The first 6 months is the most crucial time in your relationship. This is when you start knowing each other and discover the depth of your feelings for one another. And once you realize you guys are compatible, then โBOOMโ…magic happens. But things start waning after the first 6 months. So if you havenโt said โI love you” after 6 months of being together, then you might need to start thinking about moving on.
How โgood enoughโ is the enemy of great love.
I have a simple theory about the world. The reason why more people arenโt ending up in wildly enthusiastic relationships is simply due to one thing: theyโre not getting out of bad relationships soon enough. They stay in something โokโ for months and even years on end, preferring the safety of mediocrity to the angst of loneliness. In the end, they fail to make space in their lives for the right person because thereโs no room.
In the creative arts, there is a saying: โGood is the enemy of great.โ And Iโd say the same applies to relationships. A โgreatโ one wonโt come your way unless youโre willing to pass on the ones that are merely โgood.โ
So this is a simple plea: demand strong feelings from your relationship. Demand awe and inspirationโnot all the time, but at least with some regularity. Do. Not. Settle. If youโre not saying aloud (or at least to yourself) โI love youโ to your mate in 6 months or less, hit the โnextโ button. Have the courage to believe that something better is out there. (Hell, I think you might even be able to know sooner than that, but Iโm trying to be reasonable here.)
And I know some people take issue with this, saying they were dating three years (or more) before they truly fell in love, and now theyโve been together 40 years now, blah, blah, blah. And I donโt deny that can happen, too. But what happens a lot more often is people who are in limbo for years simply get married because they feel they canโt โwasteโ the 5 years theyโve been together by splitting up now, and instead go on to waste ten more miserable years together being in an incompatible relationship they donโt have the courage to get out of.
When true love strikes, it doesnโt take long to recognize it.
When everything clicks, there is very little doubt in your mind. Its laser-accurate clarity will envelope you. Calm you. Inspire you.
Now, this theory of high standards has to apply to yourself as wellโdonโt settle for a mediocre version of yourself if you want to attract an amazing mate. Be someone who chases their dreams, if you want that characteristic in your mate. Be someone who brings as much to the table as you expect from them. If you want someone who lives passionately, has an interesting, fulfilling career, has tons of hobbies, fills the room with their personality and inspires others through their actions, then you need to be that kind of person, too.
This is where many of us fall short. We settle for mediocrity in ourselves and yet expect to end up with Leonardo DiCaprio or Keira Knightley. The classic โdouble-standard.โ
If the double standard doesnโt apply to you, itโs possible you have too much patience. No one wants to be too judgmental. Part of being an adult is being tolerant and accepting of othersโ flaws. But many of us just stay in something โgoodโ for too long, hoping it will eventually blossom into something mind-blowing. But it doesnโt. It just says โgood.โ
From what Iโve seen in couples whoโve found โthe one,โ it usually doesnโt take years to realize. Itโs somewhat early โ usually in the first year, and sometimes in the first few weeks.
If youโre the right kind of person, whoโs done the necessary work on themselves, then youโll know very quickly. Assuming theyโre also worthy of you.
And if youโre not saying โI love you,โ in 6 months itโs not a tragic ending. It just means you could probably do better. And should. Which is why you owe it to both of you to move on and give each other room to find a better match.
The problem weโve gotten into as a culture is that we feel like we donโt have the right to break up with someone if they havenโt done anything morally incomprehensible.
But you donโt have to wait until someone cheats on you to break up with them. You can simply leave if your heart isnโt fully engaged. (At least while youโre just datingโbeing married and raising kids together, yes, you need to stick around and give it every shot you can unless youโve suffered too much to stomach any more.) You can exit if you simply feel, โHey, I like you. Weโre having a โniceโ time. The sex is even pretty decent. But I want more. I deserve to feel more. And so do you.โ
And thatโs the guilt-relieving part of my argument; youโre helping them find someone better, too. Because chances are thereโs someone else out there whoโs a better match for them than you are, too. You both just need to keep exploring.
Because I believe the American divorce rate isnโt due to people who were passionately in love but just drifted apart (although that happens, too). I believe itโs more due to people who just never should have been married in the first place. And then finally admitted at age 49 what they probably should have admitted at age 24 when theyโd only been dating 3 yrs.
Guy, girl, gay, straight, whatever: If itโs the love you want, give your venture enough time to have a chance to flourish, but just as a venture capitalist doesnโt make unconditionally investments forever, pull your money at some point if youโre not seeing enough return on your contributions.
Because thereโs plenty of other things out there to invest your time in. You just have to let go of the current one to see them.
But hereโs the biggest reason to move on, and the one most of us are least aware of: right now thereโs something better that might be available to you that will not be able to enter your life because you look โcontent.โ You already have someone at your side, so thereโs a โNo Vacancyโ sign above your head diverting anyone who might be interested in you. You donโt know what youโre missing out on. You think the only option you have is the one in your hands, but itโs not. Thatโs just the only option you can see right now.
What would happen if those other options knew you were single? If they knew you were unhappy in that โthingโ they saw you in? If there was finally an empty space next to you at the bar that they could slip into and chat you up?
You wonโt know until you say no to โgoodโ in order to make room for โgreat.โ
Written by Mark Radcliffe
Originally appeared in The Good Men Project
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