The Love Map: Why You Choose Who You Love

“Choose love not in the shallows but in the deep.” – Christina Rossetti

You always choose the person you fall in love with. It’s a decision. It’s your decision. Whether your relationship is great or you are stuck with a toxic partner, you chose to love this person. It means you are responsible for the toxic lover you decided to stick with longer than you should’ve and it also means that you have the option to walk out or fix your relationship. You choose who you are in love with.


Love is always a choice

“Real love isn’t just a euphoric, spontaneous feeling—it’s a deliberate choice—a plan to love each other for better and worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health.” – Seth Adam Smith

You can choose to love a person who you aren’t attracted to. You can get attracted to a person you aren’t in love with. Attraction is magnetic. I have been attracted to different kinds of people for different reasons. Sometimes it was their sense of humor, sometimes it was their personality while sometimes it was just how hot they looked. When I am attracted to someone, I usually don’t control this urge to approach them or be with them. Attraction is normal. It’s healthy. The problem begins when you start confusing attraction with love. Although you may not control who you are attracted to, you certainly can control how attached you get to someone and how much you invest yourself. 

Falling is love is a choice. Come to think of it, you never fall in love. You simply give in to your emotions. What you need to realize that a real, mature and adult relationship not only needs love, it also needs trust, commitment, understanding, acceptance and a lot of time and energy. You decide to love someone because you decide to invest yourself in the relationship. It’s a deliberate decision.


Love demands attraction, but attraction doesn’t need love

“Attraction is beyond our will or ideas sometimes.” – Juliette Binoche


The club opens up to the dance floor, and the flicker of her eyes connect with mine as the flashing lights shimmer on her, consumed in the darkness.

My heart started racing. My head started pounding. It felt as if my mind was a missile and she was my target. I can’t recall ever having such an intense experience. It was like a tsunami of sexual desire destroying the town of my thoughts. I was so overwhelmed with the things happening inside.

The moment I sat down next to her, everything else disappeared. We talked, laughed, touched, and danced. I don’t remember her friends or mine leaving. The world around us didn’t exist.

The sex was amazing; the intensity of our passion drove us wild for the next 48 hours. She even ditched her friend who she had flown into town to see. I’ve never felt so infatuated in my life. Even though she wanted to cancel her flight back home to Italy, our time was bound to end. I always wonder what would have happened if we stayed in touch. If I would have pursued her seriously.

Years later, I can still vividly recall our intense passion. I have yet to find that in another woman, even women I’ve fallen in love with, so I started to wonder – why her? What caused my mind to transform into a targeted missile, locking onto her as the coordinates?

What was this energy pulling me towards her? Why was I instantly attracted and love-struck by someone I had never seen or spoken a word to before?

Was it simply raw sexual attraction? Or was it true love?

Her coordinates were as close as I have ever experienced – down to the precise points on what Love researcher Helen Fisher calls my Love Map. (1)

love map

Follow your Love Map 

“To choose love and jump in not knowing, with a lot of unknowns, is a brave act.” – Mara Brock Akil

From cave paints to ancient maps of Greece and Asia, through the Age of Exploration and even into our present time, people have created and used maps as essential tools to help them define, explain and navigate their way through the world.

Kyle Benson
I've had the privilege of working with men and women on a wide range of relationship issues. I've helped individuals:Leave toxic relationships to find a healthy relationship that makes them feel calm, grateful for the person in their life, and deeply valued by their partner Close the emotional distance between partners so they feel deeply connected to each otherResolve relationship conflict, leading the couple to become closer and more loving than they ever thought imaginable Remove sexual anxiety to create intensely passionate and longer-lasting sexUse problems in the relationship as catalysts to help individuals grow into their highest potential (and become more awesome lovers)Our coaching sessions are tailored towards reaching solutions that improve your relationship quickly. Read more about my coaching programmes here, Relationship Coaching or Email me at [email protected]


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