What’s Most Important When Choosing A Life Partner

 / 

,
what's most important when choosing a life partner

When it comes to choosing the right life partner for yourself, it is important to break free from harmful tendencies, and skewed mindsets. 

The list we’re going to talk about here is the one that contains the characteristics of the partner of your dreams—the person with whom you know you’d experience long-term happiness.

The list includes all of your requirements for a perfect partner—looks, financial fitness, personality, education, health, personal and family history, religion, ethnicity, relationship history, and any other item you consider essential for a fulfilling relationship.

Not everyone has a preference for all of these factors on their list. Many are irrelevant to some people, while other individuals have concerns that we have not mentioned here.

But this post is about what isn’t on your list—certain things that you need to have on your list, in addition to the priorities you’re consciously aware of.

These are our “shadow priorities”— needs and desires that we are less consciously aware of but that represent other commitments in competition with our more conscious preferences.

Related: How To Attract The Right Relationship Partner In Your Life

It’s not that one set of preferences is correct and the other is not, but rather that they each represent compelling and competing interests and desires that need to be fulfilled in order to satisfy our different sets of needs.

We don’t need to be completely similar to our partner—in fact, we generally aren’t even attracted to people who are very similar to us. However, there does need to be complementarity, meaning that we complement each other by providing strengths and enhancements in areas where our partner may be less developed. When this is present in a relationship, there is a strong likelihood that both partners will experience what we commonly refer to as chemistry.

Unconscious concerns have more to do with aspects of our life that relate to the potential that our partner represents.

He or she may help us fulfill psychological needs and heal emotional wounds, support personal development, and, in general, be a good “fit” for our personality.

When we are intimately connected to someone with whom we share the experience of complementarity, we feel a sense of being whole and complete that is not present otherwise. This is the feeling that frequently occurs during the “infatuation” phase of a relationship.

The experience of infatuation fades over time, because we experience this feeling vicariously through the other person, and haven’t yet fully cultivated and integrated the qualities and traits our partner brings to our life. The real work of a relationship begins after we find the partner of our dreams; it has to do with our willingness to see that what they bring into our life not only thrills us but sometimes drives us to distraction.

These extremes are not a sign of instability, but are inherent in the process of coming to terms with one of the great paradoxes of relationships: They represent the hope of the fulfillment of our most cherished dreams, and the fears that inevitably underlie those hopes.

Fears like losing ourselves, being controlled by another, re-experiencing painful feelings, being exploited or taken advantage of, being left or abandoned, or other disturbing possibilities.

Choosing a life Partner
Choosing A Life Partner

We may wrongly attribute those feelings to a deficiency in our partner or in ourselves when this isn’t necessarily the case. All too often, the problem is that even if we have successfully checked off all of the things on our list, we may have left off the most important items.

It isn’t necessary—nor is it even possible—to always be consciously aware of what is in the shadows of our desire system.

It can be enough to understand that what draws us to others, and what draws others to us, includes characteristics that are important to our inner development and our healing into wholeness.

When we more fully appreciate this aspect of our relationship, it becomes easier (but not necessarily easy) to trust the process enough to become less reactive to the upsets that arise when the heat of infatuation inevitably cools, whether after a week or several years.

Accepting the inevitability of these feelings, without mistaking them for indicators that we are just not meant to be, enables us to maintain a healthy relationship and resist the temptation to jump to conclusions or make impulsive judgments and decisions based on insufficient information.

Not all relationships are meant to be, and some should be ended when it becomes evident that there’s a mismatch. Yet many potentially successful relationships are ended before they are given an adequate chance. It may be that it’s only after sharing ordeals and spending time together—time that includes doing the work of learning to appreciate rather than condemn our differences—that we recognize the hidden gifts our partner brings to us, which may have initially shown up as problems to be eliminated.

Related: 15 Things You Should Look For in a Life Partner

By all means, hold on to your list, but don’t forget that your heart has another list that may not be quite as apparent to you.

To quote Antoine de Saint-Exupéry,

“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

We’re giving away 3 e-books absolutely free of charge. The Ten Biggest Things We’ve Learned Since We Got Married, Your Guide to Great Sex, and An End to Arguing. To receive them just click here:https://app.robly.com/subscribe?a=2ec85ee30b32f83a0cf2b18b108f3a0d


Written by Linda and Charlie Bloom
Originally appeared in Psychology Today
What's Most Important When Choosing A Life Partner
What’S Most Important When Choosing A Life Partner
what's most important when choosing a life partner pin
What’s Most Important When Choosing A Life Partner

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

The Pebbling Love Language: Inspired By Penguins To Transform Relationships

What Is Pebbling Love language? Tips To Spark Love

For some people love doesn’t mean big actions and expensive presents, but rather small things matter the most to them. So here’s pebbling love language – inspired by penguins. Let’s find out if you have this language of love without even knowing it.

