How to stop the blame game in a relationship? The following article has some really interesting insights into the problem of the relationship blame game that many modern couples are facing.
How to effectively respond to the blame game in relationships and enhance your marriage? Blame in any relationship is challenging to deal with, even more so in marriage. Your natural instinct may be to blame back.
All this does is create more tension. Husbands and wives who blame each other for their unhappiness, actions, and inactions find that they get stuck in a spiral of resentment, where they start building a case against each other.
I don’t want this for you. If you’re being blamed for everything in your relationship or you are both trapped blaming one another – this article will hopefully help you put an end to this.
How To Stop The Blame Game In A Relationship
The first thing when looking to rid your relationship of blame is recognizing what purpose blame may serve to an individual. Some people revert to blaming others because it protects their self-esteem by diverting attention away from themselves.
Others revert to blame because they have learned early on in life that it is painful to be wrong or in the wrong.
Some people blame because it is easier than facing the truth. Then there are some of us who were raised by parents who never took responsibility for their actions.
Related: You Won’t Find True Love Until You Accept These 10 Things
When you are able to take a look at what blame is doing for your spouse and have compassion you will be on the path towards a blame-free marriage.
I will share a few stories (names changed ) and what has worked with couples who joined my Empowered Love online program.
First, let’s explore whether the blame game is happening in your relationship.
Signs of blame in marriage – what statements are true for you?
- My partner often blames me for our marriage problems.
- My partner often blames me for his/her unhappiness.
- We are both fed up with certain aspects of our marriage
- My partner refuses to acknowledge their contribution to the problems
- My partner blames me for their behaviour
- Whenever I try to discuss our relationship with my partner I end up being blamed
- My partner refuses to talk about certain issues
- I refuse to acknowledge my contribution to the problems
- I shut down when I am blamed or retaliate
The more of these signs of blame game that exist in your relationship the bigger the blame is impacting your marriage’s happiness.
A common question I often get asked is “Nicola what can I do / should I do when my husband/ wife blames me for the marriage problems?
Here are some reasons why your husband or wife may blame you
Why Your Spouse Blames You
1. Protect Self-Esteem
When we blame something or someone else for our behavior we take away the responsibility and focus away from us.
Claire and Roberto were fighting over Claire’s sex drive. She was not in the mood for sex after the birth of their second child. She becomes less and less interested and more and more frustrated with her husband’s advances.
She was tired of doing everything single-handedly in the home, whilst Roberto worked and went out more and more, she felt more and more resentful and isolated.
He blamed her for the marriage problems stating that her withholding sex made him stressed and needing to go out and let off steam. He felt it was her problem to fix her low libido.
Claire blamed Roberto, that if he was a more helpful, cheerful, and supportive husband, she would find him more attractive and want to be intimate with him. They were stuck in this vicious cycle of blame and neither felt loved or heard.
Both were refusing to look at their own behavior as it was far easier to blame than to look within and be willing to make changes. Both secretly felt “I don’t want to have to change, they are the one that needs to change.”
When we blame others for what we say, think, and do; we give away our power. It also damages the relationship because we stop acknowledging and addressing the real problems.
Ignored issues only get bigger.
The often unconscious thought process for those who blame their spouse is “If I blame myself I will feel inadequate. If I blame my spouse I may get what I want.” It never works but thinking this way may make them continue to find reassurance in blaming.
Mike was having a stressful time in the office and instead of blaming work, he was blaming his wife for his stress because she didn’t make the home as tidy and as quiet as he liked.
For such men and women, their spouse is playing the role of the scapegoat. It protects the self-esteem but it harms the marriage.
The more a person is insecure the more they will resort to blaming. This is where compassion can come in recognizing that blaming is often not personal, just a way of coping with insecurities.
Related: 9 Differences Between True Love & Emotional Dependency
2. Blaming is Habitual
Sometimes people blame because that is what they have learned to do throughout their lives, where blaming has become a habit.
Often a person will pick this up from a parent or influential figure growing up. People who do this may not know how to deal with conflict or relationship problems in a healthy way. I have someone like this in my close family, it still amazes me how they are never at fault.
To the point where even if they did something, they would blame it on someone else for not telling them to or not to. They will even blame the TV or radio show for their actions!
It took me some time to realize that these people can’t tolerate responsibility for their actions.
I used to get angry but now I really feel for them, they don’t have another way to deal with problems or the courage to look within or accept they may have made a mistake.
Related: 2 Reasons Why The Abuser Blames You Even When You Are The Victim
3. Blame for Change
The great thing about a partner who blames is that they are expressing their viewpoint and the existence of problems. This is healthier for the marriage than bottling up frustrations inside.
Denial of problems and burying one’s head in the sand makes it far more difficult to resolve issues. It is also a sign of wanting the relationship to change for the better.
A person who blames will stop blaming you if they no longer care about the relationship. When people give up complaining it is often because they feel hopeless.
So even if they see the only way to improve the marriage as you’re improving yourself, it’s an indication they care. and you can use the blame to create change.
Related: The Narcissist Blames You! It’s ALWAYS Your Fault
Why Do We Need To Stop the Blame Game In Relationship?
Blaming is self-destructive – it disempowering rather than empowering. It hurts the relationship and blocks closeness. The fact is people who blame others create more negativity for themselves and others.
If you allow your spouse to repeatedly blame you, you will eventually emotionally reject your spouse. There is nothing loving about allowing yourself to be someone’s victim and vice versa.
Marriage counseling often focuses on blame. Where a couple goes and each takes turns to share why they think their partner is at fault for the problems. Which is why my approach to strengthening marriages is very different. There is no blame or no painful conversations.
I meet many couples who get caught up in the blame game through marriage counseling and leave feeling worse off and further apart than ever before.
This is why the Empowered Love online program ensures results through actions or I give a money-back guarantee. It’s because I know the only way to lasting change is through inspired, loving action.
Occasionally people who play the blame game in a relationship, want marital counseling because they want the marriage therapist to side with them in blaming their spouse.
This does not help the couple either, whether the marriage therapist agrees or doesn’t agree it is not going to make things any better.
Some people desperately want the marriage therapist to say their partner is wrong and when they don’t they blame the marriage counselor for not being very good.
Talking alone does not save a marriage, actions do, which is why forward-focused coaching is far more effective in marriage transformation.
Related: Beware Of Projection: A Blame-Shifting Tactic Of The Extreme Narcissist
If you have not yet seen the marriage secret masterclass 60-minute video you can do so, using this link – it shows you how to bring about lasting change in your relationship and become closer. https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration
Remember who is right and who is wrong ultimately is not the issue here. The real issue is what you can do to increase the love and connection between you and your spouse
I hope you found this useful. Next week I will share more on blame with more steps you can take to deal with a spouse that blames you for everything, so stay tuned for that.
From my heart to yours,
Nicola Beer
Written by Nicola Beer Originally appeared on LinkedIn
So, how to stop the blame game in a relationship in the best possible way, according to you? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
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