How Long Does Parent-Child Estrangement Usually Last? 4 Determining Factors

/

Published on:

how long does parent child estrangement usually last 1

Becoming a parent is a demanding job. As your child ages and gets into adulthood, the relationship changes though. A parentโ€™s relationship with their adult children can change and become estranged. The most common form of parent-child estrangement is the result of children abandoning their parents. But what factors can explain this and how long does this parent-child estrangement last?

Parent-Child Estrangement: What do parents need to know when adult children cut them off?
Nine years, average. Five-plus years for mothers, seven-plus for fathers. Less than five years, in most cases. All of these timelines have appeared in various research studies on estrangement between parents and adult children. None is definitive.

How Long Your Estrangement From Your Child Lasts Will Depend On Several Factors.

And while only one of these is within your control, thatโ€™s not necessarily a bad thing.

Factor 1: Your Child

Your childโ€™s temperament and circumstances will affect the length of estrangement. Letโ€™s look at each of these.

Temperament

If your child is particularly soft-hearted or family-oriented, sheโ€™s more likely to look for reasons to reconcile. If heโ€™s particularly stubborn, independent, or apt to hold grudges, heโ€™s a harder case.

How well your childโ€™s personality meshes with yours is another element that appears in the โ€œtemperamentโ€ column.

Circumstances

Your childโ€™s circumstances play a larger role than you might think in how long the estrangement will last.

Busy young adults can easily put troubled relationships with parents on the back burner. They donโ€™t have extra time or energy to spend working through things with people who remind them of the past. Theyโ€™re naturally oriented towards the futureโ โ€”new relationships, careers, living situations, opportunities, etc.

What might have taken a good, long conversation or two to work through could take months or years to resolve. This is because of the fact that adultsโ€™ priorities typically donโ€™t include moving โ€œbackwards,โ€ i.e., closer to parents. Even if they love you, building an independent life takes precedence for most healthy young people.

Related: Why You MUST Cut Ties With A Toxic Family Member

Factor 2: Pressure

You may be surprised to hear this, but estranged adult children experience near-constant pressure to reconcile with their parents. There are two separate types of pressure on your child.

Social Pressure

Your child lives in a society that values family. Socially speaking, it will never be โ€œcomfortableโ€ for your child to be estranged from you. Pressure to reconcile may come from your childโ€™s spouse, in-laws, friends, coworkers, and even casual acquaintances.

When people find out your child doesnโ€™t talk to you, many will encourage them to reconcile. Itโ€™s common for people to be uncomfortable when others cut off their parents. These folks will often make your child feel judged as ungrateful or unfeeling.

Internal Pressure

Thereโ€™s often uncertainty around estrangement, even in those who initiate it. โ€œAm I a bad daughter?โ€ โ€œWas I asking too much of my parents?โ€ โ€œAm I right to stay away?โ€ Far from being on a power trip, estrangers are often plagued by insecurity surrounding their decision.

For many, it would be easier to reconcile and not have to struggle with these thoughts. The longer it goes on, the more exhausting this can be.

Related: Parental Alienation Syndrome: What Is It, And Who Does It?

Factor 3: Time

The passage of time changes everything. Time can heal, or at least soothe old wounds. It can usher in perspective as circumstances change and tables turn. There are dozens of wise old sayings about this. Suffice it to say, itโ€™s impossible to step into the same river twice.

You and your child will both be different tomorrow than you were yesterday. And the more tomorrow pass, the more room there is for change.

Anger may have flared between you and your child in the past. But in time, memories will start to fade around the edges. Anger will ease off and reveal the hurt feelings beneath. Again: Perspectives can and do shift.

All of this happens only as time passes. You can go ahead and curse time for being a thief. But also remember to celebrate it as a helpful friend. Iโ€™ve heard of estrangements finally ending after more than 30 years. Time can work miracles.

Factor 4: You

Last but not least, what impact can you have on how long your child remains estranged? Plenty. And that cuts both ways.

Itโ€™s important to remain calm when your child initiates cut-off. Acting from emotion usually leads to poor results. While you may not be able to speed up reconciliation, you can always slow the process down, and the best way to impede progress is with impulsive, emotional behavior that serves your needs while ignoring those of your child.

Contacting an adult who has asked for space is a good way to force them further away from you. It will also prolong the estrangement since the request for space remains unfulfilled as long as youโ€™re reaching out.