What Is Pebbling Love language?

To attract a partner, male Gentoo penguins offer female penguins little stones or pebbles, to help build their nests.

Although humans don’t exchange rocks as a token of love, but the idea of penguin pebbling love language operates on the same basic principle of making someo



Up Next

Can TikTok’s ‘Meeting Someone Twice Theory’ Really Lead To Love?

Meeting Someone Twice Theory: Best Examples

Has a person ever crossed your path and then reappeared at another point in your life, causing you to feel like you have some kind of unexplainable bond with them? According to the newest idea from TikTok, Meeting Someone Twice Theory – is a meaningful thought that says love often needs a second chance.

So let’s learn how the universe might be making these things happen on purpose.

What Is The Meeting Someone Twice Theory?

You meet someone in passing at a coffee shop, party or on the street. You exchange fleeting pleasantries, maybe share a laugh or a conversation, and then life goes on as usual.

But then, weeks or months or years later, you cross paths again and th



Up Next

How To Forgive A Cheater And Move Forward: A Relationship Guide

How To Forgive A Cheater And Move On: A Relationship Guide

Trying to forgive a cheater can be one of the toughest challenges in a relationship, but it’s not impossible. Here’s a guide to help you heal your heart and move forward with confidence, grace and peace.

Did you know that around forty percent of unmarried relationships and twenty-five percent of marriages have at least one instance of infidelity?

If your partner has cheated on you, you’re not alone. Betrayal can be one of the most painful experiences in a relationship.

But it’s important to remember that forgiveness is not about excusing the behavior or forgetting what happened. It’s about letting go of the hurt and anger so that you can move forward.

In this guide, you will learn practical steps for how to forgive a cheater, inc



Up Next

7 Common Trauma Beliefs Preventing You From Finding Love

Common Trauma Beliefs Preventing You From Finding Love

Are you still single, even after putting in a lot of effort to find love? The answer might lie in your trauma beliefs. Yes, you heard me right. Trauma beliefs are the deep-seated, often subconscious notions formed from past painful experiences that shape how you see yourself and relationships, in general.

Beliefs caused by trauma can act as invisible barriers, keeping you from finding and maintaining love. If you are tired of feeling stuck in the same old patterns, it’s time to dig into these 7 trauma beliefs that might be sabotaging your love life.

So, are you ready to know all the ways trauma is keeping you single? Come on, let’s find out together.

Related:



Up Next

3 Relationship Check In Questions On Love, According To A Psychologist

Relationship Check In Questions For Couples In Love

It’s common for us to push relationships down our list of priorities when we get busy. We think we’ll make up for lost time later, assuming everything will be fine. But what if everything isn’t fine? Below are 3 crucial relationship check in questions for couples to make life simpler!

According to a recent publication of Current Issues in Personality Psychology, discussions were shown to be an effective strategy for solving disagreements and improving the quality of relationships.

So, a monthly relationship relationship check in questions can help keep your love boat afloat. Once a month, you and your partner can sit across from each other and talk. It isn’t about pointing fingers or finding fault; it’s about feeding the connection



Up Next

8 Clear Signs Someone Cares About You (Even If They Don’t Always Express It)

Unmistakable Signs Someone Cares About You

Are you confused about whether they genuinely care about you? Well, this article will take you through 8 unmistakable signs someone cares about you deeply, even though they do not always express it.

There is an ancient saying that actions speak louder than words. An expression like that tends to stick around for a reason, and this one does make a lot of sense. In our increasingly chaotic and noisy world, it’s easy to forget that some people struggle to verbalize their feelings. But remember, still waters run deep.

Just because someone struggles to express their feelings in words doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. Actually, the real clues are buried within their actions. Look out for these telltale signs to know if someone cares about you genuinely:



Up Next

Codependence and Interdependence: What Truly Sets Them Apart?

Codependence and Interdependence: What Truly Sets Them Apart?

The question ‘What is the difference between codependence and interdependence?’ In reality, it asks whether a relationship is dysfunctional or healthy. Well, in today’s Best Day Blog, I will be taking you through the differences between the two and how to recover from codependency.

Dysfunctional Relationships

I talk a lot about what dysfunctional relationships can look like, but how do you develop a healthy relationship, and what does a healthy one look like?

Unfortunately, the idea of relationships we all grow up with from movies and TV is unhealthy. The relationships shown are romanticized