Are you struggling with a miserable second marriage?
In case you are, it’s imperative that you try to understand which factors are causing the problems.
What To Do If You’re Struggling With A Miserable Second Marriage
The New York Times reported that 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. Given a statistic like that, it makes sense that if you’re miserable in your second marriage that you might be wondering if it’s time to call a divorce attorney.
“In marriage it is never about not falling, it is always about getting back up.” – Dr Emerson Eggerichs
But before you pick up the phone, take a deep breath and consider exactly what it means to be struggling in your second marriage.
There is a multitude of reasons why second marriages fail and just as many for why others make it. To get to the bottom of what’s making yours so unhappy, let’s look at two categories of problems you might be having. The first is common to every marriage and the second is common to second (third, fourth…) marriages.
The most common struggles all married couples need to come to grips with include:
1. Ideals vs reality
Happily ever after doesn’t just happen. It takes work – lots of work – every single day of your life together.
Since life isn’t a cakewalk, marriages and spouses have good days, meh days and bad days. If your second marriage is going to work, you both need to recommit on a daily basis to make things work.
2. Intimacy and sex
Most believe that couples in second marriages have great sex. And, in the beginning, it’s typically true for newlyweds. But when the honeymoon phase ends many couples in miserable second marriages cite intimacy and sex to be one of their biggest problems – just like couples in first marriages do.
Every couple who wants to experience great sex needs to make sure they have connection and intimacy outside of the bedroom (or kitchen or shower or wherever they typically make love) too.
“Don’t let doubt convince you that your marriage is not worth fighting for.” – Jennifer Smith
Another of the major struggles common to marriage is dealing with money. Money represents power. It can also represent freedom or struggle or personal value or something else. When spouses have differing beliefs about money, difficulties ensue.
Everyone who’s contemplated marriage has an idea of what being a spouse means. And yet the likelihood that two people who decide to marry will have identical ideas of what it means to be a husband or wife is quite small.
When there’s a mismatch in expectations and/or values between mates, trouble will follow.
5. Communication styles
One of the most common challenges heterosexual couples face is a mismatch in communication styles. That’s because we each assume that our spouse will communicate and think just like we do. And there’s quite a big difference between in ways men and women typically communicate.
However, it’s understandable that you would think this. After all, when you fell in love, you could complete each other’s sentences and seemed to always know what the other was thinking.
However, when the honeymoon phase ends, most spouses are shocked to learn that the person they married no longer communicates as they used to. They may not communicate at all. Or, they may over-communicate.
When spouses have a difference in communication styles, there’s a great possibility of profound unhappiness because at least one doesn’t feel understood.
“A marriage is like a house. When a light bulb goes out, you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the light bulb.” – Happy Wives Club
6. Love language
In his book The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman did a great job of bringing people’s attention to the fact that we each experience and naturally show love differently. What is loving to one person may not mean a whole lot to another.
Most spouses believe they are showing their mate love when they do what they consider to be loving things. However, their spouse may not agree. A mismatch in love languages can cause one or both to feel unloved.