7 Things To Remember If You Want To Escape A Miserable Marriage

 / 

, ,
Things Remember Escape Miserable Marriage

Are you feeling stuck in an unhappy marriage? If you are reading this post, it is for sure that you want to escape a miserable marriage at any cost. So, get ready!

It’s time to make a plan.

The vision of marriage is all about diving into life’s riches together. When you’re dating, you can’t get enough of one another. When you’re walking down the aisle, you see only the good that lies ahead. Nowhere in this fairytale is there a chapter on how to escape a miserable marriage. You don’t need it because…well, you just don’t need it. Your love, after all, is perfect. He’s perfect. She’s perfect. And love conquers all.

OK, hypnosis over. Back to reality. Even the most jaw-dropping carriage can be a glitzy cover for a rotting pumpkin. Bippity-boppity-boo doesn’t guarantee forever.

The first reality check is acknowledging (and preparing for) the fact that marriage isn’t all about holding hands and skipping through fields of gold. It’s work. Hard work. But hopefully the kind of work that is entered into with a vision toward personal and relational growth.

That’s why emotional maturity and a commitment to developing good communication skills is imperative. Without them, you will be more likely to see boredom, fighting, and periods of loneliness as signs that you made a mistake.

There are several shades of red in the red-flag category. Your marriage may simply be going through the normal stages of love. It may be unhappy due to neglect. It may be unhealthy because of poor communication skills and their effects. And it may also be downright toxic.

If you’re at a point where you’re trying to figure out how to escape a miserable marriage, hit the pause button. Obviously, that flag you’re waving is bright red. But the first thing you need to do is decide if your marriage is just unhealthy or completely toxic.

Related: Men Who Marry Smart Women Live Longer Says Science

Neither is a pleasant place to be, obviously. But, just as with your physical health that may seem to be deteriorating, “unhealthy” can often be turned around. 

Sometimes we’re unhealthy because we don’t know how to be healthy. And sometimes we’re unhealthy because of a hidden, mysterious, or idiopathic cause. But rarely does someone who has become unhealthy not go to the doctor to seek help.

Simple analogy. Big meaning.

Going from unhealthy to healthy isn’t necessarily a quick fix. But it’s a lot easier to stay the course of fixing things when you know it will work — if you will do your work.

Great relationships require constant hard work.

If you’re wondering how to escape a miserable marriage because it has become toxic, however, you may have a less hopeful prognosis. “Diseases” like abuse, addiction, chronic infidelity, narcissism, and control can have fatal consequences to a marriage.

When your physical and/or emotional safety is at stake, you may have no choice but to leave. And, if you have children, you have to rise above your own fears to create a path forward for you and them.

The most important message for someone asking how to escape a miserable marriage is: Have a plan. If you’re in an unhappy marriage but are afraid to leave, having a plan will be like taking yourself by the hand and walking to safety.

Here are the major points to remember as you structure a plan to escape a miserable marriage.

1. Tell someone. 

Especially if you are in an abusive situation, having a support system is imperative. You’re going to need a village to embrace you and help you through what can be a very painful process. And you’re going to need the sound advice of experts and benevolent people who have been where you are.

Confide in at least a few people whom you know you can trust and who will honour your confidentiality. And make sure your “villagers” have phone numbers and vital information for you. This extra step is particularly important in situations involving abuse, addiction, or extreme control.

Related: 16 Signs Your Partner Sees You As An Option, Not A Priority

2. Build a safety net. 

You’re going to need money to get you through. And, if you’re not already working, you may have no income flowing in that you can personally control. Put aside everything you can so you have money available.

This is a good time to consult with a financial expert, as different states have different laws about property in a divorce.

Building a safety net isn’t as simple as taking money out of your account(s) and hiding it in a suitcase. Common property states maintain that everything acquired during the marriage belongs equally to both spouses. So reach out for guidance to make a financial plan that protects you now without hurting you later.

3. Look for work. 

Even if all you do find is a part-time, low-wage job, start the flow of income. If you haven’t been working and have been relying on your spouse’s income while raising kids, or going to school, establishing independence is paramount. 

Related: Marriage Advice I wish I would have had – after losing a woman that I loved

4. Look for a place to live.

Divorce is complicated, even in the best circumstances. But, when you’re dealing with how to escape a miserable marriage, it can get really messy.

You may not be in a situation where you can just go rent or buy a place, especially if assets are tied up. And, if you have children, you have to consider more than just yourself.

This is why that village is so essential. Is there someone in your life who would open their home to you for a while? If securing a place of your own isn’t as simple as apartment shopping and signing a lease, get creative.

Churches, support groups, domestic violence organizations, your social media friends, a realtor friend – these are all good places to start. You never know who knows someone who knows someone….

Related: The One Daily Talk That Will Benefit Your Marriage

5. Find a good family law attorney. 

If your marriage is really miserable, it has probably been accumulating its toxicity for a long time. And that can make leaving a contentious process. Add children, assets and/or debts to the equation, and it becomes a road you don’t want to travel alone.

Someone who is an expert in family law can help guide you through all the important steps of leaving – finances, children, timing.

6. Stop communication with your partner. 

If you have children together, you will obviously have to communicate. But keep your communication to matters involving the kids.

And, as an extra precaution, document all your communication, no matter how innocuous it may seem. When did you talk/text/email/meet? What was said or done?

Keeping a journal dedicated to your divorce could prove to be very helpful if your partner tries to make things hard on you.

If you have no choice but to be in the same house, strive to create separation as much as possible. You don’t want to be drawn into arguments, crazy-making, or efforts to change your mind. (That’s why you’re in this position in the first place, right?)

