The #1 Way For Guys To Kill It In Relationships

 / 

way for guys to kill it in relationships

Men sometimes have a tough time understanding women’s needs, but honestly, it’s not really that confusing and complicated. There is a small secret that can indeed help guys to kill it in their relationships.

Okay men, here’s the deal. Most women only need one thing from us men to make them happy. It’s really simple. No, you don’t need to buy her expensive stuff or deal with her problems. It is something much more meaningful and deeper that will help you understand what she actually wants and build a lasting connection between you and your partner. 

The fighting man or feeling man. In my last post, I spoke about both. But I did not speak about another kind of man – the Fixer.

He shuts off feeling by trying to fix. He’s the solutions guy. He’s super logical. And yet often a woman feels empty with him, wondering, where’s his heart?

When she talks about how she’s feeling down, or she has no time, he tries to fix it.

Well, baby, let’s see if we can get you more childcare. Then you can take better care of yourself.

Many women struggle with this part of the man. What they really want is a connection.

Related: The 7 Fundamental Elements Needed In A Healthy Relationship

I wish he could just hear me. I don’t need to be fixed. I’m not one of his shop projects.

The Fixer is the subject of the “Nail in The Head” video. It’s hilarious.

A young woman has a horrible headache. She’s talking to her partner about it. She’s seeking his attention. She just wants to be heard about her pain.

He looks at her in disbelief. It’s so simple. There’s a nail in her head. At least he sees it. We see it too. It’s clearly there.

But maybe it’s not really there. Maybe we see it because the camera is showing us the man’s point of view.

Is there really a nail in her head? Anyway, she just wants to be heard – about how she has this horrible headache and only if it would go away…. But he wants to tell her about the nail.

“You’re doing it again,” she says. “I hate it when you do that. Stop trying to fix me!”

What’s a guy to do in this situation? Why can’t she see he’s trying to help?

And so guys are just like – WTF? I’m just trying to help you.

But she wants to be heard. She wants to feel like she’s not a project you can fix, but a human being you can love and hold. Her trust relies on it.

So a guy might shift to “listening.” So, he listens and listens.

He either breaks through his “fix it” tendencies and really has a breakthrough or he gets fed up after 10 minutes (he hasn’t said a word the whole time) and screams, “Jeez, babe, I can’t be your goddamn girlfriend. This is killing me.”

I’ve seen many men hit this wall. Why?

Simply, biologically the male brain is wired for action. And when a man listens idly, he experiences anxiety.

On the evolutionary scale, men have two instincts – fuck it or kill it. (Ken Wilber) And when he can’t move into action, panic sets in.

And it’s only in the last fifty years that women have demanded he does something else. Something else typical of the female evolutionary instinct – Relate to it.

This is a HUGE leap for all men-kind. Millennium upon millennium vs. 50 years. Women, get this please– we as men are going through a massive shift.

And guys, yes, our contemporary partnerships demand that we now relate and connect with her. We can’t always pull the nail out of her head. And we need help to do differently.

Below are five ways any man can “kill it” in the listening domain. To be in a relationship with more joy, less anxiety, more connection, and sex.

Here Is How Guys Can Kill It In Their Relationships

1) Number One

Stay active in your listening. After a few minutes, ask her to pause, and repeat back to her what she’s saying. “I hear that you’re upset, that you feel I’m not around much…”

This allows you to use your natural “doing” energy towards good “listening” purpose. It helps with that hopelessness we often feel as guys when we’re doing nothing but just listening. We begin to realize listening is doing, and it’s hard work.

Related: 6 Essential Qualities of the Happiest Relationships

2) Number Two

Don’t take on her stuff. As fixers and rescuers, we men tend to think her problems are because of us. Even if she says it’s because of you, remember, it’s her problem, her challenge. Not yours.

You might be part of the solution, but that can only happen by listening without reacting. And to not react, we have to be in touch with our triggers, hooks, and the little boy within.

When my ex-wife was in a spin, I found myself saying to my inner boy, “She’s freaking out. It’s ok. That’s her. That’s not us. We’re fine. We’re fine, little guy.”

And that allowed me to be ok and stay present with her when I felt like I wanted to strangle her. Really, I wanted to strangle the feeling of anxiety.

3) Number Three

Listen only when you’re present. Don’t try to listen when you’re exhausted after a long day of work.

Instead, ask for what you need — Can we talk about this after dinner when I’m more present for you? I’m exhausted right now.

Listening when you’re present and have energy is respecting yourself and her. It’s also called healthy boundaries.

4) Number Four

Fire your superhero fixer. Release the burden of making her better. It’s not your job. You don’t have to make anything better. Breathe. Relax. And hear her. Listening, without fixing, is a gift for you too. No need to take on so much.

5) Number Five

Create a time container. Yes, guys, we know she’ll talk on and on if you allow it. It’s how she processes. And it drives us mad. Start out with five minutes. Even set a timer, then speak back what you heard, then ask, is there more?

She’ll go for it when she sees a set container of times allows your male mind to stay in the game.

That’s it. That’s how you kill it for her. Oh, and one more thing. A big one for the women out there.

