2. You are ashamed of your body.
When you’re asking yourself “why has my sexual desire decreased”, you might also want to look for the answer in the relationship you have with your body.
Sex is all about letting go and being in the moment — something that’s often made difficult by focusing on how we look at certain angles during the act.
Shame about our bodies is often rooted in culture — be it the one that existed in our immediate family while growing up or society at large. We’re taught from a young age that only certain body types or even skin types(!), are beautiful.
That the only people who are truly deserving of sexual pleasure are supposed to look a certain way.
That in order for us to be desired and feel desire, we need to be a certain kind of attractive. And for most of us — all sexes in fact — these ideals are unattainable.
This plunges us into a pit of shame. Shame about how we look, shame about how we feel about our bodies, even shame about feeling ashamed — we’re meant to be proud of our bodies, right?
It’s like you can’t win.
Shame makes you feel bad, and when you feel bad about yourself, chances are you won’t want to have sex. This might not be news, but it’s worth exploring if you’re experiencing shame about your body — because it’s likely impacting your libido negatively.
3. You and your partner have mismatched libidos.
If you’re in a monogamous relationship, desire discrepancy is probably one of the largest contributing factors to your suffering libido.
Feeling like you can never keep up with your partners’ appetite for sex turns the whole thing stressful.
Every move your partner makes seems like it’s geared towards getting you turned on. Every time they look at you they, seemingly, have sex in their eyes. This causes your brain to go into overdrive and a million and one thoughts about sex, your relationship, and your non-existent libido pop up.
The stress this all creates raises the cortisol levels in your body, and your body has to make a choice; either it can survive the threat the cortisol is telling your brain exists, or it can get you horny. And for most of us — our brain doesn’t choose horny.
It’s not only the stress and angst brought on by your partner’s libido that leads to your low libido. It’s also affected by how the two of you handle the issue together.
Does your relationship suffer from low sex drive? Read Low Sexual Desire In Couples: 3 Ways To Deal With The Dilemma Of Intimacy
Two of the most common ways to handle the discrepancy are to either have too many (negative) conversations about sex or to not have enough of them. It’s not your fault —talking about sex is difficult. It’s a sensitive subject and we’ve never been taught how to handle it properly.
But when sex is only ever talked about in a negative way — or you dance around the topic because it fills you with worry or shame — your libido fades.
The ‘Why’ tells you ‘How’
Low libido is common and can be distressing, especially if you’re unsure of why it’s happening in the first place. In order to find the answer to why your sex drive is gone, you need to address the following:
1. Examine the reasons you’re engaging in sex and ask yourself if you’re only doing it to please your partner. If so — it’s likely affecting your sex drive negatively.
2. Think about how you feel about your body and what your relationship with it is like. It’s normal for a negative one to impact libido.
3. Consider you and your partner’s differing desires and levels of libido. If they’re not in sync (which they aren’t for most of us), and you’re experiencing difficulty dealing with it — it could be one of the main causes of your low drive.