Conversations That Help Connect and Build More Intimacy In Your Relationship

Here’s how good conversations in relationships can help improve closeness and share growth with your partner.

“One good conversation can shift the direction of change forever.” – Linda Lambert

Do you want to create a more meaningful and intimate relationship with your partner? Well, it can be really easy when you know how to communicate effectively. Deep conversations can work wonders for your relationship but knowing how to have them can be a real challenge. When you take the opportunity to talk about deep topics you can build a stronger bond with the person you love.

As relationships are a crucial aspect of our lives, asking the right questions and talking about what truly matters will help you understand your partner better and evoke a deeper engagement.

Conversations can help you connect in a way that will not only improve the quality of your relationship, but it will also help you and your partner grow in the relationship.

Here’s how to improve closeness and share growth with your partner.

I wonder how much time you spend on your cell phone and social networking. In comparison, how much time do you devote to periodic, caring conversations with your partner?

My intuition is that the difference between the two is where opportunities for deepened intimacy and mutual growth lie ─ regardless of how busy each of you is.

This article will contribute to the quality of time you choose to invest in conversations that benefit and give pleasure to you both, as well as deepen your connection.

“Good conversation is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Use and adapt any suggestions below to build on strengths and sustain the value of what you give one another. They are also antidotes to feelings of loneliness and disconnection that occasionally emerge in close relationships. That may happen when time and energy are given over consistently to chores, work demands, and “administration” that comes with daily living.

Such routines contribute to a paradox of loneliness even in intimate connections because they sap potential depth and soulfulness.

Recognized as an epidemic by recent Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, patterns of loneliness and disconnection are also supported by a 2018 Cigna study. It found that one in four people rarely or never feel as though others really understand them.

43 percent sometimes or always feel that their relationships are not meaningful. Dr. Murthy recommends a treatment: Finding real, face-to-face connections with people you love.

Here are some ways to connect better through conversation:

“Nothing compares to a beautiful conversation with a beautiful mind.” – Anonymous

1. Conversations, especially heart-to-heart ones, are good ways to start and promote that process. One key to a great conversation is making it real or genuine, in contrast to what I call tip-toe chats. They are usually polite time eaters that just avoid or talk around issues and concerns, even opportunities, related to changes in lifestyle, activities, and choices.

2. Another key to great conversations is developing ways to collaborate on something of value to you both. In other words, avoid recurring habits and routines of communication such as “How was your day?” or “What happened about…?”

3. Rather, bring up specific matters of mutual interest or concerns that have meaning and relate to your relationship in positive, productive ways.

4. Yet going deeper might involve some risk, especially if communication varies from seemingly safe, predictable routes and habits. So, start with small steps by clarifying together how you’d like to move forward. Perhaps even agree first on different venues to take you away from distractions and repetitive associations.

They could include situations that protect privacy such as:

• Taking walks in nature
• Sitting on a park bench
• Going to a new vacation location

To avoid surprises, discuss in advance first thoughts about a few topics you’d like to bring up. Ask your partner for their ideas as well. Do this not to create a script, but for a sense of what’s on one another’s mind for an open, fresh conversation. A common theme can be what each of you wants in your life together.

“Good conversation is the equivalent of shared emotion.” – Marty Rubin

A relevant, 2019 Wall Street Journal article by Jennifer Petriglieri suggests that the key to bliss for a dual-career couple is a contract.

Though that may sound a little cold, she described how she and her eventual husband entered their continuing understandings with a psychological, not legal, contract. As such, it is flexible over time and supported by regular attention. That leads to building trust as both parties stay open, straightforward, and vulnerable to one another.

The process includes naming and expressing emotions as well as discussing practical matters such as what you are willing to give and what you want, what your ambitions are.

Examples of emotions and other important, less concrete matters can be:

• What frightens you
• What excites you
• Joys you want to share
• Your hopes and dreams
• Values you cherish

To avoid too much information and encourage focus, consider one or two topics for each bullet you agree on exploring. Then, stay open to where the conversation takes you.

The more concrete and willing to explore the meanings and natural interconnections of what you want to talk about, the more likely you’ll both open doors to improved understanding and mutual appreciation. Opportunities to address complexities and make progress will continue.

Over time, you’ll likely experience shifts and transitions in life-related to work, identity, and goals. In turn, that will lead to adjusting and clarifying the processes, assumptions, and approaches with which you began. The more you consult with your partner on doing this, the better your collaboration and outcomes.

To sustain and improve the quality of conversations you want with your partner, choose one of these three options to discuss together or any others that come to mind:

1. Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone and Bruce Patton

2. Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Conversation in the Digital Age by Sherry Turkle

3. In audio, Face to Face: The Art of Human Connection by Brian Grazer on authentic interpersonal communication.

To prepare for action now, though, ask yourself first and perhaps jot down a few notes for focus:

1. What is the most important or worthwhile matter you want to discuss with your partner now?

2. How can you avoid unproductive conflict and deal with initial misunderstandings?

3. The incentives and rewards you both could agree about and enjoy to strengthen your conversations and follow up actions.

“A conversation is so much more than words: a conversation is eyes, smiles, and the silence between word.” – Annika Thor

Above all, bring gentle humor and flexibility into your communication processes. Loving-kindness with openness and vulnerability are fine criteria for sustaining great conversations. They will deepen your intimacy with your partner and promote mutual growth and benefits.

Conversations can have a magical effect on us. You never know where a conversation is going to end regardless of where it starts. It can lead to pleasant memories and surprising secrets that can help you discover new aspects of your partner and understand each other better. Having deep and meaningful conversations will enable both of you to open yourselves to each other and appreciate the honesty in your partner. You might even discover what you have in common from foods, habits and opinions to goals and dreams. Deep conversations enable you to reflect on your shared experiences and fond memories that will help you build more intimacy in your relationship.

Here’s an interesting video that you may like:

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Written By Ruth Schimel, PhD
Originally Appeared On Your Tango

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