Dating gurus will often give you a set of dating rules to follow to get your soulmate. These rules are designed to get someone to fall in love with you. To chase you. To find you so attractive that they can’t resist you.
Those bullshit dating rules go something like this:
1. Don’t make yourself too available.
(Message: available people are not desirable. Reality: Available people are the most attractive partner. They are supportive, caring, and invest into the relationship)
2. Say you’re busy, even if you’re not.
(Message: lie, because…that’s a healthy way to start a relationship? Reality: Starting out with a lie only encourages you to hide your true feelings and lie later in the relationship.)
3. Don’t call him – wait for him to call you.
(Message: don’t express your needs, they’re not valid. Reality: Your needs come first. If you lack the self-respect to express your needs, how do you expect someone else to respect them?)
4. Don’t appear to care too much.
(Message: showing someone they matter is not a way to keep them. Make them feel insecure and they’ll stick around. Reality: You will never have amazing sex or a happy relationship unless you can be vulnerable and truly care about your partner.)
5. Act mysterious.
(Message: Uncertainty in a relationship is healthy. Reality: Studies show constant uncertainty and lack of security in the relationship leads to health issues and depression, among other problems. There is always a sense of mystery to every person, but it doesn’t mean you have to hide things to keep things sexy. That leads mistrust. Mistrust leads to misery. )
All of these messages teach us that independence is the way to preserve our dignity and gain our partner’s respect.
If you are following this advice and you are “needy,” you’re doing the exact opposite of your true self.
You’re behaving in inauthentic ways that are not true to your needs and feelings. You’re manipulating someone to fall in love with a fake person.
You put on a mask to appear strong and self-sufficient.
But these books and the advice they offer are correct. They do indeed make you more attractive.
What they neglect to tell you, because they’re unaware of the science of love, is that they will make you only attractive to a very specific kind of person; a person who is emotionally unavailable. The one that pushes you away when you need closeness.
The advice is teaching you to ignore your needs and let the other person dictate the amount of closeness in the relationship. The person you will attract will be able to have his cake and eat all of it. They get to enjoy the closeness when you are together, and then they can can ignore your needs for intimacy and togetherness the rest of the time.
By being someone you’re not, you’re allowing another person to decide the terms of your relationship.
In the long run, you’ll turn into a crash test dummy who’s getting slammed into the emotional walls your partner puts up. Only to tear open your heart. After that happens, the emotionally unavailable partner will notice the real you starting to show.
We all know we can only hide our true self for so long.
When you start to show that you want intense intimacy and desire to spend a lot of quality time together, you’re partner will turn cold. They’ll start to disengage from the relationship in any way that they can.
Taking the common dating advice to heart will only break your heart. You’ll never win because you are attracting the wrong kind of partner for you.
You’ll attract someone who:
- Sends ambiguous messages about their feelings and commitment to the relationship.
- Longs for an ideal relationship, but subtly hints that you are not that ideal person.
- Disregards your emotional needs and will disregard them, even when confronted.
- Tells you that you are “too needy,” “the sensitive one” or “overreacting.” All of these tell you that your feelings don’t matter to them. They’ll make you second-guess yourself.
You are only as troubled as the relationship you’re in.
If you don’t want to have the most toxic relationship of all, then follow the 5 secrets to finding your soulmate here.