How To Be A Better Listener: 7 Ways To Listen

Being a good listener is one of the best qualities to have, but sometimes itโ€™s easier said than done. If you want to be a better listener, then know that there are ways to listen better.




Most of us are creatures of habit, listening to meet our needs or to pay attention to demonstrate we care whether we do or not. The next time you leave a conversation, ask yourself, โ€œDid I get the outcome I desired?โ€. Itโ€™s possible you could have achieved more.

Before you meet or call someone, stop and ask yourself:



1. Why am I listening?

2. What do I want to happen?

3. What shift do I need to make to achieve the best outcome?




To make an informed choice, consider the following reasons for listening and the outcomes you might get depending on your mindset and emotions.

Related: The 5 Levels of Listening

Listening For Personal Need

Often the intention behind listening is to fulfill a personal need or to follow the rules you have been taught to show you care. When listening for information or perspective, you keep your distance. You stay in your head, maintaining isolation even when you say you want collaboration. The person feels little connection with you when you part.

You listen with the purposeโ€ฆ

1.ย To collect data.ย 

You listen for how to argue, defend, compare or refine your own point of view.

2.ย To give an answer or solve a problem.ย 

Once you have an answer, there is no further need to pay attention.




3.ย To obey the rules.ย 

You listen because it is the right thing to do, generally for the minimal amount of time you think it takes to demonstrate the competency. You listen because you should, not because you want to.

Listening To Connect

When you choose to be present and connect with someone, you listen beyond your analytical brain. You are fully awake in your heart and gut as well as in your open mind. The person feels heard, valued, and possibly transformed as a result.[1]

You listen with the purposeโ€ฆ

4.ย To connect with the person.ย 

When you desire to establish a connection, you go beyond paying attention to words. Connection starts with maintaining curiosity throughout the conversation, resisting the urge to know what is coming next while being at ease with not knowing. Feeling curious keeps you present.

Once you lose curiosity, you risk the conversation devolving into dueling monologues. Unfortunately, the better you know someone, the more likely you quit being curious enough to seek what could be new. Can you seek something special each time you say, โ€œHi, how are you?โ€

ways to listen

5.ย To let the person know you value them.ย 

There is no greater gift you can give than to be fully present with someone so he or she feels heard, understood, and valued. When you quiet your mind with curiosity and open your heart with gratitude, the person feels received wholly beyond words. 

Empathy happens when you value the essence of the person you are with. Be careful when your judgment sneaks in. You can feel passionately about your ideas without making others wrong. Value why the person sees the world differently from you. If you care enough to look deeply, you might feel valued in return.




Related: 3 Keys To Developing Empathy: How To Be The Best Listener Ever

6.ย To build the relationship.ย 

The next step is to open your gut as well as your heart so you can be vulnerable enough to allow a deep connection to happen. Philip Shepherd said in New Self, New World, โ€œUltimately, to be present in the world means making room for the world to be present in you.โ€[2]

Donโ€™t listen for something; listen for the purpose of being with the person. Have you ever felt this connection after a wonderful moment with a dear friend? When you trust enough to open yourself to someone else, the magic of a relationship emerges.

7.ย To explore, learn, and grow together.ย 

As you increasingly ground yourself in being, the conversation can take you somewhere new and unexpected. Donโ€™t anticipate or try to control it, just marvel where it goes. You share your ideas and then allow instead of resisting change when you hear theirs, adding to what you know instead of giving up.

You might lose your sense of time and space the more you engage. You may have had a conversation like this after experiencing a loss. You can consciously create this connection without trauma by accessing your love and courage.




Related: 44 Empathy Statements That Will Make You The Greatest Listener

Connecting with others this way is the same connection you sense when you view an awesome sunset, gaze across a beautiful canyon, or watch a burning star fall and disappear into the black of night. Letting go of what you know to grow shows strength; it is an active, not passive act. This is how we build community.

Alan Alda said, โ€œReal listening is a willingness to let the other person change you.โ€[3]

What is your purpose for listening? Can you confidently open yourself to listen for a greater purpose? You will receive so much more than you expected when you do.

Read more about listening deeply in The Discomfort Zone: How Leaders Turn Difficult Conversations into Breakthroughs.

