You Can’t Make Someone Love or Commit to You

It was hard to walk up to my friends and say, “You were right.” It was even harder to come to terms with the reality that he is less than perfect.

Part of me hates myself for holding on for so long. I could have saved myself years of heartache and gallons of tears if I had just accepted that I couldn’t make him love me. Instead, I spent years questioning over and over why he couldn’t.

I spent another year trying to force him to be a dad.

If only I had tried harder. If only I had been nicer. If only. If only. It took me years to accept that his actions had nothing to do with me. Just like my uncontrollable behavior and emotional instability was beyond him, his actions were about him and him only.

He had his first two children in his early twenties. He then had his third child with another woman in his late twenties, and then he had our son in his mid thirties. Four children. Three different women. Three different sets of circumstances and times in his life. All the same result.

It was never about my son and me. There is nothing I could have done. There is nothing I could have been. The result would’ve been the same: him out the door. Or more precisely, him kicking us out the door.

He is now in love with someone else. As expected, a baby-free someone else. And he is committed to her—which proves that when a man wants to commit, he will commit. There is no need for us to beg and chase him.

If a man is not committing to you, or your child, he just doesn’t love you.

It might sound harsh, but that’s just the way life is.

Loving someone who doesn’t love us back, or even worse, someone who loves someone else, is the most painful thing in the world. But the most important thing we can do for ourselves is accept that certain things are beyond our control and take responsibility for the things that are.

We need to listen to that inner voice that tells us we deserve to be loved. And we need to accept that some people will never love us, no matter what we do.

The grief and the pain will eventually pass. And this will open the door for us to find someone else who will truly love us and give us everything we wanted with our ex.

But first we have to give up hope. It will never be the way we want it to be. That person you’re waiting on won’t wake up one day and realize they loved you all along.

Giving up hope is the hardest part of moving on, but it’s the most important.

We can’t complain about someone hurting our feelings if we keep letting them. We can’t complain about someone mistreating us if we keep coming back. And we can’t complain about wasted time if we keep walking in circles.

If I had spent the last five years putting the same amount of effort into myself as I did chasing, controlling, and trying to get my ex to love me, I would have been president of the United States by now.

I will never get the last five years back. It was a lot of wasted time and it was a lot of wasted effort.

Wasted time is wasted life.

You Can’t Make Someone Love or Commit to You2



  1. I question how she could know he is committed to the new woman. I think that would still be a part of beating herself up, thinking she was not good enough, yet someone is. One of the best things we can do is try to understand where someone else is coming from, see their hurts that are buried, yet surface in this way. I love someone that says he can never love me, nor anyone else. I have listened to his story and looked beyond my pain, to understand his. I am grateful that we still enjoy time together, even though our story is not what I had hoped for. Perhaps the ending will be better than either of us ever imagined. we are not at the end of the book yet.

  2. There are some parts of the article on which I would have a different perspective but there is no denial of the fact that if you do not respect and love yourself, expecting others to do so is more like a fantasy. And above all love cannot be forced onto someone. Emotional blackmail may hold for a while maybe even years but then where is the unconditional love ??

  3. Knowing when to let go or how long to hold on is difficult decision. This is because in each relationship, the situation is different so for every new love, we are back to square one – learning…experimenting. Then again, that's what love is all about, isn't it?

  4. What's waisted time for one is a significant part of another's journey because there is still a very important lesson to be learned there. Hanging on to something or someone is but the catalyst for the learning that is necessary for positive change. It's this change that will lead to honestly letting go in heart, spirit, mind, body and soul, pointing the way to sweet freedom at long last.

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