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Before You Tie the Knot, Ask These 25 Things

Things to Know Before you tie the knot

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Casually dating someone, to getting married – though sounds same, but they are completely two different experiences. Moving from one to the other should be well thought of, gradual process and should never be rushed in, if we want the marriage to last.

That’s why it’s important to take the time to really get to know your partner and make sure you are on the same page about what kind of couple you want to be.

So before you tie the knot, here are the top 25 things that everyone should know before getting married.

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25 Things to Know About Your Partner Before You Tie the Knot

If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone says, “If I knew that about him (or her) before we got married, I wouldn’t have been so quick to go ahead with the wedding”, or something to that effect, I wouldn’t necessarily be rich, but you probably get the point.

There are a lot of reasons why we intentionally choose not to ask questions of our prospective life-partner that we would like to have answers to, including fear of being perceived as being intrusive, or pushy, or disrespectful, or demanding, or inappropriate or just too much.

And yet, engaging in the dialogue that can ensue from these questions can be the very thing that we need to do in order to support the health and vitality of our relationship and to minimize the likelihood of being “broadsided” by some very unsettling revelations further down the road.

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” – Sam Keen, To Love and Be Loved

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Contrary to popular belief, what you don’t know can hurt you, and seeking to diminish the scope of what we don’t know can help us to avoid, anticipate, or prepare for predictable challenges that could show up further down the road. While it is by no means always easy of comfortable to introduce sensitive issues or highly personal concerns, in doing so we are revealing a lot about ourselves, including our willingness to go out on the edge with our questions and concerns. We are also implicitly stating that we are willing to answer them ourselves and letting our partner know that we value honesty, self-disclosure, and openness in a relationship.

Of course, timing is everything and we do not recommend you apply this questionnaire on a first date. It is meant to be implemented at the time at which a long-term committed partnership is being contemplated for any of the questions that haven’t already been answered. There are no “correct” or “incorrect” answers to these questions. They are intended to promote a dialogue that can help both you and your partner to answer the question, “How good a fit are we really, and can we manage to find ways to bridge the gaps that may be present in our relationship?

Feel free to modify this list or add questions of your own!

How did your partner and people in your partner’s family deal with differences between each other?

“You don’t love someone because they’re perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they’re not.” – Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

Differences inevitably show up in relationships, whether they are relationships between spouses, between parents and children, co-workers, friends, roommates, or neighbors. We all learn by observation and tend to be inclined to replay the patterns that were practiced in our family of origin. Examples include avoidance, denial, manipulation, confrontation, reconciliation, intimidation, threatening, submission, authoritarian, accommodation, and domination. Patterns are not set in stone and can be modified but most do have a predisposition to play them out until we expand our repertoire of responses.

1. If you have children, how will childcare responsibilities be fulfilled?

2. How is your partner’s current relationship with her parents? If they are not living, how was it before they died?

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Linda and Charlie Bloomhttp://bloomwork.com/
Linda Bloom, LCSW and Charlie Bloom, MSW have been trained as psychotherapists and relationship counselors and have worked with individuals, couples, groups, and organizations since 1975. They have lectured and taught at universities and learning institutes throughout the USA, including the Esalen Institute, the Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health, 1440 Multiversity, and many others.  They have taught seminars in many countries throughout the world. They have co-authored four books, 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last, Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth From Real Couples About Lasting Love, Happily Ever After And 39 Other Myths About Love, and That Which Doesn't Kill Us: How One Couple Became Stronger at the Broken Places. They have been married since 1972 and are the parents of two adult children and three grandsons. Linda and Charlie live in Santa Cruz, California. Their website is www.bloomwork.com
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