Things to Know Before you tie the knot
Casually dating someone, to getting married – though sounds same, but they are completely two different experiences. Moving from one to the other should be well thought of, gradual process and should never be rushed in, if we want the marriage to last.
That’s why it’s important to take the time to really get to know your partner and make sure you are on the same page about what kind of couple you want to be.
So before you tie the knot, here are the top 25 things that everyone should know before getting married.
25 Things to Know About Your Partner Before You Tie the Knot
If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone says, “If I knew that about him (or her) before we got married, I wouldn’t have been so quick to go ahead with the wedding”, or something to that effect, I wouldn’t necessarily be rich, but you probably get the point.
There are a lot of reasons why we intentionally choose not to ask questions of our prospective life-partner that we would like to have answers to, including fear of being perceived as being intrusive, or pushy, or disrespectful, or demanding, or inappropriate or just too much.
And yet, engaging in the dialogue that can ensue from these questions can be the very thing that we need to do in order to support the health and vitality of our relationship and to minimize the likelihood of being “broadsided” by some very unsettling revelations further down the road.
“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” – Sam Keen, To Love and Be Loved
Contrary to popular belief, what you don’t know can hurt you, and seeking to diminish the scope of what we don’t know can help us to avoid, anticipate, or prepare for predictable challenges that could show up further down the road. While it is by no means always easy or comfortable to introduce sensitive issues or highly personal concerns, in doing so we are revealing a lot about ourselves, including our willingness to go out on the edge with our questions and concerns. We are also implicitly stating that we are willing to answer them ourselves and letting our partner know that we value honesty, self-disclosure, and openness in a relationship.
Of course, timing is everything and we do not recommend you apply this questionnaire on a first date. It is meant to be implemented at the time at which a long-term committed partnership is being contemplated for any of the questions that haven’t already been answered. There are no “correct” or “incorrect” answers to these questions. They are intended to promote a dialogue that can help both you and your partner to answer the question, “How good a fit are we really, and can we manage to find ways to bridge the gaps that may be present in our relationship?
Feel free to modify this list or add questions of your own!
How did your partner and people in your partner’s family deal with differences between each other?
“You don’t love someone because they’re perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they’re not.” – Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper
Differences inevitably show up in relationships, whether they are relationships between spouses, between parents and children, co-workers, friends, roommates, or neighbors. We all learn by observation and tend to be inclined to replay the patterns that were practiced in our family of origin. Examples include avoidance, denial, manipulation, confrontation, reconciliation, intimidation, threatening, submission, authoritarian, accommodation, and domination. Patterns are not set in stone and can be modified but most do have a predisposition to play them out until we expand our repertoire of responses.
1. If you have children, how will childcare responsibilities be fulfilled?
2. How is your partner’s current relationship with her parents? If they are not living, how was it before they died?
3. If your partner has siblings, what is the nature of their current relationship with each other?
4. Does she consider herself a ‘spender’ or a “saver”?
5. Does he believe in giving (and receiving) unsolicited opinions or advice?
6. When it comes to dealing with differences or conflict, does he consider himself on the “avoidant” end of the spectrum or the “volatile” end, or in the middle?
7. What is the best way to support your partner when they are feeling stressed out or upset?
8. How does she feel about the distribution of housework responsibilities?
9. How would she characterize the nature of her parents’ relationship?
10. How does he feel about having friendships with people of the opposite sex?
11. Do they have a life purpose, and if so what do they see it as being?
12. What is it about you that makes them want to spend their life with you?
13. Is there anything about you that they are concerned about might be a problem for them in the future?
14. Are there any subjects that are “off-limits” to discuss and if so, what are they?
15. If your partner has had previously committed partnerships what is the current nature of their relationship?
16. How significant a part of their life does religion play?
17. If you have children what religious tradition(s) will they be raised in?
18. How will financial resources and obligations, personal and joint, be handled?
19. If either of you has a parent who is in need of care how would you want it to be handled?
20. How important do you consider sex to be for a fulfilling life and relationship?
21. How willing would your partner be to seek professional help if you hit a bump in the road that you were unable to get through?
22. What are your partner’s thoughts and views on pornography?
23. How do your partner most enjoy having love shown to them?
24. Do you have any “deal-breakers” and if so what are they?
25. What is your picture of where we will be in our lives and in our relationship in 2030?
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Now, do not think that your relationship should be based on a questionnaire and without these questions, you can never know your partner. Getting to know your partner gradually is what love is all about. The more you spend time with a person, the more you get to know about him. And the more you know something about a person, the easier it will be for you to spend your life with him is pure bliss.
This by no means is a complete list, but it is a good starter kit.
Feel free to ask questions of your own and
If You Want To Know More About This, Check Out The Video Below:
We’re giving away 3 e-books absolutely free of charge. The Ten Biggest Things We’ve Learned Since We Got Married, Your Guide to Great Sex, and An End to Arguing.
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Written by Linda and Charlie Bloom
Originally appeared in Psychology today
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