7. Seek professional help. 

This is really an extension of building your village. It is so important that you don’t attempt to go through this process alone. While you’re multitasking with all the unfamiliar, painful, moving parts of divorce, your emotions will be taking a silent beating. 

Whether you seek out a therapist, a life/divorce coach, a support group, a pro-bono legal advisor, or all of the above, you need them. You need their empathy, their knowledge, their resources, their clarity, and their strength.

This is one of the most important gifts you can give yourself as you navigate one of the most difficult decisions you will ever make.

There are really only three solutions to living in a miserable marriage. You continue simply surviving in an unhappy marriage; you learn how to fix an unhealthy marriage, or you leave.

if you’ve tried everything you can to make things work, but you’re losing your spirit and sense of self, you probably already know the answer.


Written by: Dr Karen Finn
Originally appeared on drkarenfinn.com and is republished here with permission. 
Dr Karen Finn is a divorce life coach. She helps her clients navigate the challenges of divorce – from the moment it enters their mind as a possible solution for the discontent they feel in their marriage (it’s not always the best answer), through the turmoil of divorce to creating a fulfilling life post-divorce. To learn more about Karen and how you can work with her, visit her website.  
Things Remember Escape Miserable Marriage pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

When You Outgrow Love: What Is Grey Divorce And How To Thrive After

What Is Grey Divorce and How to Redefine Your Story

Divorce is never an easy decision to make. But sometimes life happens and you have to do the unimaginable. Grey divorce is one such experience that can feel like an unthinkable decision, yet, you know you just need to take the step. But what is grey divorce?

In life, at a certain stage we may feel that it is absolutely crucial that we start over, not only to survive but also to thrive. It becomes necessary that we step into the unknown regardless how scary or irrational it may sound. And the same goes for a marriage. 

Even if you may have shared a lifetime together and created lasting memories and experiences, a divorce may be the only option left for a happier, healthier and better life. That’s the reality for an increasing number of couples who find themselves in the realm of “grey divorce.” 



Up Next

7 Reasons People Regret Divorce: Understanding The Post-Divorce Journey

Reasons People Regret Divorce: The Post-Divorce Journey

There are many people who feel like they got a new lease of life after getting divorced, but there are also people who end up regretting divorce. But, why do some people regret getting a divorce? This article is going to focus on some of the reasons people regret divorce and what goes through their minds.

KEY POINTS

While divorce can be a healthy option for some people, others might experience pain and regret.

It’s not uncommon to underestimate the effects that divorce will have in various areas of life.

Therapy, communication, and time can help heal the wounds.

Acc



Up Next

7 Emotions You May Feel When You Decide To Divorce

When You Decide To Divorce: Unexpected Emotions You Feel

Making the decision to divorce is one of the hardest decisions to make. When you decide to divorce your spouse, you may feel a ton of emotions that you did not expect at all. This article is going to talk about those feelings and emotions so that if ever you make the decision to divorce, you know what to expect.

KEY POINTS

The decision to divorce is a personal and deeply emotional experience.

There is a common misperception that the person who decides to divorce doesn’t suffer from the decision.

The emotional journey is unique to each individual, and there are no right or wrong ways to feel.



Up Next

10 Honest Reactions Of Children To Divorce

Honest Reactions Of Children To Divorce

When two people divorce, we think about how they might be feeling about the breakdown of their marriage. What about the reactions of children to divorce? How does a child cope with divorce? How do children react to divorce? Let’s find out!

When your children experience your divorce, their reactions will vary depending on their ages, personalities, family dynamics, and the circumstances of the divorce. Some children will experience immediate distress, while others may not show signs of distress until later. Some children internalize their emotions and appear more resilient than they are.

However, the biggest factor affecting their reactions is the level of conflict between you and your spouse. Even if your children don’t witness conflict, they can sense it, even in the way that you hug them.



Up Next

5 Ways To Reduce The Stigma Of Divorce

Stigma Of Divorce: Ways To Normalize Divorce

One of the worst parts of getting divorced is the stigma that comes with it; the social stigma of divorce is sometimes more painful than the actual divorce. That’s why it’s important to normalize divorce and reduce this stigma of divorce. This article is going to explore the best ways to cut back on the stigma of divorce.

KEY POINTS

The language in Western cultures around divorce reinforces the stigma of divorce.

Normalizing divorce can reduce the stigma and foster a more supportive environment for those going through it.

Divorce is often a difficult and emotional process, and offering support can make a significant difference.



Up Next

How To Date A Widower? Finding Love Again

Dating A Widower: Tips and the Red Flags You Can't Ignore!

Picking yourself up after losing a spouse is a traumatizing experience. Learning how to date a widower will allow you to provide a safe space for healing for the man you love and care for.  

If you’re thinking about dating a widower, it’s important to know how to handle things. It can be a tricky road to navigate, but can provide you with a loving and fulfilling relationship.

This article is here to help you out. We’ll give you some simple tips and advice that can make things easier for you.

How To Date A Widower? 

When it comes to dating a widower, it’s essential to approach the relationsh



Up Next

How To Get Over A Failed Marriage

How To Get Over A Failed Marriage: Nine Strategies For Healing

Is your marriage going down the drain? Do you feel heartbroken, lost and confused, with no apparent way to make things better with your spouse? Well, you can still heal yourself and move on. Let’s explore how to get over a failed marriage.

A Union of Blessings or Pain?

Marriage is often considered a sacred bond between two individuals, filled with love, companionship, and dreams of a shared future. It is a union bestowed with blessings, often from a higher power.

However, not all marriages have a fairy-tale ending. When a