When Your Child Loses It In Public: 5 Steps To Staying Calm

Written By:

Written By:

your child loses it in public 1

Childhood breakdowns are a normal part of growing up. How to handle your child instead of feeling embarrassed? Hereโ€™s a five-step guide for you.




Key Points:

  • Childhoodย breakdowns are a normal part of growing up; parents should not feel embarrassed.
  • Remain calm and stay focused on your child, ignoring any onlookers.
  • Validate your childโ€™s feelings and offer choices whenever possible.

Jacob, almost 3 years old, has thrown himself on the floor of the grocery store screaming that he must have one more chocolate, just one more!



Sound familiar? If so, you are not alone. Most parents of young children live in terror of their little one losing it in public. Itโ€™s hard to avoid feeling judged and ashamed of out-of-control behavior as if it is evidence of your total incompetence as a parentโ€”surely a result of your indulgence which has inevitably created a spoiled child. This naturally puts most parents in an emotionally charged place, feeling embarrassed and often angry at their child for putting them in this deeply uncomfortable and stressful situation.

Children Who Grow Up in Stressful Environments

Here are five steps to responding in these mortifying moments that can help you stay calm and carry on in a way that is loving to you and your child:

1. Donโ€™t Let The Onlookers Get To You.

Ideally, just tune them out. Most are likely feeling your pain, having been there themselves, and arenโ€™t judging. And, for those voyeurs feeling some guilty pleasure that itโ€™s not them in the hot seat, or who think they know better, ignoring is still a good strategy so you can stay focused on coming up with a productive response to helping your child cope.




Read Raising Well-Behaved Kids: Mistaken vs. Smart Discipline

2. Kill Them With Kindness.

If a bystander makes some really helpful comment (sarcastic font), avoid being reactive. You have nothing to be defensive about. Instead, try: โ€œIt is so nice that you want to help. I really appreciate it. But Iโ€™m all good. Learning that he canโ€™t get everything he wants is a hard lesson for a little guy, right?โ€

This is a nice way to send some important messages: โ€œI am in control, and I am being a really good parent by setting appropriate limits and helping my child learn to cope with lifeโ€™s disappointments.โ€ This can be a particularly good strategy when it is your mother, or mother-in-law, or another close friend or family member who is trying to help.

Read The Impact Of ADHD On A Childโ€™s Schooling

3. Stay Calm.

If you are anxious and upset, your child is more likely to be anxious and upset. If you are calm and composed, she is likely to pull herself together more quickly. So while your emotional reaction is completely understandable, it is not strategic to respond in a revved-up, harsh way. Remind yourself that your child isnโ€™t losing it on purpose.

Stay calm - it is the ultimate weapon against your challenges.

When she is falling apart, she needs you to be her rock. Itโ€™s best to take a few deep breaths and remind yourself that if you decompensate, too, it will likely make the situation more stressful and challenging. (And, for those of you who canโ€™t let go of what others are thinkingโ€”you donโ€™t want to give any judgy onlookers ammunition.)




Read 13 Positive Phrases To Calm Your Child

4. Validate Your Childโ€™s Feelings.

โ€œI know you donโ€™t like that I am not giving you any more chocolate. I totally understand your disappointment.โ€ Validating feelings is not the same as validating behavior. Feelings arenโ€™t the problem; itโ€™s what kids do with their feelings that can be problematic. (Also true for parents.)

Thatโ€™s why one of your most important jobs is to help your child learn to manage these strong, difficult emotions in acceptable ways. But that takes time and practice. And, it starts with validationโ€”the first step in helping children identify and then manage their feelings.

5. Provide Choices, When Possible, That You Can Implement.

For example, in the case above, it might mean offering your child a choice of another acceptable food that he can have. Even when offering the alternative, your child may flat-out reject it and intensify the tantrum to show you just how lame he thinks this other option is. In that case, calmly say, โ€œYou are so upset about not getting what you want that youโ€™re losing control. It is my job to keep you safe; so, your choices are to walk holding my hand or I can be a helper and put you in the cart to help you get back in control.โ€

Read 12 Ways to Empower Your Child Against Bullying

If he canโ€™t pull himself together, place him in the cart (or stroller, or car seatโ€”depending on the situation youโ€™re in) with as much calm as you can muster. Ignore all his efforts to get you to react. A helpful tactic can be to start talking about anything else but the incident at hand, as that is only likely to inflame your child further.

For example, if you are in the grocery store, you might talk about what you see in the different aisles and ask if he wants to point to familiar itemsโ€”playing โ€œI Spy.โ€ This lets your child know you are going to ignore his outburst, but you are not ignoring him; and, that you can handle his upset and will be a โ€œsafe baseโ€ for him.




