Breakups are the separations, the boundary is already marked. You did break up for a reason, right? Without letting go, no one can move forward and that includes resuming a physical relationship with your ex.
Sex with an ex is found to be most eagerly pursued by those having difficulty moving on, but sinking back to your old habits will not do you any good. Blast from the past will always be, well, blast.
I know that you want some – we all need sex – but having sex with your ex is not the answer.
Relationships are complicated and breakups even more so. Having sex with your ex, believe it or not, can make them both worse.
Obviously, break ups happen when there are issues in a relationship and they usually happen after a lot of hurt from both sides. Letting go of each other, while it might be painful, is often a necessary course of action.
Surprisingly, conflict in a relationship can enhance attraction to each other. As a result, exes often go back to each other for sex, even after a nasty break up.
And when they do, disaster ensues.
So, why is having sex with your ex a really bad idea? Let me tell you why.
1. It’s Confusing And Anxiety-Producing.
When we break up with someone, it is always for a reason. We leave or we are left or the decision is mutual. Whatever the reason, we break up.
If you start having sex with your ex, the break-up lines are blurred.
If you did the leaving, why are you going back? Are you lonely, bored, horny or are you going back because you regret your decision?
If you were left, does having sex with your ex give you hope that you might get back together? Does it make you happy because you get to spend some time with your ex because if they might be with someone else?
If the decision was mutual, does having sex with your ex feel confusing? I mean, you were a couple and you were attached romantically and now you are having sex – not making love? How does that feel?
With few exceptions, being friends, much fewer friends with benefits, only brings more pain. It confuses people and drags out hurt feelings.
Whether you did the breaking up or are broken up with, walk away. Move on. There is no point wasting time in a physical relationship where the boundaries are blurred and can lead, ultimately, to more pain.
2. Fractured Attachments.
As I said above, relationships involve sex AND emotion. In a relationship, you are having sex, maybe even great sex, but your heart is also involved. There is nothing more wonderful than making love to someone you care about.
Sex is different, for everyone. For men, sex is often not much more than just a physical release.
I had a client who had sex with his soon-to-be ex-wife the night before their final therapy session. I asked him why. He said that he wouldn’t turn down any opportunity to have sex. She wanted the marriage to work – he did not. He had sex with her anyway.
I don’t know my client’s ex but I am guessing that when he came to the house and was interested in having sex with her, she believed that the sex could be a signal that he wanted to get back together. I am guessing that when he left, and expressed no indication that he wanted a reunion in therapy the next day, that she was more devastated than ever.
This couple who had been married for 30 years and shared 4 adult children, were devasting each other, beyond their divorce, by continuing their sexual relationship.