Once you are in, it takes effort to keep the passion alive. But if you are dedicated to the relationship, you sure can try to discover if you are hampering your it or not.
Passion and sexuality are synonymous experiences for new lovers.
The intensity and sensitivity of their physical attraction to one another are major players in the early stages of their relationship.
What many do not realize is that the sparkle of passion lights up more than just sexual connection. “Attached-at-the-hip” new lovers are eager to capture every salient moment together, enthralled by every aspect of each other’s lives.
There is no way to separate this all-reaching passion from their experience of continuous discovery. Tastes, smells, reflections, visuals, histories, opinions, social networks, spirituality, family ties, interests, and emotional and physical reactions are all unknown and delicious to pursue.
Because of the enormous energy that new relationships ask of people, this passionate stage cannot last forever.
Though some of these partnerships dissipate sooner, most experience either the beginning of the end or a transformation to deeper love within about six months.
If the relationship does end within that period of time, most people go on to the next hopeful possibility after they’ve processed the loss. In today’s dating world especially, there are more options than have ever existed before for experiencing different kind of unions.
Many relationship seekers find themselves alternating between longer-but-limited-in-time exclusive relationships and the more passionate intensity of short-term flings.
Yet, most people still ardently search for “the one.” In the four decades I’ve been working with individuals and couples, I have heard so many asking me what they could have, might have, done to make a relationship work.
How could we have avoided the twin disillusionment of apathy and boredom if we couldn’t see them happening?
How can we see what’s ahead so that we can change our behaviors before they cause irreversible damage?
Are there practices we can learn while we are still in the passionate stage of our relationship that might give us better odds later?
There are actually workable answers to those questions. New lovers can know early on if they are doing anything that could sabotage their chances for a long-term relationship. They can recognize the warning signs of potential demise and learn how to behave differently before they take hold.
Following are the six most important warning signs of potentially relationship-damaging behaviors and what new lovers can do to heal them.
If they are aware and willing to act, they can greatly increase the possibility of successful outcomes.
1. Bids for Connection
When couples are first in love, they are attuned to one another’s needs and desires, often before they even emerge. It is as if they have an antenna tuned to the thoughts and feelings of the other.
Whenever either partner is distressed, desiring, or in conflict, he or she is the top priority for the other and responded to as quickly as possible.
After they are apart, their immediate agenda is to reconnect, in whatever way each partner needs to feel validated and reassured. When they are out of touch, both partners know that the other is available whenever called upon.
Emotional bells should be going off if those bids for connection go unheeded and, when challenged, are met with excuses, justifications, or defenses.
The Healing Response:
As relationships head into the third or fourth month, it is natural that some of the urgency and immediate responsivity to each other’s reaching out will somewhat lessen. Because new lovers are loath to complain to one another about any distress, they might not be fully honest when they should be.
A lack of interest can be just temporary, but it could also be something that should be heeded. One partner, for example, might be preoccupied with an unexpected requirement. Or perhaps he or she feels the need to attend to something that’s been neglected because of the intensity of the relationship’s demands.
It is crucial that the partners talk openly to each other at the first sign the bids for connection are put off or ignored altogether. Otherwise, it too often can lead to misunderstandings and insecurities. Even if the reasons for lessened availability are a concern, that authentic, early sharing is often all that is needed to put things back in place.