If your marriage is going through a tough time right now, do you want to know that one daily talk that will benefit your marriage greatly?
When Steven gets home from work, his wife Katie asks him, โHow was your day, dear?โ Their conversation goes like this.
Steven: At my weekly meeting my manager challenged my knowledge of our products and told the CEO that I am incompetent. Sheโs such a jerk.
Katie: There you go again. Overacting and blaming your manager. When I met her she seemed very logical and reasonable. Youโre probably being insensitive to her worries about your department. (siding with the enemy)
Steven: The woman has it out for me.
Katie: And thereโs your paranoia. You really need to get a handle on that. (criticism)
Steven: Forget I ever said anything.
Do you think Steven feels loved by his wife at this moment?
Probably not.
Instead of providing a safe haven for him to be heard, she adds to his stress.
Learning to cope with external pressures and tensions outside your relationship is crucial to a marriage’s long-term health, according to research by Neil Jacobson.
A simple, effective way for couples to earn deposits in their emotional bank account is to reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went. We call this the โHow was your day, dear?โ conversation, or more formally, the Stress-Reducing Conversation.
Like Steven and Katie, many couples have the โHow was your day, dear?โ conversation but the talk does not help either partner relax. Instead, it escalates the stress and tension between them because they end up not feeling heard.
If this sounds like you and your partner, changing your approach to these end-of-the-day talks can ensure that they help both of you unwind.
The 4 Agreements of Love
Before you start your end-of-the-day discussion, Iโd recommend making some agreements. Agreements are what I use with my clients to bring their unspoken expectations into view.
Agreement #1: Agree on Timing
Some individuals want to connect the moment they walk into the door. Others need to decompress on their own before theyโre ready to interact. When this expectation goes unspoken it can create tension and leave both partners feeling missed by each other.
Agree on a time that will meet both of your needs. This can be at 7 pm every night or it can be 10 minutes after both of you get home.
Want to know more about how to build a happier marriage? Read 30 Pieces Of Marriage Advice From People Married For Over 30 Years
Agreement #2: Dedicate Your Presence for 20-30 Minutes
Some couples struggle because they don’t spend enough time in the presence of each other to allow love to be cultivated. Take time to truly connect during this conversation.
Agreement #3: Donโt Discuss Your Marriage
This talk gives you and your partner the space to discuss about whatever is on your mind outside your marriage. It is not the time to bring up conflicts between you. Instead, itโs a chance to truly support each other in other areas of your life.
This conversation is a form of active listening in which you respond to each otherโs venting with empathy and without judgement. Since the issues have nothing to do with the marriage, itโs much easier to express support and understanding of your partner’s worries and stresses.
Agreement #4: All Emotions are Welcome
This conversation is an opportunity to unload about irritants or issues, both big and small. If your partner shares sadness, fear, or anger and it feels uncomfortable, it may be time to explore why. Often this discomfort is rooted in childhood restrictions against expressing negative emotions. If this is the case, check out โCoping with Your Partnerโs Sadness, Fear, and Angerโ on page 103 in The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work.
Allow this space to be a place of celebration too. If you have a victory at work or as a parent, mention that. Beyond sharing frustrations, a relationship is about sharing and relishing in the victories of life together. Thatโs what makes it meaningful.
7 Steps to an Effective End-of-Day Conversation
Below are detailed instructions for using active listening during the stress-reducing and intimacy building conversation.
1. Take turns.
Let each partner be the complainer for fifteen minutes.
2. Show Compassion.
Itโs very easy to let your mind wander, but losing yourself will make your partner feel like youโve lost touch with them. Stay focused on them. Ask questions to understand. Make eye contact.
How can you make your marriage better and stronger? Read 43 Pieces of Best Marriage Advice by Top Relationship Experts
3. Donโt provide unsolicited solutions.
Itโs natural to want to fix problems or make our lover feel better when they express pain. Often partners just want an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. Unless your partner has asked for help, donโt try to fix the problem, change how they feel, or rescue them. Just be present with them.
Men get caught up in this trap more frequently than women, but it is not the manโs responsibility to rescue his partner. Often trying to โsave herโ backfires. In the Love Lab, Dr. John Gottman noticed that when a wife shares her troubles, she reacts negatively to her husband offering advice right away. What she wants is to be heard and understood.
Itโs not that problem-solving doesnโt have itโs place. It is important, but as psychologist Haim Ginott says, โUnderstanding must precede advice.โ Itโs only when your partner feels fully understood that they will be receptive to suggestions.
4. Express your understanding and validate emotions.
Let your spouse know that you understand what they are saying. Hereโs a list of phrases I have my clients use.
- โHearing that makes perfect sense why youโre upset.โ
- โThat sounds terrible.โ
- โI totally agree with how you see it.โ
- โIโd be stressed too.โ
- โThat would have hurt my feelings too.โ
5. Take your partnerโs side.
Express support of your partner’s view even if you feel their perspective is unreasonable. If you back the opposition, your spouse will be resentful.
When your partner reaches out for emotional support (rather than advice), your role is not to cast judgement or to tell them what to do. Itโs your job to express empathy.
6. Adopt a โWe against othersโ attitude.
If your partner is feeling alone while facing difficulty, express that you are there with them and you two are in this together.
Looking to know more about the proper talk that will benefit your marriage? Read Resolving Conflicts: The ABCs of Escalating Conflict and 7 Tips To Prevent Them
7. Be Affectionate.
Touch is one of the most expressive ways we can love our partners. As your partner talks, hold them or put an arm on their shoulder. Hold that space for them and love them through thick and thin.
Here is how the conversation changed after these instructions were given to Steven and Katie.
Katie: How was your day, dear?
Steven: At my weekly meeting my manager challenged my knowledge of our products and told the CEO that I am incompetent. Sheโs such a jerk.
Katie: What a jerk! She is so rude. (us against others) What did you say to her? (expressing genuine interest)
Steven: I told her I feel like she is out to get me and itโs not fair. I am the number one salesman on the floor.
Katie: I completely understand why you feel like that. Iโm sorry sheโs doing this to you. (expressing affection) She needs to get taken care of. (us against others)
Steven: I agree, but I think sheโs doing it to herself. The CEO doesnโt appreciate her telling him everyone is incompetent but her. Itโs probably best to leave it alone.
Katie: Iโm glad heโs is aware of that. Itโs not good and will backfire sooner or later.
Steven: I hope so. I feel like pizza, cuddles, and a movie tonight. You in?
Katie: Of course, love.
If you have this conversation every day, it canโt help but benefit your marriage. Youโll come away with the feeling that your partner is on your side, and thatโs one of the foundations of a long-lasting friendship.
Handling your marriage and making your partner happy can sometimes become a bit tough and dicey. But if you try to understand where your partner is coming from and be there for them, then you will be able to handle the situation better. Add to that, this one daily talk that will benefit your marriage greatly.
If you want to know more about the proper talk that will benefit your marriage, then check out this video below:
By Kyle Benson
This was originally published on The Gottman Relationship Blog.
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