If you havenโ€™t been asked for no-contact, your calm and loving response to your childโ€™s distancing behaviors may help to draw him or her back into the conversation. You need to understand what went wrong, and how you can address the problem as The Parent.

No reconciliation will last if itโ€™s not followed up with positive changes to the relationship. The best thing you can do with the time thatโ€™s been forced on you is to learn how to understand and address your childโ€™s emotional needs.

People donโ€™t estrange from parents on a whim, or just because someone else wants them to. If your child is willing to put distance between you, thereโ€™s something there for you to understand.

Related: What Is Positive Emotional Detachment: Definition and Meaning

Parents And Personal Growth

In most cases, thereโ€™s something invisible to the parent, that bothers the child about the relationship. For rejected parents, deep introspection and intentional personal growth can bring such issues to light. The better you understand yourself, the better chance you have of understanding your child.

Here are a couple of things you can do to enhance Factor 4 while you wait for the other factors to work on your childโ€ฆ

1. Donโ€™t contact an adult child whoโ€™s expressly asked for no contact.

As I already suggested, it wonโ€™t go well for you. The most likely response will be either negative or none at all. You could easily prolong the estrangement unnecessarily.

2. Practice emotional literacy.

Far from being just distractions, emotions are the very basis of our quality of life and our enjoyment of relationships. If youโ€™ve been disregarding or disrespecting the role of emotions in your life, itโ€™s time to change that stance.

Related: Why Grown Kids Tend To โ€œGhostโ€ a Parentโ€™s Wedding

3. Notice how you feel.

Learn to embrace and tolerate every feeling you might have. Once you start paying attention and honoring your own feelings, youโ€™ll understand and respond to othersโ€™ emotions with greater ease. Practice constructive wallowing.

4. Cultivate social support.

Your child isnโ€™t there for you right now. But that doesnโ€™t mean you have to be alone. Seek the company of people who accept, understand, and love you. This is not a nice-to-have. Itโ€™s a need-to-have, for your physical and emotional well-being.

5. Get therapy.

If youโ€™re not already in therapy, find a compassionate counselor who can help you understand your history and current experiences. Getting clear on these will not only make you feel better about yourself but will put you in a better position to understand your child when the time comes.

You are the fourth and final factor in how long your estrangement will last. The other three might bring your child back to you even if you do nothing. But reconciliations that occur without an intentional change in the parent usually fall back into estrangement eventually.

Do whatever you need to heal and grow as an individual now. It will help you get to the bottom of why the relationship faltered in the first place. Youโ€™ll also become more adept at solving any problems that need solving between you and your child.


References
Lucy Blake, โ€œParents and Children Who Are Estranged in Adulthood: A Review and Discussion of the Literature,โ€ Journal of Family Theory and Review 9 (December 2017): 528.
Richard P. Conti, โ€œFamily Estrangement: Establishing a Prevalence Rate,โ€ Journal of Psychology and Behavioral Science 3, No. 2 (December 2015): 34.
Kristina Scharp and Rachel M. McLaren, โ€œUncertainty Issues and Management in Adult Childrenโ€™s Stories of Their Estrangement with Their Parents,โ€ Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 35, No. 6 (2017): 812

Written By:Tina Gilbertson
Originally Appeared On:Psychology Today 
Republished with permission
How Long Does Parent-Child Estrangement Usually Last pin
How Long Does Parent Child Estrangement pin
how long does parent child estrangement usually last pin

— Share —

, , ,

Responses

  1. Mama in Pain Avatar
    Mama in Pain

    I do not agree with some of this. As the estranged mom for the past 3 years, I can tell you that my daughter demanded an apology, so I’ve given her what she asked for. Disclaimer, she refused to pay for a vehicle i cosigned for her. No response. She’s told many people she just wanted an apology. But then she told someone close to both of us she’ll talk “if and when” she wants to. So I call bs. This is solidly about power and control. I’m not interested. I only want peace.
    I see emotional immaturity at play. I don’t think she wants peace. She wants control. I am no longer pandering to this bs. I’m worthy of more than this disrespect from her. Silence is abusive. Manipulation is abusive. The only way this will be solved is communication, regardless of how hard it is or how much time passes.

  2. Gia Avatar
    Gia

    I also do not agree with a fair amount of this. At no time did I read how important it is for the child as well to take ownership for the issues that have also caused the estrangement. You cant blame mom and dad forever for everything. Its a slippery slope.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

Does Gentle Parenting Work?

