Why Good Communication Is Actually Good Emotion Regulation in Disguise

 / 

,
Good Communication Is Good Emotion Regulation in Disguise

Good Communication Is Actually Good Emotion

Couples often say that they need to work on their communication. This is what is holding them back from greater happiness.

Kind of, but not really.

Ironically, couples who aren’t getting along often communicate very clearly: “I don’t want to talk to you about that.” “Why would you ask me that?” “There’s something wrong with you.” “You’re making me angry.” They are very clearly broadcasting their hurt, disappointment, frustration, confusion, and/or anxiety. Message sent and received.

What may not be communicated as clearly is, “I want us to do better in this way,” and perhaps most importantly, “here is what I think that we each need to do to get there.” Or maybe that productive message is lost in a lousy delivery. Or maybe the delivery was good enough, but the receiver got too defensive to really hear it for what it is.

Almost by definition, the problems that couples get stuck on are the ones that get them emotionally fired up—we resolve the other stuff with a rational discussion and move on.

It’s the sensitive, scary, provocative topics that are the hardest to work our way through. To do so, it’s more important to focus on managing our emotions than it is to communicate clearly. Good emotion regulation can handle a bit of sloppy communication.

First, Listen Calmly

We are much more reactive to what our loved ones say than strangers because our loved ones’ words and actions have much more of a direct effect on our lives and their opinions carry more weight. We may pick up a tone (or just assume there was one) when our loved ones say something to us. If we then respond with a bit of tone, they are equally likely to pick up on it and send it back, plus interest. And away we go into another fired up and probably unproductive argument.

As easy as it is to go down that path of least resistance, there are a number of points of intervention where we can avert disaster if we can do the harder work of managing our emotions and responding wisely instead. This involves holding back that immediate emotional response, especially if our partner didn’t hold back on their tone.

It’s incredibly easy to fire back in kind and thereby up the ante. It’s much harder to hold our tongue and take a few deep breaths instead. Sometimes a few moments of silence are all it takes for our partner’s wiser mind to kick back in and then apologize for their initial response and replace it with something better. Don’t rely on these moments, but enjoy them when they happen.

Related: 6 Communication Strategies Of Happy Couples in Relationships

Sometimes what our partner says isn’t overly problematic, but one could interpret it to be a dig or a slight or just kind of jerky. Alternatively, we could give them the benefit of the doubt and take it as more neutral.

There is very much a momentum effect here—when couples are struggling, they tend to round things down, including a bunch of comments or actions that could go either way, which then leads to a negative interaction which then “proves” the assumed negative intent.

But when couples are doing well, they tend to round things up which keeps things on a good track. So put in that effort to give your partner the benefit of the doubt if it could go either way. You will both benefit from it. And fear not, your good efforts will be rewarded when your partner gives you some benefit of the doubt on the next one.

Sometimes what our partner says isn’t ambiguous at all—they’re being a jerk. Maybe they’re feeling triggered, maybe they had a bad day, or maybe they’re just being lazy and unfiltered and letting it rip. It takes real self-restraint to not fight fire with fire, especially when our partner is really being an ass.

We need solid emotional jiu-jitsu skills to let that stuff go by without ruffling our feathers. Sometimes the conversation needs to shift from the topic at hand to how something was just said. “What’s going on with that anger?” or “I really need you to not talk to me that way.”

Sometimes our partner is saying something that makes us really uncomfortable and we feel triggered. Maybe what they’re saying is true but it’s hard to deal with. Maybe what they’re saying is dead wrong, and it feels insulting.

It can be tempting to either fire back in an effort to defend ourselves, or to change the topic, or to bail out of the conversation. Or maybe we fall to pieces which may prompt our partner to take it back, so we don’t have to have that difficult conversation (except we both remember that it was said).

It can be really hard to face these painful truths or at least truths as our partner sees them. Actually, these might be the most difficult conversations. The challenge is to calm ourselves down and stay present in the conversation, so that we can really talk about what is going on, beyond the surface.

Related: 12 Important Life Hacks To Improve Communication In Your Relationships

Then Speak Calmly

It can be tempting to use a forceful tone, or anger, or guilt, to really drive home a point. We may tell ourselves that there is no way that our partner won’t be convinced. Except often they aren’t. The problem with adding too much emotional heat to what we say is that it tends to trigger the person on the receiving end and they mostly respond to the emotion and not what is being said.

So whatever we think we’re communicating is getting drowned out by the delivery. These are the times when it is much more effective (and powerful) to say something calmly and directly. Say what’s bothering you, acknowledge your partner’s perspective, own up to your contribution, and then ask for what you need.

Sometimes when we’re upset, we focus on the parts we’re unhappy with but aren’t clear enough about what we would prefer instead. No wonder then that our partner doesn’t know what to do better next time or doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal anyway. Don’t make them guess but also don’t let them fool themselves into believing it’s no big deal if it is.

Even if your partner starts off with a bunch of attitudes, remember that you’re making a choice to respond in a better way because you will get more of what you want. Don’t tell yourself that this is about respect and they can’t talk to you that way and therefore you need to fire back at them.

Real respect is about someone being the bigger person and getting the conversation back on track to a productive resolution. If it needs to be you this time, then so be it.

Related: The Lie Hollywood Tells You About Communication In Relationships

Lengthen Your Fuse

Good emotional self-control begins with good self-care. This is all that New Year’s resolution stuff—get more sleep, eat better, exercise regularly, and manage your stress. I know, I know, it’s way easier said than done. But you will behave better in those heated moments if you have a stronger foundation. This will make it easier to communicate clearly what you really want, in a way that your partner can work with.


