“When you are authentic, you create a certain energy, people want to be around you because you are unique.” – Andie MacDowell
Have you ever noticed that the people you desire are indifferent to you, while the people you don’t care about are crazy about you?
You’re not alone. It’s frustrating to feel like the person you’re crushing on couldn’t care less about you, while the other one who you haven’t given the time of day is completely in love with you.
This is actually a phenomenon that I’m going to help you get to the root of today, and hopefully, help you break this pattern for good. To understand its roots, we have to go back.
This phenomenon starts for many of us when we were much younger, where we were rewarded for being good (“Mommy’s perfect little girl or boy”), and perhaps punished when we let loose another side of our personality that our parents weren’t accepting of.
Ultimately, This Kind Of Conditional Love Creates A Core Belief In Us At A Young Age:
“I can’t be who I really am if I want to get what I want.”
We believed we needed to show up in a certain way to be worthy of love. We may have buried this deep in our psyche, but now it’s showing up when we’re dating on repeat.
What It Looks Like Is This:
- You Desire someone and proceed to project onto this person who you think they would like you to be (remember “Mommy’s perfect girl”?).
- Next, you Distort yourself so you can match this picture you’ve created in your mind of who you think they want.
- By doing this, you Disconnect from your authentic self.
Simply put, you meet someone you’re attracted to and you begin acting like someone else because deep down you don’t trust that you’re good enough and will be attractive to the person if you were just yourself.
This cycle doesn’t happen with the people we aren’t interested in because we don’t feel unworthy of their attention or a relationship with them — the thought doesn’t even enter the equation. We naturally show up in their lives authentically as ourselves and rooted in our centers because we’re not making unconscious calculations about whether or not we deserve to be with them.
And thus, they get to see and fall for who we really are. Our authentic self is incredibly attractive. With the object of our desire, however, we’re uncertain if we’re deserving if we come as we are, and that is what creates the distortion and separation from our authentic self.
So we show up as a shell of ourselves when we are around that person.
Can you relate to this? It’s quite a common pattern!
Well, I’ve got an answer to break out of this cycle. It involves a little concept called Detachment. You might be thinking, “Oh great, Clayton. If only it were as easy as that!” And I agree — easier said than done. But I have a maneuver that I’ve seen work in my own life and in the lives of my friends and clients.
It’s A Threefold Process:
1. Instead of distorting yourself because you don’t think you’re good enough as you are, slow down and pay attention to that feeling. Feel into that fear of not being enough and notice what message it has for you.
2. Next, get curious about the object of your desire. Perhaps ask questions like, “Who do I believe I will have permission to be if I was with this person?” Maybe it’s worthy, desirable, higher status, finally lovable, safe, etc., etc.
In other words, notice how you might be making their approval or attraction for you mean something significant about your value. Just by becoming aware of that story you’re creating, you can begin to dismantle it.
3. Lastly, take back any projections and power you have given this person. Realize that they actually don’t have the power to affect your worth, lovability, or raise your inherent value as a human being.
Take off your rose-colored glasses and know that he/she is human and probably picks their nose with abandon in the car when they think no one is watching. Get curious about whether they are actually compatible with you.
Instead of the old way of asking yourself, “Who do I need to become in order for him/her to love me more?” (accompanied by theatrics and the distortion of self).
You’re asking, “Are they even capable of giving me what I want out of a relationship?”
“Are we headed in the same direction?”
“Are they able to see how amazing I am or are they blind to it?”
This changes your stance from one of goal-oriented tunnel vision, to one of determining whether they are qualified to be with you. Now, it takes courage to ask these questions, but it’s one way to step back from the desire that creates distortion, which inevitably results in you abandoning your true self.
When you can take a step back and pause, you return to your authenticity. You come back to your needs, feelings, your resourcefulness, rooted in who you truly are. When you step back with curiosity and deconstruct the fantasy, your groundedness to reality comes back online, which is the greatest asset you have to navigate the situation.
Whether it’s a difficult conversation or a first date, coming into the situation as yourself and being detached from the outcome allows for greater freedom and authentic expression of your own essence, which is the biggest gift you can give.
Do you need an objective set of eyes to help you deconstruct your own fantasy of someone? I might be able to help.
Clayton Olson is an International Relationship Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, and Facilitator. He delivers private virtual coaching sessions and leads online group workshops. Register for his free webinar that reveals the 3 Keys to Attracting and Keeping a High-Quality Man or grab his free guide 5 Secrets To Create A Rock Solid Relationship.
Written By Clayton Olson Originally Appeared On Clayton Olson Coaching Republished here with permission