Related: Satisfying These Three Needs Makes Her Feel Loved

While you don’t want us always to pull the nail out of your head, remember that fixing is how we as men often show our love. Try sometimes to accept it. Receive it. Open to it. It’s our gift. We feel loved when we can give it to you.

And somewhere in the middle, between listening and fixing, we shall meet to grow, love, and cherish one another.


Written by Stuart Motola
Originally appeared in Stuart Motola
The #1 Way For Guys To Kill It In Relationship
The #1 Way For Guys To Kill It In Relationships
way for guys to kill it in relationships pin
way for guys to kill it in relationships

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *



Up Next

What Does Open Relationship Mean? 8 Rules Of Being In A Happy And Fulfilling One

Rules That Make an Open Relationship Work

Love is a marvellous thing, isn’t it? It comes in all shapes and sizes, challenging the norms and expanding our understanding of relationships. One such style that has been gaining attention and acceptance is the idea of an open relationship. So, what does open relationship mean?

We’re about to dive into the fascinating world of couples who have open relationships and where communication, trust, and exploration are the name of the game. In this article, we’ll uncover the secrets behind a healthy and fulfilling open relationship, presenting you with ten simple rules to make your journey an exciting and joyous one.



Up Next

When Love Feels Like A Repeat: 6 Warning Signs You Are Groundhogging in Relationships

Groundhogging Meaning Revealed: Signs of This Dating Trend

Do you get tired of having unsuccessful relationships back to back? Are you in a habit of falling for the same kind of toxic people just to be disappointed again? You might be stuck in Groundhogging. Let’s explore groundhogging meaning, how it affects your life and how to overcome it.

There can be challenges associated with navigating relationships. When repetitive failed relations leave you with a broken heart, self-reflection is important. Groundhogging may be a hidden factor that is affecting your dating life without your knowledge.

We are going to look into this pattern to evaluate its consequences on your romantic life.

What is Groundhogging?



Up Next

3 Ways That Grudge Dumping Destroys Relationships

Ways That Grudge Dumping Destroys Relationships

Dealing with frustration in a relationship is sometimes a very normal thing to experience. But some people let their frustration get the better of themselves, and end up grudge dumping their partner. This article is going to talk about experiencing frustration in relationships, and how grudge dumping destroys relationships.

KEY POINTS

Frustration is a natural part of any intimate relationship; grudge dumping isn’t.

Pent-up frustration can lead to temper tantrums, explosive arguments, and words designed to produce maximum hurt.

Healthy ways to process frustration in a relationship includ



Up Next

How To Make Your Man Happy: 25+ Last Minute Gift Ideas For Him

Last Minute Gift Ideas For Him That Will Save the Day

Are you still searching for the perfect last minute gift ideas for him? Looking for the best gift to buy for your man may be a little bit confusing.

You know how it goes. We are all familiar with a situation when you are too busy in your life, and suddenly you realize that some important event is just around the corner. But don’t despair! 

We have compiled a list of some really fantastic fast gifts for men that can be bought at the last minute and will make him smile.

Even when time is running short, these are simple but practical gifts that will show your love and gratitude. So let’s go ahead and find out about some wonderful gifts for men who deserve classy ones on their most memorable day!



Up Next

Why Is It So Hard To Find A Good Man? 7 Harsh Truths

Why Is It So Hard To Find A Good Man? Harsh Reasons

Why is it so hard to find a good man? This question has echoed through the minds of countless individuals searching for love, companionship, and a fulfilling relationship. 

In today’s fast-paced world, where dating apps and social media dominate the landscape, the pursuit of a genuine connection can feel like an elusive endeavor. However, by understanding the best personality traits in a man, recognizing what is required to find a good partner, and learning how to meet a nice man, we can navigate the complexities of modern dating with hope and confidence.

Who is a “Good Man”?

Before we delve into exploring what is required to find a



Up Next

Breadcrumbing in a Relationship: 6 Alarming Signs And How To Manage It

Breadcrumbing In A Relationship | Signs and How to Manage

Breadcrumbing in a relationship is like leaving tiny hints of interest without real commitment. It is confusing and can leave you wondering where you stand. 

 So, how do you know if it’s happening to you?

In this guide, we’ll discuss five signs of breadcrumbing in a relationship. We will also be providing strategies on how to deal with breadcrumbing in a relationship. 

But first, let us learn about the breadcrumbing meaning. 



Up Next

Is It Fate? 8 Unmistakable Signs of Karmic Relationships

Is It Fate? Unmistakable Signs of Karmic Relationships

In the vast theatre of human connections, certain relationships stand out, casting a spell that’s hard to break. They tug at our heartstrings in ways we can’t explain, evoking emotions so raw, so deep, that they shake the very foundation of our being. Imagine crossing paths with someone and feeling an electric charge, a cosmic familiarity. Or, on the flip side, an instant and unexplainable aversion. Maybe these are signs of karmic relationships?

It’s like a song whose lyrics you can’t quite recall, but the melody stirs something profound within. These are not just random encounters; they might be the echoes of past lifetimes reverberating in the present. Welcome to the intriguing and often tumultuous world of karmic connections.