3 Deep-Seated Reasons Why Your Sex Drive Is Gone

3 Deep-Seated Reasons Why Your Sex Drive Is Gone

Are you going through a dry spell in the bedroom? Have you been wondering why your sex drive is gone, despite having a great partner?

“Why has my sexual desire decreased?” — five words I hear strung together on a daily basis in my job as a sex therapist. Often, they’re accompanied by worry, sadness and sometimes even panic.

Losing our sexual spark can be distressing and all-consuming.
Most of us don’t know a whole lot about sexual desire, and what we think we know — is often wrong.

In pop culture, libido is portrayed as this instant, chemical reaction and the existence of which depends entirely on hormones.

Do you know want to know more about the reality of low sexual desire among couples? Read 15 Married Men And Women Confess Why They Stopped Having Sex with Each Other on Askreddit

Men, in and of themselves, are seen as raging hormones, and women are viewed as hormonal nutters who never want sex.

None of this is actually true — men don’t always want sex(!) and women actually do want sex a whole lot of the time. And  our yearning for sex has to do with a lot more than just our hormones.

Sexual desire is a complex phenomenon. One that’s affected by things such as our relationship with our partner ,  and our relationship with ourselves.

If you’re suffering from a lackluster libido, you might want to hold off on the conclusion that there’s something wrong with your body just yet, and instead look to the following 3 reasons as possible explanations for your lacking drive. My guess is at least one of them will answer your question.

Here Are 3 Reasons Why Your Sex Drive Is Gone

1. You have sex to please your partner.

If I had to list only one culprit, it would perhaps be this one.

Sleeping with your partner to please them isn’t always a bad idea; but most of the time, at least from the perspective of a sex therapist, it is.

When it becomes the main reason you engage in sex with your partner, it tends to do a number on a lot of things, including your libido.

Do you ever feel pressured by your partner to have sex? Read How Sex Pressure From Males Can Permanently Diffuse A Female’s Sex Drive

Our sex drive is a kind of motivational system. In order for us to feel like having sex, we need to give our libido an incentive to kick into gear. But not just any old incentive — it needs to be pleasure-based.

This means, if you have sex in order to get rid of a negative effect instead of trying to create a positive one, your sex drive will in time, diminish.

For example, instead of having sex in order to get closer to your partner or experience sexual pleasure — you might be engaging in sex so you can stop your partner from bringing up how long it’s been.

Or to get your partner to stop nagging you.

Or to stop edging closer to you on the sofa while you’re watching Netflix.

Or — to not leave you.

But the more you experience sex as an unpleasant activity, the more your brain comes to view sex as something you should avoid. Effectively, it tries to get you to avoid it by shutting down your libido. After all — the brain sees a thriving sex drive as the means to a grim end.

Having sex for the sole purpose of pleasing your partner can also lead to situations where sex feels like, or even turns into, sexual assault. If this is you, I’d urge you to seek help from a professional. It doesn’t have to be like this.

For all of these reasons, and more, it’s important to refrain from having sex if you don’t actually want it or don’t enjoy it while you’re having it.

2. You are ashamed of your body.

When you’re asking yourself “why has my sexual desire decreased”, you might also want to look for the answer in the relationship you have with your body.

Sex is all about letting go and being in the moment — something that’s often made difficult by focusing on how we look at certain angles during the act.

Shame about our bodies is often rooted in culture — be it the one that existed in our immediate family while growing up or society at large. We’re taught from a young age that only certain body types or even skin types(!), are beautiful.

That the only people who are truly deserving of sexual pleasure are supposed to look a certain way.

That in order for us to be desired and feel desire, we need to be a certain kind of attractive. And for most of us — all sexes in fact — these ideals are unattainable.

This plunges us into a pit of shame. Shame about how we look, shame about how we feel about our bodies, even shame about feeling ashamed — we’re meant to be proud of our bodies, right?

It’s like you can’t win.

