Are you going through a dry spell in the bedroom? Have you been wondering why your sex drive is gone, despite having a great partner?
โWhy has my sexual desire decreased?โโโโfive words I hear strung together on a daily basis in my job as a sex therapist. Often, theyโre accompanied by worry, sadness and sometimes even panic.
Losing our sexual spark can be distressing and all-consuming.
Most of us donโt know a whole lot about sexual desire, and what we think we knowโโโis often wrong.
In pop culture, libido is portrayed as this instant, chemical reaction and the existence of which depends entirely on hormones.
Do you know want to know more about the reality of low sexual desire among couples? Read 15 Married Men And Women Confess Why They Stopped Having Sex with Each Other on Askreddit
Men, in and of themselves, are seen as raging hormones, and women are viewed as hormonal nutters who never want sex.
None of this is actually trueโโโmen donโt always want sex(!) and women actually do want sex a whole lot of the time. Andโ our yearning for sex has to do with a lot more than just our hormones.
Sexual desire is a complex phenomenon. One thatโs affected by things such as our relationship with our partnerโ, โand our relationship with ourselves.
If youโre suffering from a lackluster libido, you might want to hold off on the conclusion that thereโs something wrong with your body just yet, and instead look to the following 3 reasons as possible explanations for your lacking drive. My guess is at least one of them will answer your question.
Here Are 3 Reasons Why Your Sex Drive Is Gone
1. You have sex to please your partner.
If I had to list only one culprit, it would perhaps be this one.
Sleeping with your partner to please them isnโt always a bad idea; but most of the time, at least from the perspective of a sex therapist, it is.
When it becomes the main reason you engage in sex with your partner, it tends to do a number on a lot of things, including your libido.
Do you ever feel pressured by your partner to have sex? Read How Sex Pressure From Males Can Permanently Diffuse A Femaleโs Sex Drive
Our sex drive is a kind of motivational system. In order for us to feel like having sex, we need to give our libido an incentive to kick into gear. But not just any old incentiveโโโit needs to be pleasure-based.
This means, if you have sex in order to get rid of a negative effect instead of trying to create a positive one, your sex drive will in time, diminish.
For example, instead of having sex in order to get closer to your partner or experience sexual pleasureโโโyou might be engaging in sex so you can stop your partner from bringing up how long itโs been.
Or to get your partner to stop nagging you.
Or to stop edging closer to you on the sofa while youโre watching Netflix.
Orโโโto not leave you.
But the more you experience sex as an unpleasant activity, the more your brain comes to view sex as something you should avoid. Effectively, it tries to get you to avoid it by shutting down your libido. After allโโโthe brain sees a thriving sex drive as the means to a grim end.
Having sex for the sole purpose of pleasing your partner can also lead to situations where sex feels like, or even turns into, sexual assault. If this is you, Iโd urge you to seek help from a professional. It doesnโt have to be like this.
For all of these reasons, and more, itโs important to refrain from having sex if you donโt actually want it or donโt enjoy it while youโre having it.
2. You are ashamed of your body.
When youโre asking yourself โwhy has my sexual desire decreasedโ, you might also want to look for the answer in the relationship you have with your body.
Sex is all about letting go and being in the momentโโโsomething thatโs often made difficult by focusing on how we look at certain angles during the act.
Shame about our bodies is often rooted in cultureโโโbe it the one that existed in our immediate family while growing up or society at large. Weโre taught from a young age that only certain body types or even skin types(!), are beautiful.
That the only people who are truly deserving of sexual pleasure are supposed to look a certain way.
That in order for us to be desired and feel desire, we need to be a certain kind of attractive. And for most of us โ all sexes in fact โ these ideals are unattainable.
This plunges us into a pit of shame. Shame about how we look, shame about how we feel about our bodies, even shame about feeling ashamedโโโweโre meant to be proud of our bodies, right?
Itโs like you canโt win.
Shame makes you feel bad, and when you feel bad about yourself, chances are you wonโt want to have sex. This might not be news, but itโs worth exploring if youโre experiencing shame about your bodyโโโbecause itโs likely impacting your libido negatively.
3. You and your partner have mismatched libidos.
If youโre in a monogamous relationship, desire discrepancy is probably one of the largest contributing factors to your suffering libido.
Feeling like you can never keep up with your partnersโ appetite for sex turns the whole thing stressful.
Every move your partner makes seems like itโs geared towards getting you turned on.
Every time they look at you they, seemingly, have sex in their eyes. This causes your brain to go into overdrive and a million and one thoughts about sex, your relationship, and your non-existent libido pop up.
The stress this all creates raises the cortisol levels in your body, and your body has to make a choice; either it can survive the threat the cortisol is telling your brain exists, or it can get you horny. And for most of usโโโour brain doesnโt choose horny.
Itโs not only the stress and angst brought on by your partnerโs libido that leads to your low libido. Itโs also affected by how the two of you handle the issue together.
Does your relationship suffer from low sex drive? Read Low Sexual Desire In Couples: 3 Ways To Deal With The Dilemma Of Intimacy
Two of the most common ways to handle the discrepancy are to either have too many (negative) conversations about sex or to not have enough of them. Itโs not your faultโโtalking about sex is difficult. Itโs a sensitive subject and weโve never been taught how to handle it properly.
But when sex is only ever talked about in a negative wayโโโor you dance around the topic because it fills you with worry or shameโโโyour libido fades.
The ‘Why’ tells you ‘How’
Low libido is common and can be distressing, especially if youโre unsure of why itโs happening in the first place. In order to find the answer to why your sex drive is gone, you need to address the following:
1. Examine the reasons youโre engaging in sex and ask yourself if youโre only doing it to please your partner. If soโโโitโs likely affecting your sex drive negatively.
2. Think about how you feel about your body and what your relationship with it is like. Itโs normal for a negative one to impact libido.
3. Consider you and your partnerโs differing desires and levels of libido. If theyโre not in sync (which they arenโt for most of us), and youโre experiencing difficulty dealing with itโโโit could be one of the main causes of your low drive.
Once you know why your sexual desire has decreasedโโโyou can start to take steps to increase it.
This will help you bring the excitement and spice back into your bedroom, just like the old days!
If you want to know more about low sexual desire, then you might like this video:
Written By Leigh Noren
Originally Appeared In therapybyleigh
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