Love and Learn

ajohnson

Love and learn

I just want to lie on the top of a hill among the flowers and the blossom trees on a cloud-free night
Then, I want to think about the big questions the ones we always wonder about but remain unanswered
Life and death, family and friendships, love and heartbreaks


And at that instant, I will think of you

I will think of all the promises you’ve made me
I will think of your smile that acts like a spell making my heart melt
I will think of how you laugh wholeheartedly and how it makes your dimples appear making me lose myself
I will think about all those little things that make my heart flutter every time I look at you or hear your name
I will be cognizant of how deeply in love with you I am

Afterwards, I will begin to remember.

I will remember how you forget about me all the time
I will remember how I am never someone who goes through your primary thoughts
I will remember how you looked at me like a neutral someone
I will remember how I lose your attention every time we aren’t just the both of us
I will remember how you talk about other girls in front of me like I’m not even there
I will remember how you said you hadn’t, haven’t and will never have any feelings for me emotionlessly
And that’s when I’ll realize you don’t love me and you never did

And that’s when I will feel my heart crush again under this blossom tree that seems like a silhouette under the moonlight trying to comfort me while all I need is you

I will cry myself out like all of me was broken
I will cry myself out to make you and the thoughts of you disappear
I will cry myself out till I cannot cry anymore

I will realize each time I was thinking of you and wondering if you were thinking of me too was a waste of time
I will realize that you will always be in my heart and can never be forgotten because you took a piece of me with you
I will realize that I won’t be the same person you used to know and you won’t even realize it

I will have more scars and try a new mask to cover it up but I’ll just end up losing myself in all those tricks of trying to look fine when I’ve definitely been just a wreckage on the inside for so many years
I will fight myself in order to still believe in love and its reciprocity and that it’s just because you weren’t the one for me and at the end there would have been no way to make this relationship work
I will resist the idea that I wasn’t good enough or not enough to earn your love.

The flowers, the trees, and the moon will make me remember what a perfectly lovable imperfection I am

The trees will make me feel good about myself and will remember me someone will love me the same way I do love him and will make me feel peaceful and loved around him
The flowers will tell me how amazing I am and how much I worth and remember me that the time isn’t right yet and that no one can do anything about that

The moon will tell me that everything is okay and I’m on the right path of life and she will remember me that I’m becoming the strong woman she has always wanted me to become.

Furthermore, every time my heart breaks I uncover a little piece of my true self to me, but also she will tell me that love is right next door behind the one door called “knowing my true self”.

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