I hear people say all the time…
I love my husband/wife but I’m not “In Love” with him/her.
I’m just not sure if I love them anymore.
I love them but he/she said I don’t love you anymore, is my love enough?
This kind of statement can be extremely confusing not to mention painful and disheartening.
So I wanted to share a few truths I have come to know about love after helping hundreds of individuals and couples get through various crises points and difficult times to have a more loving, happy and rewarding marriage.
Marriage Advice – 3 truths about love
1. LOVE is an ACTION, not a feeling you get from another person.
Love is an experience you receive as a result of doing loving acts for someone you care about. Not what you get.
You “make love” in the marriage, you build it through acts that show love. The trick is to give the love and take the action your spouse needs and wants. The problem is we often go about satisfying our partner’s needs with what matters to us. When we do that, we neglect the opportunity to create a deeper connection and more happiness. Therefore it’s not rocket science or tricky to fall back “in love”. It’s about looking after your partners deepest needs and in doing so showing them how much you care. I talk about Men’s and Women’s 6 top needs in episode #4 of the Nicola Beer Show with co-host Eddie Skerritt on affairs check it out here https://youtu.be/MfJlU2FBsN4 and be sure to subscribe to the show so you don’t miss any.
2. LOVE is not something you Find it’s something you CREATE
The majority of us falsely assume from love stories in tabloids and movies that all you need to do is find that special someone and that’s it you will live happily ever after. We all know that’s not true, yet on some level we often expect it.
When people say to me in couple therapy they don’t feel love or they are not “in love” I ask them what actions they have taken to demonstrate their love for their spouse and often they can’t answer. The reason people often don’t feel “in love” is because they’re not doing anything… they are waiting for love to come and motivate them first and… only then they will act. So they hit a stalemate, get caught in a trap… Where they stay stuck in a love-deprived relationship for days, months or years. Waiting for something to change, yet no one is willing to give. At the end, they blame the break-down of the marriage on communication, lack of sex, family or financial differences, yet in reality without any loving acts… how can a couple stay connected? The real problem is the marriage is starved of loving selfless gestures.
If you think about it, there is absolutely nothing in life that is worth having that does not require an effort to both achieve and then maintain. Things in life either grow or they die, it’s the law of nature. Relationships are no different they need to be nurtured, paid attention to, cared for and tended to.
If you want to feel more love or fall back “in love” you need to make acts of love part of your daily routine. The more you do, the better, and the more your lover is likely to reciprocate. What do you want to experience more of right now in your relationship, more excitement, affection, attention, appreciation, fun, support, care, security? It’s all possible to create.
3. Unconditional Love is extremely rare, don’t expect it
If someone ignores, hurts or annoys you, it’s unrealistic for them to expect you to always love them. Similarly, if you act out towards your spouse, again and again, they are likely to change the way they think, act and feel towards you. So don’t expect unconditional love to be there. Don’t take your spouse for granted. Make an effort to make them smile, show empathy and kindness.
Love is a deeply personal and individual thing, it can mean something entirely different to than it does to me. Here is my perspective on Love.