_____________



[1] Shari M. Geller and Stephen W. Porges, โ€œTherapeutic Presence: Neurophysiological Mechanisms Mediating Feeling Safe in Therapeutic Relationshipsโ€ย Journal ofย Psychotherapyย Integration, 2014, Vol. 24, No. 3, 178โ€“192.
[2] Philip Shepherd.ย New Self, New World: Recovering Our Senses in the Twenty-first Century. Berkeley: North Atlantic Books, 2010, p. 85.
[3] Alan Alda,ย Never Have Your Dog Stuffed: And Other Things I've Learned. New York: Random House, 2005, p. 160.

Written By Marcia Reynolds 
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today 
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Last updated on:

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You can have every material success in the world and still not be happy. Happiness comes from within and without.

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It often starts early in life. Maybe you were praised for being โ€œthe helper.โ€ Maybe you learned that expressing your own needs caused conflict, or that your role was to keep others happy. Over time, this belief becomes automatic. You give too much, too often, until you’re left feeling invisible and exhausted. You’re a people-pleaser now.

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How To Be A Better Listener: 7 Ways To Listen

Being a good listener is one of the best qualities to have, but sometimes itโ€™s easier said than done. If you want to be a better listener, then know that there are ways to listen better.




Most of us are creatures of habit, listening to meet our needs or to pay attention to demonstrate we care whether we do or not. The next time you leave a conversation, ask yourself, โ€œDid I get the outcome I desired?โ€. Itโ€™s possible you could have achieved more.

Before you meet or call someone, stop and ask yourself:



1. Why am I listening?

2. What do I want to happen?

3. What shift do I need to make to achieve the best outcome?




To make an informed choice, consider the following reasons for listening and the outcomes you might get depending on your mindset and emotions.

Related: The 5 Levels of Listening

Listening For Personal Need

Often the intention behind listening is to fulfill a personal need or to follow the rules you have been taught to show you care. When listening for information or perspective, you keep your distance. You stay in your head, maintaining isolation even when you say you want collaboration. The person feels little connection with you when you part.

You listen with the purposeโ€ฆ

1.ย To collect data.ย 

You listen for how to argue, defend, compare or refine your own point of view.

2.ย To give an answer or solve a problem.ย 

Once you have an answer, there is no further need to pay attention.




3.ย To obey the rules.ย 

You listen because it is the right thing to do, generally for the minimal amount of time you think it takes to demonstrate the competency. You listen because you should, not because you want to.

Listening To Connect

When you choose to be present and connect with someone, you listen beyond your analytical brain. You are fully awake in your heart and gut as well as in your open mind. The person feels heard, valued, and possibly transformed as a result.[1]

You listen with the purposeโ€ฆ

4.ย To connect with the person.ย 

When you desire to establish a connection, you go beyond paying attention to words. Connection starts with maintaining curiosity throughout the conversation, resisting the urge to know what is coming next while being at ease with not knowing. Feeling curious keeps you present.

Once you lose curiosity, you risk the conversation devolving into dueling monologues. Unfortunately, the better you know someone, the more likely you quit being curious enough to seek what could be new. Can you seek something special each time you say, โ€œHi, how are you?โ€

ways to listen

5.ย To let the person know you value them.ย 

There is no greater gift you can give than to be fully present with someone so he or she feels heard, understood, and valued. When you quiet your mind with curiosity and open your heart with gratitude, the person feels received wholly beyond words. 

Empathy happens when you value the essence of the person you are with. Be careful when your judgment sneaks in. You can feel passionately about your ideas without making others wrong. Value why the person sees the world differently from you. If you care enough to look deeply, you might feel valued in return.




Related: 3 Keys To Developing Empathy: How To Be The Best Listener Ever

6.ย To build the relationship.ย 

The next step is to open your gut as well as your heart so you can be vulnerable enough to allow a deep connection to happen. Philip Shepherd said in New Self, New World, โ€œUltimately, to be present in the world means making room for the world to be present in you.โ€[2]

Donโ€™t listen for something; listen for the purpose of being with the person. Have you ever felt this connection after a wonderful moment with a dear friend? When you trust enough to open yourself to someone else, the magic of a relationship emerges.

7.ย To explore, learn, and grow together.ย 

As you increasingly ground yourself in being, the conversation can take you somewhere new and unexpected. Donโ€™t anticipate or try to control it, just marvel where it goes. You share your ideas and then allow instead of resisting change when you hear theirs, adding to what you know instead of giving up.

You might lose your sense of time and space the more you engage. You may have had a conversation like this after experiencing a loss. You can consciously create this connection without trauma by accessing your love and courage.




