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How A Good Marriage Helps Heal Our Deepest Wounds

A Good Marriage Helps Heal Deepest Wounds

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When you decide to get married to your partner, you do not just promise on a lifetime of togetherness, you also promise to take care of each other and always have each other’s backs. However, not every marriage has the potential of turning into a good marriage.

A good marriage can even help you heal from past wounds. 

Many times, it has been seen that a good marriage has done wonders when it comes to solving deep-seated issues in people. It might take some considerable amount of time and quite a few bumps along the way, but the sun will shine again.

“The great marriages are partnerships. It can’t be a great marriage without being a partnership.” – Helen Mirren

A Partner as Healer

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Linda: Judith Wallerstein, the author of The Good Marriage, taught me the phrase “rescue marriage.” I immediately grasped that she meant that in a marriage, there is a vast potential for helping in the process of rescuing us from the pain of our past.

So many people grow up in dysfunctional families of all kinds.

There are families scarred by the ravages of addiction to alcohol, drugs, or sex. There are families that are cold distant and non-communicative, devoid of affectionate words and touch. And there are those who use physical and/or verbal violence to manipulate and control. The children emerging from these families are wounded.

 

A good marriage nurse our wounds to the point where we become healthy and whole once again.

I was one of those wounded children. When I met Charlie at age twenty-two, I was still painfully shy, quiet, and fearful. When he would shout at me or ignore me, I would be traumatized and deteriorate into a small girl of four years old. Such regression happened hundreds of times in the early years of our marriage. In the vast majority of those times, Charlie never knew it was happening. I was withdrawn into myself, feeling alone and despairing. I came to refer to these episodes as “falling into the well of grief.”

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As the trust and commitment in our relationship grew, I was able to speak to him about what I was experiencing: “I am a small, thin, delicate girl. I’ve fallen into a deep dark well. I’m terrified. I am so despairing that I don’t even bother to shout for help. I don’t believe that anyone will come to rescue me from the well. I believe that I will die there.”

Charlie made me promise that I would call out to him for help when I found myself at the bottom of the well. The ratio between the times I suffered in silence and the times when I called for assistance began to change. As I felt a bit stronger and more deserving of being rescued, I called out in a bratty voice, “Why doesn’t anybody come to help me!” This way of asking for help had problems of its own, but at least it was a step in the right direction. Over time, with thousands of repetitions, I was able to ask for help in a responsible way. I came to learn to trust that I was not alone.

“True love stands by each other’s side on good days and stands closer on bad days.” – Unknown

I still occasionally fall into the well of grief. I have learned how to find my own strength to climb up the rock wall to get myself out. I know how to self soothe and be a good parent to my own inner child. I can allow others to love me, stroke me, and soothe me. I have even found some redeeming value in my past suffering that has allowed me to become capable of helping others because I know the territory so well.

I will have the deepest debt of gratitude all my life, to my dear husband, who lowered down the rope, gave me a hand up, and loved me so thoroughly and comprehensively that he rescued me from my limiting beliefs about my worth. He has been a powerful healer of my past wounds. I don’t believe that I could have done it without his help.

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Linda and Charlie Bloomhttp://bloomwork.com/
Linda Bloom, LCSW and Charlie Bloom, MSW have been trained as psychotherapists and relationship counselors and have worked with individuals, couples, groups, and organizations since 1975. They have lectured and taught at universities and learning institutes throughout the USA, including the Esalen Institute, the Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health, 1440 Multiversity, and many others.  They have taught seminars in many countries throughout the world. They have co-authored four books, 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last, Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth From Real Couples About Lasting Love, Happily Ever After And 39 Other Myths About Love, and That Which Doesn't Kill Us: How One Couple Became Stronger at the Broken Places. They have been married since 1972 and are the parents of two adult children and three grandsons. Linda and Charlie live in Santa Cruz, California. Their website is www.bloomwork.com
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