Most importantly, try not to allow your worry about bystandersโ€™ opinions and judgments to drive your behavior in these situations. Many parents report that they end up giving in to their child to avoid the embarrassment and to take everyone out of their misery, even though they donโ€™t think thatโ€™s best for their child. But you have nothing to be embarrassed about; and when you give in, your child is cleverly putting two and two together: โ€œMommy or Daddy will pretty much give me anything to get me to quiet down when weโ€™re outside the house!โ€

Children having breakdowns when they donโ€™t get their way is a normal part of growing up. When you respond calmly and with empathy, and set clear limits that you can enforce, you send both your child and the onlookers the message that youโ€™re all goodโ€”calm and in control.


Written by: Claire Lerner
Pre-order her book coming out 9/2021: Why is My Child in Charge?
Originally appeared on: Psychology Today
Republished with permission.
your child loses it in public pin


— Share —

Published On:

Last updated on:

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

Should Parents Set Consequences for Misbehavior or Not?

Should Parents Set Consequences For Misbehavior? Key Points

You want your child to grow up responsible and disciplined, but should you set consequences for misbehavior? Let’s learn the right balance between discipline and understanding.

Should we set consequences for our children when they don’t do what we want?

Key points

Research shows that physical punishment predicts negative outcomes in children.

Authoritative parenting has been found to be the most effective style that yields the happiest children.

Parents need to be able to tolerate their children being upset, disappointed, sad, or even angry with them.

Up Next

Does Gentle Parenting Work?

Does Gentle Parenting Style Work? Important Things To Know

Can setting firm boundaries with kindness raise well-behaved kids, or does it lead to entitlement and defiance? Let’s learn more about gentle parenting style!

A look at the data on gentle parenting.

Key points

The concept of Gentle Parenting is not based on scientific data.

Gentle Parenting does incorporate some very good parenting techniques.

Gentle Parenting may ask too much of parents.

What Is Gentle Parenting Style?

Up Next

Let Kids Be Kids? 6 Identifying Signs of Hurried Child Syndrome

Clear Hurried Child Syndrome Symptoms

Some of us felt the pressure to grow up too fastโ€ฆ meet deadlines, succeed academically, and always be on top of thingsโ€”before we were even ready. It turns out, this pressure is real for some children today, and itโ€™s called Hurried Child Syndrome. Letโ€™s explore more about this condition.

What Is Hurried Child Syndrome?

Wondering what is Hurried Child Syndrome? It re

Up Next

Hovering Too Hard? 7 Mistakes Parents Who Overparent Often Make

Mistakes Parents Who Overparent Make: Hovering Too Hard?

Itโ€™s easy for parents who overparent to fall into the trap of doing too much in the name of love and care. But sometimes, all that hovering and controlling can backfire in surprising ways. Letโ€™s break down the seven common mistakes and how to avoid them!

KEY POINTS

Overprotective parenting can have a negative impact on childrenโ€™s mental health and relationships.

If you recognize any of these signs in yourself, itโ€™s important to take steps to change your behavior.

Encourage your child to try new things, let them make mistakes, take risks, and solve problems on their own.

Up Next

Is Your Daughter in a Controlling Relationship? 9 Ways to Help Her Break Free

Daughter in a Controlling Relationship? Things You Can Do

Have you ever had a very strong gut feeling that your daughter might not be in a healthy relationship? Or that she is in a relationship with a controlling boyfriend? Today we are going to talk about what you can do, when you have a daughter in a controlling relationship.

Yeah, itโ€™s a tough pill to swallow. Bossy boyfriends sneakily isolate, manipulate and dim the light in the people they date. And if your daughter is dating someone like this, then it’s understandable how tough it can be to watch that.

However, there’s always light at the end of the tunnel – as her mother, you can help her break free from her controlling boyfriend. This isnโ€™t about swooping in like a superhero; itโ€™s about being smart, supportive, and steady.

First, let’s start with trying to understand who a controlling boyfriend

Up Next

8 Undeniable Signs She’s Destined to Be an A+ Mom

Qualities of a Good Mother That Guarantee A+ Parenting!

Moms are superheroes, plain and simple. But being a great mom isnโ€™t just about keeping the fridge stocked and making sure homework gets done. Itโ€™s about making your kids feel loved, valued, and truly understood. Moms are often the first and biggest influence in a childโ€™s life, shaping how they see themselves and the world.

Being a good mom is about way more than just keeping a kid alive (though, yes, thatโ€™s non-negotiable). Itโ€™s about showing up with love, wisdom, and that unshakable belief in her kidโ€™s potential. Moms help mold who we are and how we see the world.

Up Next

Divorce And Holidays: 5 Co-Parenting Tips To Help Kids Enjoy Christmas

Helpful Divorce And Holidays Coping Tips For Parents

The festive season is often described as the most wonderful time of the year. However, divorce and holidays can be tricky to navigate for some families, itโ€™s not only challenging for kids but also for their parents.

Children deserve to be in happy and healthy homes, a safe space to enjoy and make memories rather than facing bickering fights and drama.

If youโ€™re co parenting on Christmas, create a holiday season thatโ€™s joyful and comforting for your children. Below are five practical divorce and holidays coping tips to help your kids enjoy the festivities, even after a separation or divorce.