Related: 44 Empathy Statements That Will Make You The Greatest Listener

Connecting with others this way is the same connection you sense when you view an awesome sunset, gaze across a beautiful canyon, or watch a burning star fall and disappear into the black of night. Letting go of what you know to grow shows strength; it is an active, not passive act. This is how we build community.

Alan Alda said, โ€œReal listening is a willingness to let the other person change you.โ€[3]

What is your purpose for listening? Can you confidently open yourself to listen for a greater purpose? You will receive so much more than you expected when you do.

Read more about listening deeply in The Discomfort Zone: How Leaders Turn Difficult Conversations into Breakthroughs.

_____________



[1] Shari M. Geller and Stephen W. Porges, โ€œTherapeutic Presence: Neurophysiological Mechanisms Mediating Feeling Safe in Therapeutic Relationshipsโ€ย Journal ofย Psychotherapyย Integration, 2014, Vol. 24, No. 3, 178โ€“192.
[2] Philip Shepherd.ย New Self, New World: Recovering Our Senses in the Twenty-first Century. Berkeley: North Atlantic Books, 2010, p. 85.
[3] Alan Alda,ย Never Have Your Dog Stuffed: And Other Things I've Learned. New York: Random House, 2005, p. 160.

Written By Marcia Reynolds 
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today 
ways to listen pinex
ways to listen pin


Published On:

Last updated on:

,

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

Moving From Stranger To Friend: 3 Tips

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Turning a stranger to friend doesnโ€™t have to be overwhelming. Even introverts can build meaningful connections with a few simple strategies. Here’s how to meet new friends.

You don’t have to be an extravert to connect with strangers.

Key points

Even if you are an introvert, research suggests some painless ways to meet new friends.

People like others who are like them, so look for important values you share with others.

It helps to make yourself useful.

Not all locations are equal when it comes to meeting other people like you.

Up Next

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What is guilt, really? Is it a moral compass, a learned response, or something deeper rooted in identity and accountability? Letโ€™s explore with David Prucha.

How guilt can protect us from a feeling we like even less.

Key points

Guilt can feel like hope, it offers the illusion that change is still possible.

Powerlessness isnโ€™t failure; itโ€™s a boundary that protects our energy.

Letting go of guilt allows rest, which prepares us for when action truly matters.

Up Next

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Your night time habits play a huge role in how well you sleep, how rested you feel, and how emotionally balanced you are the next day. In fact, studies have shown that simple changes to your sleep routine can boost your mood, improve focus, and even reduce stress levels when you wake up.

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Success and power have many facets.

You can have every material success in the world and still not be happy. Happiness comes from within and without.

As a psychiatrist and empath, I respect that each person has different values and needs. Because of this, I know never to judge a personโ€™s happiness simply by how they appear to the world.

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Do you give up things for your partner? Feel responsible for your parentsโ€™ happiness? Does saying no make you feel guilty? If so, you might be caught in a cycle of chronic self sacrifice. Want to know more? Read on below.

This isn’t always noble and the right thing to do. It is related to a pattern known as the self sacrifice schema, which involves a deeply rooted belief that other peopleโ€™s needs always come before your own.

It often starts early in life. Maybe you were praised for being โ€œthe helper.โ€ Maybe you learned that expressing your own needs caused conflict, or that your role was to keep others happy. Over time, this belief becomes automatic. You give too much, too often, until you’re left feeling invisible and exhausted. You’re a people-pleaser now.

But by just b

Up Next

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Toxic positivity isn’t just annoyingโ€”it’s exhausting. When you’re constantly forcing a smile, ignoring real emotions, or brushing off pain with โ€œgood vibes only,โ€ you’re deep in the signs of toxic positivity.

It’s time we start rejecting toxic positivity and make space for honesty over forced positivity.

KEY POINTS

When positivity is forced, it can dismiss valid emotions.

Feeling sad, angry, or frustrated is part of being human.

Instead of saying โ€œLook on the bright side,โ€ ask, โ€œHow can I support you right now?โ€

Up Next

How To Cope When Dysregulated Loved Ones Drive You Crazy

How To Cope With Dysregulated Behavior? 5 Clear Ways

When loved ones are emotionally dysregulated, it can feel overwhelming. Here’s how to stay grounded, protect your peace, and support them without losing yourself.

A few metaphors to help improve interpersonal effectiveness in times of distress.

Key points

It can be very distressing when loved ones are angry, insulting, or demanding.

We can stand firm in choosing what we will and wonโ€™t do in response to their dysregulation.

Maintaining our own boundaries and sense of perspective is key.

When people we care