10 Ways To Limit People Pleasing

 / 

, ,
People Pleasing Syndrome Ways To Limit People Pleasing

“People pleasing is really fearing people’s reactions, rejection or abandonment.” – Tracy A Malone

Key Points:

  • People pleasing often starts in childhood, when someone doesn’t have, or doesn’t give themselves, permission to put themselves first.
  • Valuing others more than oneself delegates reinforcement of one’s worth to the outside world.
  • People pleasers tend to be over-observant of micro-expressions and verbal nuances in others.
  • To avoid people pleasing at work, one can stop overcompensating and feeling responsible for mistakes made by coworkers.

We’re all susceptible to the effects of the people pleasing syndrome—children, teens, adults, and parents. Psychologist and author Harriet B. Braiker referred to people pleasing in her book, Disease to Please (2002). She noted, “People often say ‘yes’ when they’d rather say ‘no,’ setting off many problems.” For them, the uncontrollable need for the elusive approval of others is like an addiction.

Statistically, people pleasing behavior is more prominent in women than men. A 2010 study showed that 54 percent of women are suffering greater adverse effects on both mental and physical health from people pleasing behaviors, compared to 40 percent of men.

People pleasing often starts in childhood when we don’t give ourselves permission to please or put ourselves first. By valuing others more than ourselves, we delegate reinforcement of our worth to the outside world, which is unreliable and makes prolonged validation fleeting.

I’ve developed a handful of tips to help people mindfully address reducing this behavior at home and work. If you’re able to practice them, you should experience noticeable improvement, without risking relationships you’ve built with a desire to be of service.

Related: What Is Social Chameleon Personality? 7 Key Signs to Watch Out For

5 Tips to Stop People Pleasing at Home

Reducing people pleasing at home can improve personal and family relationships by reducing resentment and feelings of being underappreciated.

1. Don’t offer unsolicited advice, guidance, or problem-solving strategies unless you’re specifically asked. We engage in these behaviors to secure a feeling of indispensability for the relationship. However, if guidance is ignored, it can create frustration and resentment.

2. Practice not saying yes when you want to say no. When you offer to do things you don’t want to, it can lead to a lack of follow-through. This creates internal tension, decreasing self-respect, as well as relationship problems.

Signs of people pleasing and people pleasing behaviors

3. People pleasers are over-observant of micro-expressions and verbal nuances. Avoid overthinking or personalizing interactions. Exercise patience to wait and see if anything is wrong. Practice developing alternative scenarios that verify what you saw that has nothing to do with you. Exercise frustration tolerance to avoid security check-ins before making assumptions.

4. Unburden yourself from feeling responsible for curating other people’s enjoyable time. Feeling responsible for other people’s happiness impedes our own satisfaction. We need to be capable and responsible as individuals for our own personal contentment and see others in the same light.

5. If you’re becoming resentful or feel taken advantage of by others, give yourself permission to communicate transparently. It’s the best way to preserve relationships. Use “I” statements to ensure you’re taking responsibility for feeling resentful and not externalizing blame on someone else for your feelings.

If you believe people want to be around you for who you are, and not what you can do for them, you will develop a stronger belief in your inherent lovability.

Related: 11 Things People Pleasers End Up Doing Unintentionally

5 Tips to Stop People Pleasing at Work

Challenging people pleasing behaviors at work is an essential tool in preventing and projecting a secure work image.

Looking and feeling self-confident and self-assured yields positive work empowerment. It should also improve job performance, increase feelings of self-worth, and put you on a path to satisfy your goals for success.

1. Be honest with yourself and avoid overselling yourself to prove your worth to a client or supervisor. Trust and believe in your own value instead of trying to over-please. Trying to over-please a supervisor can backfire. It can adversely affect their view of you and lower your self-respect as well.

2. Only apologize once for making a mistake. We can’t please people all the time. We’re humans, not robots. Errors are unintentional. Growth comes from errors. Don’t punish yourself for them.

3. Unburden yourself from overcompensating and feeling responsible for mistakes made by other people or coworkers. However, learn from their mistakes in the same way you would learn from your own.

Signs of people pleasing and people pleasing behaviors

4. Stem the impulse of anticipating someone else’s needs or jumping in to do their work—unless it’s requested. You may feel you’re being kind and generous, but if it’s not reciprocated later, it can fuel resentment.

5. Pause before engaging in activities that may look or feel you’re ingratiating yourself to others to assert your value. You might not want to be the one who’s always organizing the office “Happy Hour” or bringing in pastries. Allowing someone else to engage in actions that benefit you and others will help to develop more self-worth and confidence.

Related: How To Stop Being A People Pleaser: 9 Important Reminders For A People Pleaser and How To Finally Say ‘No’

Honestly believing that people want to be with you because of who you are, and not because of the service you offer, helps to build a core building block and foundation in your relationships. It will improve your self-confidence and feelings of lovability and lead to more sustainable satisfaction in your life.

Want to know more about how to stop people pleasing? Check this video out below!

