Many sensitive children do not feel seen by their parents, teachers, or family. Their sensitivities are treated more like aberrations from the norm than precious and unique abilities. Many of us are told as children, โGet a thicker skin,โ or โToughen up,โ suggesting that something is wrong with our empathic nature.
Growing up with the sense of not being โseenโ by their family can also injure an empathโs self-confidence, which can lead to becoming a people-pleaser. These sensitive souls try to win love by getting into othersโ good graces. Also, they may feel responsible for someoneโs emotional or physical state. People-pleasers give away too much of themselves and squash their own needs and emotions.
In my book โThriving as an Empathโ I discuss the liberation of feeling seen with a capital โSโ and how to build your self-confidence.
Read 3 Human Desires To Thrive: How To Make Someone Feel Seen, Loved, And Understood
This means that others accept you completely for who you are. You are not judged, blamed, or minimalized. In my psychotherapy practice, โseeingโ someone is a crucial aspect of what I offer my patients.
When you are seen–really seen–you can breathe a sigh of relief. You donโt have to change. You donโt have to do anything differently. You are authentically and unapologetically who you are, including your gifts and areas in need of growth. Itโs a marvelous feeling to be unconditionally accepted.
You can begin to shift out of the people-pleasing pattern by saying โnoโ to something small. Also, express your opinion about an issue (start with less emotionally charged ones), even if it differs from friendsโ or familiesโ. Asserting yourself will build self-confidence. You donโt have to please people all the time. You deserve to be liked and respected for being your authentic self.
Set your intention. Today, I will โseeโ myself with loving eyes. I will be with others who can โseeโ me too. I will also find the right balance between expressing my own needs and supporting others.
Written By Judith Orloff, MD
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