Men I Wish I Wouldn’t Have Loved
“So it’s true when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.” ― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly.
Love came to me like the spring breeze every time I met them, each of them glowing in colors I have never seen before.
He wanted to be with me because he felt I was one in a million. I was scared, entering my early twenties, I was scared of his charm, I was scared of the attention. He said he wouldn’t give up on me, on us. I took my time to trust him; a few months weren’t enough. He waited till I grew in the trust. It was in the second year, I accepted his proposal. By that time, he already had more butterflies around him. My acceptance was his victory, not me. He dwelled in his victory and said we would never work. He gave me valid excuses to abandon the idea of us. And then, he abandoned me.
He was smart and full of knowledge. He knew how to get good grades, he was prompt with solutions to every problem. The research was his forte. By the time we were struggling hard with our first research paper, he already had three published. Our friends said he was interested in me. He rarely talked to girls but gave me time. He flashed a smile which was so unnatural of him. We seemed to play a rom-com. It was a play indeed because it ended. My happily-ever-after vanished like an aborted theory. It never worked out.
He was calm and reserved. He was always working hard to get a job. He had no time for friends and parties. But he found time for me. I knew his insecurities. I knew how hard he struggled to get that job. He would talk to me for hours and I would keep on listening to him. The only day I refused to listen to him was when he started giving alibis for leaving us. He blamed his hectic job and his family responsibilities as if I was never a family to him. Perhaps, I was an outsider all the time but he never made me feel that. I tried to speak for us but he was calm; too calm to listen to me; too stubborn to change his decision.
He loved people; he loved adventures. We both were wanderers. We hitch-hiked, we roamed around. I felt he understood me. Probably he did before coming to the cross-road from where he wanted to part ways. He was the wanderer and how could I stop him?
He had a creative bent of mind. He said I was his favorite subject. He clicked my pictures in so many attires, in so many backgrounds that even I would grow tired of posing. He praised my smile, my body. He made me feel like a star before moving on to a different subject. He made me realize, he was never interested in my soul.
He was the funniest person I have ever met in my life. He was always fooling around, making me laugh all the time. Perhaps the idea of us was a joke for him too and he did manage to nail it well.
He was full of confidence. He knew what he was and he knew how to attract people. His presence was so overwhelming. He helped me become confident. He guided me. But his confidence in us didn’t stay for long. He loved himself more than anybody. He remained committed to himself, not to us.
They were unique and charming in their own ways.
And then there’s him.
I could never believe there can be someone like him. He did exist. He’s bold yet soft, he’s calm yet fierce, he’s kind yet strong. He might not be perfect for others, but he is definitely perfect for me. But probably I’m not. I’m broken, wounded and pained. Trust I have none for anyone. I’m scared of rejection. I’m scared of investing my emotions and then get hurt again. I got hurt once but I dared to fall in love, again and again.
But this time, it’s different. It’s been too much for me. I don’t wish to lose myself again. They made me feel like this because all this long. I have loved these men I shouldn’t have.
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