The Morning After I Killed Myself

Morning After I Killed Myself

“The Morning After I Killed Myself” is a poem by 22-year old Meggie Royer, who writes at Writings for Winter. She has two published poetry collections, “Survival Songs” and “Healing Old Wounds With New Stitches.” Her Poem, “The Morning After I Killed Myself,” is a message about the finality of suicide, the impact it has on loved ones, and the lost opportunity for a better day.

The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.

I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.

The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love.

Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.

The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog.

I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading.

I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.

The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up.

Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her.

I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.

Read What Happens After Death?

The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.

The morning after I killed myself
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Morning After I Killed Myself suicide pin
Mental Health, Depression, Life Lessons / , , , , ,

68 thoughts on “The Morning After I Killed Myself”

  1. Betenas

    Better days are gonna come lets have faith in God…he know the best

    We have to see our familys our friends that we love and the sun that gonna shine one day

  19. Anonymous

    Everybody has committed suicide one time or another. But everybody comes back. So, yes, in the throws of an emotional loss, people may be prompted to do so. But it's kind of silly. One the shock of death – which is nothing more than permanently departing from your current body – wears off, you go, "oh shit, I'm still alive…now what am I going?" A lot of suicides get into regret, wishing they hadn't done it, but that doesn't do any good, as all regret is, is the attempt to bring back the past. Most people get over that and then realize they should go back to create another future life. Practically all suicide wishes — especially "teen suicides" — come from hidden memories of earlier times of having done so.

  29. Kathy Burt

    Depression is so dark and lonely. It zaps all your energy. And yes, it drives you to just want to give up. A few months ago in one of my counciling sessions my therapist hesitatated to make a suggestion on a new study that has been done. The study shows that if we think of something we are thankful for (I decided on 2 things) every day it will literally change our brain. IT WORKS! I created a wall with butterflies. Each butterfly has written on what I am thankful for. Things like ice, humor, meds, shoes, etc. it works, it's simple, and it's pretty.

  30. Anonymous

    so true people in that situation are usually in a dark place. only people they truly love can save them sometimes.

  31. Anonymous

    You are so brave, Helare. I hope you will always know that the love of your friends and family will see you through however bad it seems. The world is a wonderful place and we are blessed to be here. Take comfort in love and the wonders of nature. The simple things. One day we will all die and never walk this way again. Bless you and may you stay strong and safe.

  32. Lana Fry

    Wow what a different way to see this if death has ever crossed your mind. Thinking back, now is when you realize all the things you'll miss while they've always been there, you've just been seeing them with different eyes. We have a lot to appreciate, even small footprints we left behind a long time ago.

  33. mandy

    What a beautiful powerful poem. I believe it can help all who read iit appreciate this life a little bit more. I hope so. I love it.

  34. Conflicted

    I really Wish someone Will take grasp of these beautiful words and get out of the grasp of det beforehand they reach the point of no return. Thank you for writing these words. I have contemplated suicide alot and had alot of near death expiriences. But somehow I haven't finished my task Yet. My day Will Come soon Enough. I don't see the coulors of the fall Yet. I don't feel the love every One is sending. It annoyes me to hear that People care. It is like a stab in my heart. I wish People Will forget me if I Just stay to myself. Keep my mouth shut. Thanks for a beautiful poem. I wish someone can see the message and turn around. Beforehand they get to this hell, before they get to the point of no return.

  36. Anonymous

    I think this piece may help someone on the brink, as it shows them the concept of an after thought. If you follow through when at the brink you may escape the immediate pain that has driven you to the brink in the first place. But IF you could "wake up" the day after you may have clarity of all the small joys in life you couldn't see before the final act. I think it's a beautiful moving piece!

  37. Anonymous

    And I told her as she was getting ready to walk out out the door for good, "if you're leaving… take me with you." And then she left, taking a piece of my heart.

  38. Helare Hannibal

    i try to kill my self once & a friend saved me! right know i'm glad to be alive! yea sometimes life is hard & bad, some cruel persons make makes you hate your own life! but there are always good persons who makes your life wonderful! like your familys, friends…. that are beside you! i feel like i right it!

  44. Saadia Malik

    It made me cry,I couldnot read single sentence without tears in my eyes,life is precious n ur patents too I cannot imagine even my mother how n what she gonna do when I die,,she won't ever believe it.no never

  46. Michael Nech Davis

    Wow, blown away by this. I almost feel like I have written this to myself on some of my loneliest and darkest nights right before a morning where I might have "woken up dead".
    But lately I've been trying to find these details to write about, more early in my days. Like in the mornings I say " thank you, thank you, thank you" and I learn to appreciate the disappointments and let downs as often as I can because I will always know,
    that there is no shadow that can be cast if there is no beam of light hiding behind something.
    #GoodLuckPeople

  52. Kathleen Guetre

    When people are in the throws of suicide they do not think rationally about life. It is all great that someone can write a beautiful piece for anti-suicide but it will not help those who suffer from illness that brings them to the brink of life.

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