when you’re this committed to hiding.

So let me ask you.

Where did you get this faulty, shitty idea that you are so broken and crappy and second-rate that you have no choice but to lower yourself?

After all, it’s YOU who insists this is the way it has to be. That you’re some hapless victim of YOUR feelings around some situation that YOU rigged.

What if you stopped trying to control other people’s reactions to your carefully cultivated, fake, BULLSHIT persona built on NOTHING except people-pleasing and reputation management?

Even with the people closest to you who you SAY you love but don’t even know you?

What if you just stopped running that inner gauntlet of fun-house mirror insecurities and committed to doing this whole “love thing” straight as YOU?

Related: 7 Reasons Most People Fear Falling In Love

What if you stopped telling yourself all about everything wrong with you and started noticing everything that’s OH SO RIGHT?

What if you dropped this whole struggle to attract someone specific, started building your gorgeous castle on bedrock and THEN attracted whoever you want?

Haven’t you had enough?

Written by Elizabeth Stone
Originally appeared in AttractTheOne.com
Why you fall in love with someone you can't have pin
Why We Love People We Can’t Have and How To Deal With It
Why We Love People We Can't Have and How To Deal With It
Why We Love People We Can’t Have and How To Deal With It

2 responses to “Why We Love People We Can’t Have and How To Deal With It”

  1. Elizabeth Hodgson Avatar

    Thank you so much for your wisdom.
    I really needed that.

  2. Bryant Avatar

    LET IT ALL GO…NOW…AND GIVE TRUE LOVE A CHANCE. YOUR GOAL SHOULD BE TO LOVE YOURSELF ❤️ MORE THAN YOUR SOULMATE LOVES YOU. BUT THAT MIGHT BE THE FIRST GOAL IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU NEVER ACHIEVE AND MAY TAKE FOREVER AND THEN SOME

  • Workplace Bullying: How To Deal With Bullies At Work
  • Lack Of Individuation: From Codependent Chameleon To True Self
  • The Rise in Armchair Psychologists on Social Media
  • 30+ Inspiring Quotes About Forgiveness To Let Go Of The Painful Past
Up Next

How To Not Be Clingy In A Relationship: 5 Tips To Manage Neediness

How Not Be Clingy In Relationship

When you try to hold on to the one you love, do they slip away like grains of sand? Maybe you need to loosen your grip a little bit more and learn how to not be clingy in a relationship.

We know how much it hurts to be called clingy or needy, just because one cares too deeply about another person and wants to be a part of their lives. With all the atrocious things humans inflict upon each other, does the need for love and care pose that big a problem?

Sadly, according to a study, clinginess and lack of personal space are the top relationship turn-offs. So, when does it go from sweet and nurturing to overbearing and smothering? And how can you manage your need for reassurance so that it doesn’t push your loved one away?

Does love mean letting go of the one you love or holding on to them for dear life? Does love mean the little things you do together or the big dramatic gestures? What love means to you exactly?

As we all are different, so are our convictions, thoughts, and principles. Even when it comes to love, the great equalizer, our perspectives vary. For some, love means holding hands and taking selfies together while making weird faces, and for some, love might mean deep conversations about life and relationships.

However, as long as you and your partner are on the same page regarding what love means to you as a couple, you are golden.

And as the zodiac signs influence our personality and behavioral traits, they are a sure shot-shot way to know what love means to you and someone else. This way, you can understand yo


READ FULL ARTICLE ⇲
Up Next

What Is A Throuple Relationship And How Does One Work?

What Is A Throuple Relationship

Intimacy might not look the same for everyone, as intimacy is not really a black and white concept. What defines intimacy for you, might not have the same appeal for someone else. Society is changing as we know it, and it's becoming more and more accepting of every sort of relationship and love today. Amongst all the types of relationships, throuple relationships are one of them.

The spectrum of romantic relationships is gradually widening, and people are slowly beginning to recognize and respect throuple relationships, instead of ridiculing them or dismissing them as immoral and dirty. Even though we have come a long way, we still have a long way to go.

So, what is a throuple relationship, what it is like to be in a throuple, and how does a throuple relationship work?

Love. The one thing everyone wants. The one thing everyone seeks. Love is the closest thing to magic in our dull, dreary, gray hued lives. Love lights up the darkness in our hearts and makes us feel warm in the chilly weather of loneliness. No wonder most of us are so desperate to love and be loved. We frantically run around looking for the one, but we need to stop looking for love and let it find us. 

We need to stop being so afraid of being left alone. We need to stop being afraid of being strong. We need to stop being driven by fear and pain. You need to stop looking for love and let it find you. I know the lump in the throat and the heaviness in the heart is becoming unbearable. I know how badly you want to be loved. I know how much you deserve to be loved…unconditionally. And that is exactly why I am telling you, you need


READ FULL ARTICLE ⇲
Up Next

Why We Hurt The Ones We Love The Most: 19 Harsh Reasons

hurting someone you love

Love hurts. No, not like those cheesy Hollywood movies or romance novels. Real love is a lot messier, filthy, and painful. No matter how much you may love someone, you either get hurt or end up hurting someone you love.

As the old saying goes, we hurt the ones we love the most. Yes, it sounds terrible, but there is actually some science to it. When we love someone, whether it’s romantic or platonic, we let our guards down and become honest, open, and vulnerable with each other. While this should make our relationship stronger, in reality, it creates the ground where we hurt the ones we love, whether intentionally or unintentionally. 

We fight. 
We argue. 
We shout. 
We ignore them. 
We blame them for our mistakes.