Loving an Unlovable Woman

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Loving an Unlovable Woman

No one is really unlovable. And when it comes to loving an unlovable woman, it’s a process but when you get to know her, you will know that she’s a hidden gem.

Do men’s insecurities teach women they aren’t good enough? 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard women say it. I heard it again the other day in my office from a client. I’ve heard it from friends. It doesn’t matter how smart, how fun, how caring, how successful, or how attractive women are. They believe it…”I am unlovable.”

Loving an Unlovable Woman
Loving an Unlovable Woman: How To Love The Unlovable Woman

Loving an Unlovable Woman

These women have so much going for them. And yet they believe that no one wants to be with them.

From one perspective it is difficult to understand how they can come to this conclusion. How they can not see all that they have to offer to a partner? However, as I listen to their stories I begin to see why they believe it. It is because men have told them they are. Over and over and over again.

I’m sure most men will claim that they’ve never said a woman was unlovable. And that’s probably true…at least with those exact words.

But what about in other words? How many of you have ever claimed a woman was over-emotional, over-reacting, too demanding, high maintenance, clingy, crazy, controlling, or irrational? Maybe you’ve told a woman that no one could live up to her expectations.

How many of you have ever claimed a woman was over-emotional, over-reacting, too demanding, high maintenance, clingy, crazy, controlling, or irrational.

If these comments aren’t enough, men back them up with some tired tropes about relationships. I hear them in therapy all too often. A good relationship shouldn’t take so much work. I don’t want to have to talk about everything. There shouldn’t be so many ups and downs…why can’t we just be happy?

She just wants to complain, while I want to fix the situation for her. I spend time watching TV or playing video games in the room with her, how much more of my time does she want?

Instead of saying, “I don’t want the same things in a relationship that you do,” too often men feel the need to tell women that what they want is wrong or bad. Giving that framing, how can women hear anything other than, “you are unlovable?”

Related: 5 Things You Can Do To Show Your Woman You Love Her

What gets overlooked is the fact that we can spin the male perspective in the same way men often spin what women are asking for. I don’t want to do the work it takes to be in a relationship with someone as smart, strong, and in touch with their emotions as you are. I don’t want to have to be on my toes or be challenged to keep up with you. I want to take the easy way out. I don’t want to have to make myself vulnerable enough to connect emotionally or to be present with you.

I don’t want to have to make myself vulnerable enough to connect emotionally or to be present with you.

Those are exactly what those criticisms of women are really about. It isn’t that the women are bad, or over the top. It is that many men don’t want to do the work it takes to be with a strong, smart, independent woman. And to feel good about themselves, they frame their partner as the one that is not normal. It is how they justify their unwillingness to work harder.

The difficult part is that they often get away with it. This has been going on for so long that many women buy into it to. They hold themselves back, they don’t show their intelligence or personality because they have been taught that men won’t like it. Men use the fact that some women do that as evidence that other women are asking for too much. It is a damaging cycle.

Related: 10 Love Resolutions For The Single Woman

Unfortunately, it gets worse. Despite the fact that in the end, many men don’t want to do the work it takes to be with them, men are often wildly attracted to smart, strong, intelligent, passionate, authentic women. Men see the positive energy, fire and authenticity and want to be a part of it. They will virtually orbit those women just to be around them.

Despite the fact that in the end, many men don’t want to do the work it takes to be with them, men are often wildly attracted to smart, strong, intelligent, passionate, authentic women.

Loving an Unlovable Woman
How To Love A Woman: Loving An Unlovable Woman

When those men come to realize that this type of woman takes more than they are able or willing to give, it seldom ends well. The attraction is still there, but men don’t want to accept that it is their lack of effort that is the issue. They’d rather criticize the woman for having the very traits that made her attractive in the first place.

Some men simply fade away, leaving the woman to believe she was undesirable. Other men revert to those same claims about how it is the woman’s fault. They tell women that they want too much and are being unreasonable.