Shame makes you feel bad, and when you feel bad about yourself, chances are you won’t want to have sex. This might not be news, but it’s worth exploring if you’re experiencing shame about your body — because it’s likely impacting your libido negatively.

3. You and your partner have mismatched libidos.

If you’re in a monogamous relationship, desire discrepancy is probably one of the largest contributing factors to your suffering libido.

Feeling like you can never keep up with your partners’ appetite for sex turns the whole thing stressful.

Every move your partner makes seems like it’s geared towards getting you turned on.
Every time they look at you they, seemingly, have sex in their eyes. This causes your brain to go into overdrive and a million and one thoughts about sex, your relationship, and your non-existent libido pop up.

The stress this all creates raises the cortisol levels in your body, and your body has to make a choice; either it can survive the threat the cortisol is telling your brain exists, or it can get you horny. And for most of us — our brain doesn’t choose horny. 

It’s not only the stress and angst brought on by your partner’s libido that leads to your low libido. It’s also affected by how the two of you handle the issue together.

Does your relationship suffer from low sex drive? Read Low Sexual Desire In Couples: 3 Ways To Deal With The Dilemma Of Intimacy

Two of the most common ways to handle the discrepancy are to either have too many (negative) conversations about sex or to not have enough of them. It’s not your fault —talking about sex is difficult. It’s a sensitive subject and we’ve never been taught how to handle it properly.

But when sex is only ever talked about in a negative way — or you dance around the topic because it fills you with worry or shame — your libido fades.

The ‘Why’ tells you ‘How’ 

Low libido is common and can be distressing, especially if you’re unsure of why it’s happening in the first place. In order to find the answer to why your sex drive is gone, you need to address the following:

1. Examine the reasons you’re engaging in sex and ask yourself if you’re only doing it to please your partner. If so — it’s likely affecting your sex drive negatively.

2. Think about how you feel about your body and what your relationship with it is like. It’s normal for a negative one to impact libido.

3. Consider you and your partner’s differing desires and levels of libido. If they’re not in sync (which they aren’t for most of us), and you’re experiencing difficulty dealing with it — it could be one of the main causes of your low drive.

Once you know why your sexual desire has decreased — you can start to take steps to increase it.

This will help you bring the excitement and spice back into your bedroom, just like the old days!

If you want to know more about low sexual desire, then you might like this video:




Written By Leigh Noren

Originally Appeared In therapybyleigh

3 Deep-Seated Reasons Why Your Sex Drive Is Gone
3 Deep-Seated Reasons Why Your Sex Drive Is Gone

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

— Follow Us —

Up Next

Forgiveness After The Storm

Forgiveness After The Storm

The muse of poetry in its depths stalls the ensue of thee,Drowning in the sparse spectacle of hope left, one dives into the waters of misery.Triabilsing in the painful stance of existence, death in its allure creeps behind,To be or not be in the bane of tormenting breaths, in their truth one seems to find,

The hostility that binds, convulsion in its gloating flair laughs hysterically at the corpse of being,Dreariness to live in its slow burn writhes the only ounce of light left to see.The void of embracing the freshness of unadulterated air forges to question the beauty,Of living a life that could lead in the lightness of radiance and the smiles of unbridled glee.

The trueness of being lapses in the oscillation of turbulence and the sea of calm,Yet the tides of uncertain syllables that breed animosity render the sou

Up Next

Beyond Materialism: The Psychological Motivations Behind Retail Therapy

Beyond Materialism

Most people can understand the happiness that comes from purchasing something for oneself when we talk about needing some retail therapy. Can shopping truly improve our mood? Clinical psychologist Scott Bea, PsyD, affirms that shopping can have psychological and therapeutic benefits as long as it is done in moderation, according to research. Engaging in shopping activities, whether online or in person, can provide a psychological and emotional boost. Even just browsing can bring happiness, but it’s important to be mindful of your spending habits. Dr. Bea outlines various explanations for the phenomenon.

