How To Be The Man She Deserves

Being The Man She Deserves

“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.” – William Shakespeare

Let’s face it. Being a man is not easy. Life can be very challenging and demanding for a man as we try to manage our way through work, paying bills, fixing our house and car, running errands, taking care of the kids, trying to squeeze in a little me time and facing the innumerable challenges life throws at us. And amidst it all, perhaps we forget the most important thing we need to do.

The thing we should want to do the most. Giving our Woman some time. Being a man she deserves

Where we fail as men

“Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.” – Zig Ziglar

“I want more from you,” she says.

He listens, scanning stock prices on his phone.

“Did you hear me?” she says.

“I’m listening. I’m listening,” he says.

“Can I have five minutes without the phone?”

“What! What’s going on?” He can tell he’s failed her in some way. He continues scanning his phone.

“Is now a good time to talk?” she says.

“No, but…”

“Then let’s talk later,” she says.

“Now you got me going. You’re going to leave me hanging? What’s up?”

“You didn’t hear the first thing I said, did you?”

He shakes his head. “What did you say?” Again, his failure as a man to listen. Oh well, he thinks.

“Can you put your phone on airplane mode for five minutes, if we’re going to talk?”

“Ok, ok.” He puts his phone aside. “So, what’s up?”

“I feel like we’ve been very disconnected lately. You’ve been super busy at work. I’ve been preoccupied with my big exhibition.”

“It’s as if we’re losing each other. I want to be more connected with you. The way it’s been lately… it’s as if we’re not even in a relationship. It’s as if we are strangers cohabitating. And then I begin to wonder, what’s the point?

“I want us to make an effort to spend more time together.”

His mind starts racing, defending. He feels attacked.

What the hell? She knows I have no time now. Why is she so needy?

He’s not even sure what that she wants. But it feels like it’s not who he is.

 

The need to be Hu’MAN’

“A real man loves his wife, and places his family as the most important thing in life.”  – Frank Abagnale

It’s like she wants him to be one of her girlfriends. To listen to all her talk about her emotional state and her feelings. He often feels overwhelmed by this.

His male brain works in fewer words. His male heart struggles when he feels her challenge him. It’s as if he’s failed her. She’s not happy.

He wonders, is it me or just who she is?

If it’s him, he feels his failure. If it’s who she is, he just wants to run.

His rational – transactional mind commands him. It’s how he lives his life.

  • Broken car, fix it.
  • Erroneous credit card charge, reverse it.
  • Engineering challenge, get it right.

While the world rewards him for this, a different set of skills is needed with his beloved. And it challenges everything at his core about being a man.

It refutes his identity of fixing things, of getting things right, and his perception of his strength as a man. He feels as if he has to give up who he is to make her happy.

What’s needed feels feminine. But it’s not. It’s simply human.

And then, he pauses. He takes a breath — into his heart and out of his mind. He remembers this trick from working with me. “The Sacred Pause” – we call it.

 

The sacred pause

“The relationship between husband and wife should be one of closest friends.” – B. R. Ambedkar

He hasn’t been listening to her. He’s been stuck in a response. She said she wants to spend more time with him. He sees that.

He breathes into his feeling body. And leaves his reactive self. He connects with his emotional state. And feels sad about her sadness.

Stuart Motolahttp://www.StuartMotola.com
Stuart Motola specializes in helping individuals and couples attract and maintain a fulfilling partnership. He helps individuals attract who they seek (i.e. date more effectively), kill the voice of desperation and aloneness, and know the difference between a love that makes you big versus a love that makes you small. He teaches couples how to repair after conflict, cut unconscious cycles of projection and blame, communicate more responsibly, and to take risks to reignite passion and aliveness. Stuart has shared his expertise as a coach, author, speaker, and facilitator throughout the world and wrote the #1 Amazon best-selling book “Fixing You Is Killing Me: A Conscious Roadmap To Knowing When To Save And When To Leave Your Relationship.”
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