The 3 Stages Of Love You Must Go Through Before You Get Married

And why shouldn’t get married if you’re only in Stage 1.

The average couple will spend hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars preparing for their wedding day. I get it. It’s an important lovely day. It’s a party for family and friends and, in some cases, an opportunity for the bride’s childhood dreams to come true.

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Over 50 percent of these well-spent couples will end up divorced. There doesn’t appear to be any correlation between the lavishness of the wedding and the health and longevity of the marriage.

So, while you’re doing everything you can to prepare for your wedding day, you might want to consider the 50 years that you’ll, hopefully, be spending together after the honeymoon. Consider adding some Marriage Preparation to your Wedding Planning.

Statistics show that couples who do some premarital counseling, divorce approximately 30 percent less than those who don’t! It’s like buying insurance.

I can hear you saying, “But we’re in love. We don’t need therapy.” And you may not. But, if you want to know how to prepare for marriage, this is one day.

Premarital Counseling is not always therapy in the classic sense. Yes, some couples do come in for help in resolving certain issues that surface in the face of wedding planning.

I’m thinking specifically of financial pressures, religious differences, and family dynamics.

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But even if you’re not exactly struggling with one another, now is a good time to learn better communication skills and put some important tools in your Marriage Toolbox to give your new marriage every opportunity to succeed.

Did you know, for example, that relationships unfold in predictable stages?

1. The Romantic Stage

Nature helps us out with a chemical cocktail to get us going. We are flooded with cortisol, dopamine, oxytocin and vasopressin. These hormones increase our alertness, pleasure, motivation, trust, attachment, sexual arousal, attraction, and obsessive thinking while decreasing our sadness, fear, and boredom.

This is where we fall in love, believing that we’ve found our soulmate and that nothing could ever go wrong. For a lot of people, this stage is where the decision to marry and the proposal takes place.


2. The Power Struggle Stage

For better or worse, the Romantic stage is not meant to last. After several months (up to two years), it is replaced with the next stage, the Power Struggle stage.

At this point, the chemicals wear off and we slowly (or suddenly) begin to see that our partners are not actually perfect. 

We may begin a campaign to get them to change back to the way that they were when we were in the Romantic Stage. The only problem is that this is their true selves. We’ve just lost our chemically induced rose-colored glasses.

Research tells us that the average amount of time that a couple waits to seek counseling after they begin the Power Struggle stage is six years.

This means that they will experience a significant degree of discomfort and unhappiness while trying to negotiate the natural ups and downs of their relationship dynamic… usually without the right tools!

Research also shows that there is a window of opportunity during the year before the wedding and the six months or so after when couples can receive the optimum benefit from marriage preparation.

Later, under stress, negative habits and relationship patterns may become established and be much harder to resolve.


3. The Mature Love Stage

If you can get premarital counseling, either before or during the Power Struggle stage of your relationship, you can avoid much pain and agony, as well as circumvent the formation of bad relationship habits.

With guidance from a trained Relationship Therapist, you can learn an effective way to communicate better, resolve conflicts and deepen intimacy.

In other words, you can leave the Power Struggle behind and move toward Stage 3: Mature Love.

The thing that you will learn in the pursuit of deep and lasting love with your partner is that we don’t get married to be happy. While being happy is nice, actually, marriage has a higher mission. Its mission is to assist each other in transformation.

When we experience conflict it is the opportunity for growth and expansion of our highest selves.

Our spouse becomes our ally in helping us to reach our highest potential as human beings. Your marriage becomes a living laboratory where our deepest wounds are triggered and, hopefully, healed.

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Toni Tesauro

Leandra Janse Van Rensburg

YourTango is the leading online magazine dedicated to love and relationships.