Shopping helps to regain a feeling of power or authority

Research demonstrates that engaging in shopping activities can help individuals feel more in control of their

Up Next

Mind Over Met Gala: Analyzing the Intersection of Fashion and Mental Health in 2024

Mind Over Met Gala

The most confidential information about the 2024 Met Gala, which will take place on the first Monday in May, is now known. A total of 250 objects, many of which have never been seen in public before, will be on display in the Costume Institute’s “Sleeping Beauties: Reawakening Fashion” exhibition at The Metropolitan Museum of Art in 2024. Before the much-awaited event, Vogue is compiling all of the information we currently know.

What theme will the 2024 Met Gala have?

The official dress code for the 2024 Met Gala is “The Garden of Time,” in honour of the Costume Institute’s upcoming exhibition, “Sleeping Beauties: Reawakening Fashion.” About 250 rare objects from the Costume Institute’s permanent collection will be on display. The designs, which span more than 400 years of f

Up Next

The Aesthetic Epidemic: Understanding the Roots of Lookism

The Aesthetic Epidemic

We care about more than just ourselves – we care about our loved ones, our communities, and the world around us. We are affected by tragic events, especially when a child is murdered, regardless of where it happens. It deeply impacts us and makes us feel disheartened. Moral evils raise doubts about the goodness of the world and the value of existence, especially for those who believe in a benevolent deity. However, anyone can contemplate the purpose and value of the universe in light of such evils. We may not need to worry about the value of the Universe and instead focus on finding value in our own lives or the lives of our loved ones. The concept of value is subjective and can be created by us.

The important question is what we should value or find pleasure in. Some people may try to ignore moral evil by focusing only on their own lives and loved ones, but this narrow perspective is unsatisfying for most. I

Up Next

An Open Letter To The Hustlers

An Open Letter To The Hustlers

To be or not to be, to go all in or to unwind and relax, we question our dreams, running in constant chase of our quests to come true, we are the ones who never sleep. Dreamers we are called, the ones who passionately strive in the endeavours of the best they could ever be, here is a letter to me, a letter to you. In the stride of embracing the best you have ever been, nurture your soul before the onset of the abundance in you that lies unseen.

Too bold, too much for your age, you are doing too much, how often have you heard these notions been used to describe you? As we tirelessly strive to achieve the next goal we have in our mind, we are often told that we are being hard on ourselves, to enjoy life a little. Life in its entirety passes by us in its dynamic flair, and the existence we envisage holds unique individuality to each one of us. The choices one makes for themselves belies them and them only, and t

Up Next

How To Remain Centered And Calm In Face Of Difficulty

My life is a mess and I have nothing to be grateful about! I witness myself say this phrase from time to time, where life plonks us into the desperation of ebb and flow of wilderness and things not going in our favour.

It is easy to say we are grateful and in complete balance when things are going well and life feels like the warm embrace of the sun shining on a Sunday morning. But the real test lies in remaining grateful and centred when life feels like spinning out of control.

While it is easier said than done, here are some reminders that might help you get through the days that feel like a burden –

1) This too shall pass, no moment in time that feels permanent loses its impermanence. We often lose hope when things don’t go our way and during these sad days, we should remember, that t

Up Next

15 Most Liberating Thoughts For Someone Who Needs It

Our life unfolds in a succession of revelations of who we are. It is when we sit down and repeat the same sentence in our head over and over again, in every action we perform, every activity we indulge ourselves in, does it indulges into our existence as a habit.

The key to having a sense of liberation is allowing life to flow through, not forcing anything and more essentially not resisting change. I believe that our life improves in the direct proportionality of how often we are exposed to situations where are forced to challenge our age-old beliefs and counterfeited perceptions and seek the greater version of ourselves. When we get too comfortable in the comfort zones we build for ourselves, we do not grow into the people we are meant to be. Sadly most people embrace change only when metamorphosis is the less painful and only possible option.

I know that