Then there are the men rushing for a monogamous relationship. If the woman says no, he can resort to the claims of how she’ll never find a man. If she says yes, it not only helps eliminate competition, it also adds claims of obligation and commitment to their arsenal to defend not putting effort into the relationship.

Women that aren’t afraid to show that they have intelligence, passion, and more are given the message they are unlovable.

However it plays out, the cycle is perpetuated. Women that aren’t afraid to show that they have intelligence, passion and more are given the message they are unlovable.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

There is a different type of man. One who believes that a woman like this is worth investing time and energy into. That having a woman like this in his life makes him a better man. That there is value in having to stay on his toes, having to think, having to make an effort. That a relationship like this is not only worth the effort, but substantively different than anything he’ll experience elsewhere.

Even if you don’t want to invest the effort it takes, own your choice. Don’t pin the fact that you won’t work for what you are attracted to on her. Instead of telling her she is somehow flawed or less than, respectfully admit that you aren’t interested in investing in a relationship with her. Don’t protect your own ego by crushing hers.

Related: 11 Things You Must Know About Loving a Strong, Powerful Woman

After all, what kind of man do you want to be?
Do you want your woman to be left feeling unlovable or do you want to appreciate her?


Written by Jay Blevins
Originally appeared on Good Men Project

Published here with the author's permission.
Loving an Unlovable Woman
Loving an Unlovable Woman
Loving an Unlovable Woman
Loving an Unlovable Woman
Loving Unlovable Woman pin
Loving an Unlovable Woman

24 responses to “Loving an Unlovable Woman”

  1. carrmic Avatar

    Not all women are that much work or that needy. This article sounds like it’s talking about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) women, and trying to justify abuse from women that have those disorders. If a man is feeling like he cannot do enough in a relationship to satisfy an over-demanding woman, he may be right, and in that case he will be bled dry trying, and lose all self esteem of his own, and a huge piece of his life and soul. I think this article can be dangerous if applied to those situations, as it would further push abused men to accept such abuse as normal and his own fault. If someone’s gut is making them feel that their partner may be unloveable, in his particular instance he may be right. There is a right way to foster self esteem, and terrible ways to crush it. Take a good look at who you are dealing with before you apply the information in this article. It could keep you stuck in a cycle of abuse if that’s what is happening in your case.

  2. Valeaua Avatar

    So, your a strong, smart, independent women. Good for you.
    It must be a good reason that I should be demanding. I love you just the way you are but you need to be like this, like that. What? I am a lovable person. Forget about your masculinity and the role of leader you are comfortable with. I am independent and you don’t seem to be of much help but presently more of a dead weight. You don’t feel needed? Well that just because your leisy.

  3. Ioanna Chrysomalli Avatar

    So true…it explains a lot about my thoughts about this matter.. Thank you for sharing

  4. Charmaine Haig Avatar

    Well written article… Very honest!

  5. Ruby Avatar

    The only way to stop a fire, is to stop adding to it. Women need to stand up and start calling their men on their BS. If he isn’t good enough, tell him. He may not believe you, or stay with you, but you will be better for it. Lets all stop adjusting to fit relationships. Great article.

  6. Carole Zaza Avatar

    I would make that a definitive ‘yes’ … and it’s too bad.

  7. Claire Lisin Avatar

    Thank you for this.

  8. Kelly-Anne Foley Avatar

    This, sad as it sounds, all seems to make a fair bit of sense and seems to explain some things a damn site more clearly. Thanks..

  9. Sharon Hazenski Fiorini Avatar

    Maria Maira this is so spot on.

  10. Jillian Fidler Avatar

    Reassuring. But a shame it has to be.

  11. Karinna Coelho Barlow Avatar

    This article is great! So true. Love it!

  12. Priya Kumar Avatar

    This article spoke my mind. A.k. Anitta read it..

  13. Susan Djokosudirgo Avatar

    Cc Louise Sari Koeswoyo

  14. Brionnie Patten Avatar

    I found this uncomfortable to read to be honest!

  15. Pia Nussbaum Avatar

    Just great TMJ !

  16. Janine Frost Avatar

    Thank you for sharing this 🙂

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