Have you ever wondered why so many relationships end in heartache? Even relationships that begin with incredible love, faithful promises and the best of intentions often come to a bitter end. If love is all you need, why does it all go so wrong?
What if I told you, there is a single core issue responsible for almost every breakup and break down, and, not just in our romantic relationships, but in all our relationships?
As a relationship coach for almost twenty years, I share this insight with you now so that you can gain the wisdom and power to find love in all the right places.
Humanity’s Invisible Wound
Most of humanity is silently suffering from the invisible wound of unworthiness. Because we have amnesia of our true selves, and we have forgotten that we are unconditionally loved by an All Loving Source, we come into this world asking, “Am I worthy of love?” From our first breath, we seek this answer, not knowing that the life-long quality of our relationships, prosperity and health all depend on our immature interpretation of the signs.
In most cases, this pivotal answer is, “I am worthy if….” Until we awaken, Conditional Worthiness is the foundational belief for almost every human being on this planet and the core belief that every other belief is based upon. If you believe that you are fundamentally unworthy of love unless you meet certain conditions, you will construct a reality built on this false premise, and, as a result, you will embark on this game of life, seeking love outside yourself, and building unsustainable relationships upon that search. In future, these relationships end in heartache.
Most people spend their entire lives trying to prove that they are worthy of love, never considering that the quest for worthiness is impossible to fulfill, nor understanding, that this impossible quest covertly sabotages virtually every loving relationship. And that’s why so many relationships end in heartache.
The Core Wound
If you look deep, you will find that the core wound of all emotional wounds is the belief of unworthiness or conditional worthiness. This belief is so painful because it is completely untrue, but since our parents, teachers and peers all suffer from the same debilitating belief, it seems perfectly normal.
As a way to cope with the emotional wound of unworthiness, the well-meaning ego selects a “primary emotional need,” that when met, temporarily fills this wound. The “primary emotional need” is specific to you and your life experiences, with the most common emotional needs including appreciation, approval, acceptance, understanding and being heard, but there are many more, as well.
This means that if your primary emotional need is acceptance, you must somehow get others to accept you, again and again, in order to feel worthy of love. Our personalities become molded according to this need and our unconscious strategies to get this need met, influencing our choice of careers, friends, clothes, interests and just about everything else.
Although we are usually unaware of this primary emotional need, there is a part of us who is constantly tracking for the fulfillment of this need, and, consequently, altering our behavior in order to get it met.
We might sacrifice our desires for approval, compromise our values for appreciation or hide behind a false self in exchange for being understood. Without knowing it, your primary emotional need runs your life, making you do things you don’t really want to do, and keeping you from expressing your true self. It is an invisible prison of your own making, and, even if you can get others to meet this emotional need, it is never enough to fill this bottomless pit of unworthiness. If you continue like this all your relationships will end in heartache.