How to avoid people pleasing

The print version of Dr. Jennifer Guttman’s debut as an author, Beyond Happiness, The 6 Secrets Of Lifetime Satisfaction will be published by Post Hill Press on May 30, 2023. Pre-order link http://posthill.to/1637587945. You can also pre-order her book at Barnes & Noble – https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/beyond-happiness-jennifer-guttman-psyd/1142978001

References:

Robert F. Kusher and Seung W. Choi, (June 2010), "Prevalence of Unhealthy Lifestyle Patterns Among Overweight and Obese Adults, National Library of Medicine, Pub.Med
Written By Jennifer Guttman Psy.D.
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today

stop people pleasing

tips to stop people pleasing, people pleasers, people pleasing syndrome
people pleasing behavior
how to stop people pleasing, how to avoid people pleasing, how to stop being a people pleaser

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

The Power Of Alone Time: 9 Surprising Benefits Of Solitude

Surprising Mental Health Benefits Of Solitude

Ever sat with yourself in the quiet darkness of the night when the world goes to sleep and stars smile at you? When you are alone with your thoughts, away from the hustle and bustle of daily life, that’s exactly when you start experiencing the benefits of solitude. 

In a world that thrives on constant connectivity and noise, it’s easy to overlook the need for silence and solitude. But what if I told you that embracing and cherishing these moments of solitude could have a significant positive impact on your mental well-being? 

Let’s  explore the importance of solitude and delve into the remarkable mental health benefits of solitude in our lives.

The Need for Solitude



Up Next

7 Habits To Foster A Positive Relationship With Social Media: From FOMO To JOMO

Habits To Foster A Positive Relationship With Social Media

We all know that it’s hard to resist the allure of scrolling through feeds, liking posts, and staying connected in this digital age. But let’s face it, sometimes our relationship with social media can get a bit complicated. It’s like a rollercoaster ride with its ups and downs, and can leave you feeling both exhilarated and emotionally drained.

If you’ve ever found yourself questioning whether you’re spending too much time doom scrolling or feeling overwhelmed by the constant barrage of information, then you’ve come to the right place.

In this article, we’re going to explore seven habits that will help you build a healthy relationship with social media, and why healthy social media use can be really good for you in the long run.



Up Next

8 Powerful Self Compassion Exercises To Rescue Your Mind And Soul

Self Compassion Exercises to Transform Your Life

Are you your own harshest critic? Do you constantly strive for perfection and feel like you’re never good enough? Is it making you feel exhausted? Then you need to learn and practice self compassion exercises so that you can treat yourself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance. 

Let’s explore some transformative self compassion practices that will help you break free from self-judgment and embrace your authentic self. So, grab a cup of your favorite beverage, settle in, and let’s figure out how to truly accept yourself.

Understanding Self-Compassion: Being Kind Toward Ourselves

Before we delve into self compassion exercises, let’s take a moment to understand what self-compassion truly means



Up Next

Self Care Ideas For Mental Health: 10 Mental Health Boosters For Those Bad Days

Easy Self Care Ideas For Mental Health And Those Bad Days

Feeling like your brain is doing backflips in a rollercoaster? You know those days when your mental health takes a nosedive and it feels like you are caught up in a relentless storm? But fear not, because I’ve got your back with these self care ideas for mental health that can help you ride out the bumpy patches.

Whether you’re battling anxiety, stress, tension or just a case of the blues, these easy self care ideas will give you the boost you need to conquer the day. So grab a cup of tea, cozy up, and get ready to discover some self-care ideas for bad days that will leave you feeling like a superhero in no time.

Related: Self Care: 12 Tips to Take Better



Up Next

How Can You Respect Yourself? 8 Ways To Cultivate Self-Respect and Dignity

How Can You Respect Yourself? Steps to Value Yourself

Have you ever wondered how to give yourself the love and appreciation you truly deserve? You show respect to everyone around you, but what about you? Do you extend the same courtesy to yourself? And if you feel like you don’t, then how can you respect yourself?

It’s time to dive into the world of self-respect and what does it mean to respect yourself. The kindness and admiration you show others, you deserve the same too. In a world that often emphasizes the importance of validation from others, it’s easy to overlook the fact that real confidence and true self-worth comes from within.

So, are you ready to embark on a journey of self-discovery and self-care, and become your biggest cheerleader? Let’s find out how can you respect yourself, and give yourself the importance you deserve.



Up Next

How To Spend Me Time? 8 Best Ways To Make The Most Of Your Solitude

How To Spend Me Time? Best Ways To Make The Most Of It

We all know that life can get pretty hectic sometimes, with deadlines to meet, errands to run, and a never-ending to-do list. But in the midst of all the chaos, it’s really important for you to carve out some “me-time” to recharge your batteries and reconnect with yourself. So, how to spend me time, and make the most of your precious moments alone?

Well, this article is going to explore some of the best me time ideas, and how you can have an amazing time by yourself. So, are you ready to figure out what to do so that you can make the most of your alone time? Let’s get started.

Related: 10 Things That Make An Intr



Up Next

How To Not Hate Your Body: 4 Ideas That Work

How To Not Hate Your Body: Ideas That Work

How to not hate your body? What can you do if your aim is improving your body image? Dealing with body image issues is challenging, to say the least. However, it is possible to stop hating your body without losing a single pound or focusing on the weighing scale. Let’s explore how to stop hating your body and loving yourself more.

Sometimes I get emails that tear me up with their honesty and vulnerability, recently I received one that particularly touched me.

“I wanted to tell you that I really enjoy your podcast! I always look forward to the 20-30 minutes where I can just relax and listen to your discussion.