Written By Ari Tuckman
Originally Appeared In Psychology Today

Good communication is vital in making your relationship a success, and it is almost impossible to sustain a relationship without this. As long as you and your partner have a good grip on your emotions, and know how to navigate them, you will be in a good and healthy place.

If you want to know more about good communication, then check this video out below:

Good Communication Is Good Emotion Regulation in Disguise pin

— Share —

— About the Author —



Up Next

What is a Trophy Husband In Today’s Relationship Dynamics?

Signs of a Trophy Husband: Exploring Modern Masculinity

Most of us are aware of the term “trophy wife”. But have you heard about a “trophy husband”? It is a somewhat new term that is a gender-swapped version of the more popular concept of “trophy wife”. 

In today’s evolving society, where gender roles are constantly being redefined, there’s a rising trend of trophy husbands. These men are not only eye-catching companions but also possess qualities that make them desirable partners. 

Today, let us explore this fascinating concept and understand what is a trophy husband,  the signs to look for, why being a trophy husband is exhausting, and the potential issues that can arise in relationships with them.

What is a Trophy Husband?



Up Next

Feeling Like Roommates In A Marriage? 7 Signs Of Roommate Syndrome And What You Can Do To Change That

Feeling Like Roommates In A Marriage? Signs Spark Is Gone

Are you feeling like roommates in a marriage? You know, that sinking feeling when you realize the spark has fizzled, and your relationship has become more about paying bills and coordinating schedules than love and connection.

The thing is, roommate syndrome is more common than you think, and many couples face this, after being together for a long time. When you are in the roommate phase of a relationship, you might ask yourself why and when the romance disappeared or if you’re both just pretending to be happy.

But that might not be the case. In this article, we are going to look at what is roommate syndrome, the signs of roommate syndrome, and how to deal with roommate syndrome, so that you stop feeling like roommates in a marriage.

So, let’s get started, shall we?



Up Next

8 Ways To Upgrade Your Relationship

Ways To Upgrade Your Relationship

Do you feel like your relationship has lost that spark from before? If you answered yes, then you should know that many couples go through this, which is why it’s important to know how to improve your relationship. This article is going to talk about how to strengthen your relationship and upgrade your relationship.

It seems like it should be natural to treat our partners with love, consideration, and respect. Yet, for many people in long-term relationships, the warmth and kindness that were present in the early days of dating can fade over time.

Most people treat their partners with the utmost respect and kindness in the courting stage. The relationship probably wouldn’t have progressed if they hadn’t. Why do so many people present the best version of themselves early on, and over time, treat their beloved partners with disrespect, di



Up Next

5 Ways To Rekindle The Spark In Your Relationship

Ways To Rekindle The Spark In Your Relationship

If you feel that the spark in your relationship is gone, then let me tell you something – you can rekindle the spark in your relationship again! Now the question is, how to reignite the spark in your relationship? How can you make your relationship feel like the olden days again? Let’s find out!

Remember the feelings you experienced when you first started dating your spouse or partner? Perhaps you felt excitement, attraction, and anticipation? As the relationship has progressed, has it been difficult to maintain those initial feelings?

Once life’s responsibilities, careers, kids, and the passing of time are added to the mix, that initial spark can easily diminish if we don’t keep it stoked.

Fortunately



Up Next

Is Your Relationship Fading Away? 9 Things You Can Do To Save It

Relationship Fading Away? Empowering Steps To Save It

Do you sense your relationship fading away, and the once vibrant connection you shared with each other is slowly dying? Being in a situation like this is heart-breaking to say the least. When it seems like you’re in a fading relationship, it’s common to feel confused and not know what to do next. But don’t worry, there’s still hope.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve hit a rough patch or you’ve just grown apart a bit – there are some really useful steps you can take to reignite that spark, and revive a fading relationship.

Let’s look at some of the ways that can help you breathe some new life into your relationshi



Up Next

4 Shocking Reasons Why You’re Losing Attraction To Your Husband And How To Reignite The Flame

Major Reasons Why You're Losing Attraction To Your Husband

Are you questioning the intensity of your attraction towards your husband? Perhaps you’ve noticed a gradual shift in your emotional and physical connection, leaving you feeling confused and concerned. What happens when you start losing attraction to your husband?

First of all, you are not alone. Today, let us talk about the delicate topic of losing attraction to one’s husband, exploring the various dimensions of this experience with empathy and understanding.

Whether you’re seeking solace or guidance, we aim to help you gain a better understanding of the situation by shedding light on the reasons behind losing attraction, its impact on relationships, and potential pathways towards rediscovering the spark.

The



Up Next

5 Stages Of A Dying Marriage: Is It Beyond Repair?

Painful Stages Of A Dying Marriage: Is It Beyond Repair?

Sometimes, just being married doesn’t guarantee happiness. And if the marital bond is withering away, there might not be much hope left. Here are 5 stages of a dying marriage and whether or not it can be revived.

There’s a point in every couple’s life where their once vibrant connection fades into obscurity. It’s a simple fact that not all marriages will stand strong. The journey from “I do” to “what happened” is filled with hard-to-swallow truths and plenty of emotions.

Understanding these stages of a dying marriage will let you recognize the tell-tale signs early on so you can work on issues when it’s easiest (and possible), allowing space to save everything you’ve built together.