WHEN I LOVED MYSELF ENOUGH – BY KIM MCMILLEN

For many years I lived with a guarded heart. I did not know how to extend love and compassion to myself. In my fortieth year that began changing. As I grew to love all of who I am, life started changing in beautiful and mysterious ways. My heart softened and I began to see through very different eyes. My commitment to follow this calling grew strong and in the process a divine intelligence came to guide my life. I believe this ever present resource is grace, and is available to us all. For the past twelve years I have been lemming to recognize and accept this gift. Cultivating love and compassion for myself made it possible.

The following steps are uniquely mine. Yours will look different. But I do hope mine give voice to a hunger you may share.

Kim McMillen

When I loved myself enough…

When I loved myself enough I quit settling for too little.

When I loved myself enough I came to know my own goodness.

When I loved myself enough I began taking the gift of life seriously and gratefully.

When I loved myself enough I began to know I was in the right place at the right time and I could relax.

When I loved myself enough I felt compelled to slow down way down. And that has made all the difference.

When I loved myself enough I bought a feather bed.

When I loved myself enough I came to love being alone surrounded by silence, awed by its spell, listening to inner space.

When I loved myself enough I came to see I am not special but I am unique.

When I loved myself enough I redefined success and life became simple. Oh, the pleasure of that.

When I loved myself enough I came to know I am worthy of knowing God directly.

When I loved myself enough I began to see I didn’t have to chase after life. If I am quiet and hold still, life comes to me.

When I loved myself enough I gave up the belief that life is hard.

When I loved myself enough I came to see emotional pain is a signal I am operating outside truth.

When I loved myself enough I let the tomboy in me swing off the rope in Jackass Canyon. Yes!

When I loved myself enough I learned to meet my own needs and not call it selfish.

When I loved myself enough the parts of me long-ignored, the orphans of my soul, quit vying for attention. That was the beginning of inner peace. Then I began seeing clearly.

When I loved myself enough I began to see that desires of the heart do come, and I grew more patient and calm, except when I forgot.

When I loved myself enough I quit ignoring or tolerating my pain.

When I loved myself enough I started feeling all my feelings, not analyzing them really feeling them. When I do, something amazing happens. Try it. You will see.

When I loved myself enough my heart became so tender it could welcome joy and sorrow equally.

When I loved myself enough I started meditating every day. This is a profound act of self-love.

When I loved myself enough I came to feel like a gift to the world and I collected beautiful ribbons and bows. They still hang on my wall to remind me.

When I loved myself enough I learned to ask ‘Who in me is feeling this way?’ when I feel anxious, angry, restless or sad. If I listen patiently I discover who needs my love.

When I loved myself enough I no longer needed things or people to make me feel safe.

My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.

When I loved myself enough I gave up perfectionism that killer of joy.

When I loved myself enough I could tell the-truth about my gifts and my limitations.

When I loved myself enough I quit answering the telephone when I don’t want to talk.

When I loved myself enough forgiving others became irrelevant.

When I loved myself enough I could remember, during times of confusion, struggle or grief, that these too are part of me and deserve my love.

When I loved myself enough I could allow my heart to burst wide open and take in the pain of the world.

When I loved myself enough I started picking up litter on the street.

When I loved myself enough I could feel God in me and see God in you. That makes us divine! Are you ready for that?

When I loved myself enough I started writing about my life and views because I knew this was my right and my responsibility.

When I loved myself enough I began to see my purpose and gently wean myself from distractions.

When I loved myself enough I saw that what I resisted persisted like a small child tugging my skirt. Now I am curious and gentle when resistance comes tugging.

When I loved myself enough I learned to stop what I am doing, if even for a moment, and comfort the part of me that is scared.

When I loved myself enough I learned to say no when I want to and yes when I want to.

When I loved myself enough I saw beyond right and wrong and became neutral. At first I thought this was indifference; now I see the clarity that comes with neutrality.

When I loved myself enough I began to feed my hunger for solitude and revel in the inexplicable contentment that is its companion.

When I loved myself enough I could see how funny life is, how funny I am and how funny you are.

When I loved myself enough I recognized my courage and fear, my naivety and wisdom, and I make a place for each at my table.

When I loved myself enough I started treating myself to a massage at least once a month.

When I loved myself enough I realized I am never alone.

When I loved myself enough I stopped fearing empty time and quit making plans. Now I do what feels right and am in step with my own rhythms. Delicious!

When I loved myself enough I quit trying to impress my brother.

When I loved myself enough I stopped trying to banish the critical voices from my head. Now I say, Thankyou for your views’ and they feel heard. End of discussion.

When I loved myself enough I let the part of me that still misses Kent feel sad instead of trying to stop her from loving him.

When I loved myself enough I began buying a hostess fruit pie for the teenager in me who loves them so. Once in a while, cherry.

When I loved myself enough I quit trying to be a savior for others.

When I loved myself enough I lost my fear of speaking my truth for I have come to see how good it is.

When I loved myself enough I began pouring my feelings into my journals. These loving companions speak my language. No translation needed.

When I loved myself enough I stopped seeking ‘experts’ and started living my life.

When I loved myself enough I came to see how my anger teaches about responsibility and my arrogance teaches about humility, so I listen to both carefully.

When I loved myself enough I started eating organically grown food (except for those occasional fruit pies of course).

When I loved myself enough I could be at ease with the comings and goings of judgement and despair.

When I loved myself enough I was able to be treated to a $50 haircut and enjoy every minute of it.

When I loved myself enough I quit having to be right which makes being wrong meaningless.

When I loved myself enough I learned to grieve for the hurts in life when they happen instead of making my heart heavy from lugging them around.

When I loved myself enough I forgave myself for all the times I thought I wasn’t good enough.

When I loved myself enough things got real quite inside. Real nice.

When I loved myself enough I began listening to the wisdom of my body. It speaks so clearly through its fatigue, sensitivities, aversions and hungers.

When I loved myself enough I quit fearing my fear.

When I loved myself enough I quit rehashing the past and worrying about the future – which keeps me in the present where aliveness lives.

When I loved myself enough I realized my mind can torment and deceive me, but in the service of my heart it is a great and noble ally.

When I loved myself enough I began to taste freedom.

When I loved myself enough I found my voice and wrote this little book.