Does Gentle Parenting Style Work? Important Things To Know

Can setting firm boundaries with kindness raise well-behaved kids, or does it lead to entitlement and defiance? Let’s learn more about gentle parenting style!

A look at the data on gentle parenting.

Key points

The concept of Gentle Parenting is not based on scientific data.

Gentle Parenting does incorporate some very good parenting techniques.

Gentle Parenting may ask too much of parents.

What Is Gentle Parenting Style?

Up Next

Let Kids Be Kids? 6 Identifying Signs of Hurried Child Syndrome

Clear Hurried Child Syndrome Symptoms

Some of us felt the pressure to grow up too fastโ€ฆ meet deadlines, succeed academically, and always be on top of thingsโ€”before we were even ready. It turns out, this pressure is real for some children today, and itโ€™s called Hurried Child Syndrome. Letโ€™s explore more about this condition.

What Is Hurried Child Syndrome?

Wondering what is Hurried Child Syndrome? It re

Up Next

Hovering Too Hard? 7 Mistakes Parents Who Overparent Often Make

Mistakes Parents Who Overparent Make: Hovering Too Hard?

Itโ€™s easy for parents who overparent to fall into the trap of doing too much in the name of love and care. But sometimes, all that hovering and controlling can backfire in surprising ways. Letโ€™s break down the seven common mistakes and how to avoid them!

KEY POINTS

Overprotective parenting can have a negative impact on childrenโ€™s mental health and relationships.

If you recognize any of these signs in yourself, itโ€™s important to take steps to change your behavior.

Encourage your child to try new things, let them make mistakes, take risks, and solve problems on their own.

Up Next

Is Your Daughter in a Controlling Relationship? 9 Ways to Help Her Break Free

Daughter in a Controlling Relationship? Things You Can Do

Have you ever had a very strong gut feeling that your daughter might not be in a healthy relationship? Or that she is in a relationship with a controlling boyfriend? Today we are going to talk about what you can do, when you have a daughter in a controlling relationship.

Yeah, itโ€™s a tough pill to swallow. Bossy boyfriends sneakily isolate, manipulate and dim the light in the people they date. And if your daughter is dating someone like this, then it’s understandable how tough it can be to watch that.

However, there’s always light at the end of the tunnel – as her mother, you can help her break free from her controlling boyfriend. This isnโ€™t about swooping in like a superhero; itโ€™s about being smart, supportive, and steady.

First, let’s start with trying to understand who a controlling boyfriend

Up Next

8 Undeniable Signs She’s Destined to Be an A+ Mom

Qualities of a Good Mother That Guarantee A+ Parenting!

Moms are superheroes, plain and simple. But being a great mom isnโ€™t just about keeping the fridge stocked and making sure homework gets done. Itโ€™s about making your kids feel loved, valued, and truly understood. Moms are often the first and biggest influence in a childโ€™s life, shaping how they see themselves and the world.

Being a good mom is about way more than just keeping a kid alive (though, yes, thatโ€™s non-negotiable). Itโ€™s about showing up with love, wisdom, and that unshakable belief in her kidโ€™s potential. Moms help mold who we are and how we see the world.

Up Next

Divorce And Holidays: 5 Co-Parenting Tips To Help Kids Enjoy Christmas

Helpful Divorce And Holidays Coping Tips For Parents

The festive season is often described as the most wonderful time of the year. However, divorce and holidays can be tricky to navigate for some families, itโ€™s not only challenging for kids but also for their parents.

Children deserve to be in happy and healthy homes, a safe space to enjoy and make memories rather than facing bickering fights and drama.

If youโ€™re co parenting on Christmas, create a holiday season thatโ€™s joyful and comforting for your children. Below are five practical divorce and holidays coping tips to help your kids enjoy the festivities, even after a separation or divorce.

Up Next

How To Deal With A Disrespectful Grown Child: 10 Parenting Moves That Work

How To Deal With A Disrespectful Grown Child

Itโ€™s one of the toughest pills to swallow: a disrespectful grown child. Whether theyโ€™re dismissing your advice, talking back, or just acting like they couldnโ€™t care less about you or your feelings, it hurts. But how to deal with a disrespectful grown child without feeling like youโ€™re losing your mind?

Today, we are going to talk about the signs of a disrespectful grown child and how to deal with one. Spoiler: Itโ€™s not about โ€œgetting back at themโ€ โ€” itโ€™s about creating change together, so that you can have a healthy relationship with each other, that’s based on mutual respect.

First, let’s start with the signs of a disrespectful grown child.

Related: