When Your Partner Loves You, But They’re Not In Love With You

What is the one-sentence that has ended more relationships than any other?
“I love you but I’m not in love with you.”

Although it may be overused, but this one declaration can be painful for both partners in a romantic relationship. The unwelcome realization that the connection, the spark, the romance is fading away can be devastating. But what does it mean? Let’s take a look….

“A great relationship doesn’t happen because of the love you had in the beginning, but how well you continue building love until the end.” – unknown

When You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling

“Jeremy told me that he loves me but he’s not IN love with me. When I asked him what he meant, he couldn’t really explain it. Something about no longer feeling the same way that he used to but nothing specific. I knew where this was going and sure enough, I was right. The next thing he said was ‘I want us to be friends, good friends’. Well, the very LAST thing I want to be with him right now is his friend. I don’t ever want to see him again!”

Ellen was upset, to put it mildly. Actually she was outraged, and hurt, and confused, and broken-hearted. And if you’ve ever been in Ellen’s shoes, you probably know how she felt. And if you’ve ever been in Jeremy’s shoes, you know what he felt, and perhaps had just as much difficulty articulating it as he did.

“I love you but I’m not IN love with you.” Linda and I have heard from so many people who were on either the sending or the receiving side of this message that we began to get curious about what was going on with them when they received or delivered it. Some of the things that we heard them say about what they really meant but felt that they couldn’t say were:

— I’m not enjoying our relationship anymore and I don’t really want to continue being in it.

— I don’t think that we’re a good fit.

— The thrill and intensity of the initial infatuation have faded and now it’s not as much fun as it used to be.

— I think you’re a nice person, but I’m holding out for someone with whom there will be no fading effect and things will be easy, fun, and hot with us all the time.

— I’m beginning to notice that we have “issues” and I don’t like where this is going.

— I want to get out before it gets too difficult to leave.

— I’m thinking that you have longer-range plans for us than I do.

— I’m feeling claustrophobic in our relationship and I don’t know how to talk about it without making you upset.

— I’m having feelings that are uncomfortable and disturbing to me and I think that you’re causing them.

— I don’t want to hurt or anger you because then you might do the same to me so I’ll try to say what I need to say in a way that won’t make you feel bad.

— You don’t make me feel the way you used to.

— I want to slow/cool/wind down our relationship.

— I want out.

Not every relationship is meant to last forever, and more often than not, each partner may feel differently about whether or not it’s time to call it quits. But how do you know when it’s really over and when the discomfort that you feel is an indicator that there’s work to be done before you can upgrade your relationship to the next level?

Knowing the difference between these two is crucial for anyone who seeks to deepen the quality of connection in their relationship.

Like the lyrics of another popular song say, “You gotta know when to hold ’em, and when to fold ’em.” The impulse to fold is strong when things (inevitably) get difficult in a relationship. There is an understandable tendency to justify our decision by telling ourselves that it’s just not working anymore, rather than looking at some of the deeper causes for the boredom, resentment, or discomfort.

The problem with leaving too soon is that you may be missing the very thing that you originally signed up to get in the first place. It’s possible that the love that you wanted to experience is available on the other side of the next challenge, or the one after that.

“Don’t settle for a relationship that prevents you from being yourself.” – Oprah Winfrey

“That loving feeling” is often another term for infatuation, which literally means, “to be in a state of unreasonable and short-lived passion.” The word “fatuous” means “deluded and self-deceiving”. Infatuation is nature’s way of getting us together so that we can perpetuate the species.

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Linda and Charlie Bloom
Linda Bloom, LCSW and Charlie Bloom, MSW have been trained as psychotherapists and relationship counselors and have worked with individuals, couples, groups, and organizations since 1975. They have lectured and taught at universities and learning institutes throughout the USA, including the Esalen Institute, the Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health, 1440 Multiversity, and many others.  They have taught seminars in many countries throughout the world. They have co-authored four books, 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last, Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth From Real Couples About Lasting Love, Happily Ever After And 39 Other Myths About Love, and That Which Doesn't Kill Us: How One Couple Became Stronger at the Broken Places. They have been married since 1972 and are the parents of two adult children and three grandsons. Linda and Charlie live in Santa Cruz, California. Their website is www.bloomwork.com
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