Most of us are looking for true love and a meaningful relationship. Yet, most of the times we tend to push people away because we are too scared to let love into our lives. We are scared of getting hurt and getting our hearts broken. And with good reason. But it doesn’t have to be this way. You can let someone love you fully and show your vulnerable side without getting hurt. Love can heal you if you let it.
Intimacy can be downright terrifying.
I have had dozens of clients over the past few years who have described a sense of fear in allowing someone to see them emotionally. They feared to get close. They feared being comforted. They feared to lay their heads down on their partner’s chest because the “what ifs” in their minds wouldn’t quiet down for a moment to let them enjoy themselves.
As a personal survivor of a few awful breakups, this resistance to intimacy makes complete sense to me. Our minds go to great lengths to avoid repeating past pain. If the script in your mind is telling you “Remember the last time you opened up to someone? It really didn’t end well for you…” then you will have a natural reluctance to opening up to anyone else.
But you must.
For your emotional fulfillment, and that of your partners, you have to learn how to let people in.
You can amass a perfect structure of health, wealth, and personality… but if it is all a front to keep people at arm’s distance then you won’t ever be truly fulfilled.
Maybe there was an awful breakup. Maybe someone cheated. Or someone made you feel not good enough.
And you’re afraid to let someone in.
By learning to choose vulnerability and let someone see you for who you are, you will gain access to a world of fulfillment, joy, creativity, and blissful love.
3 Ways To Let Someone Love You Deeply
1. Figure Out Your Emotional Patterns
Everyone has them, but few people are aware of what they are.
Maybe you’re a child of divorce. Maybe someone broke your heart. Maybe your parents had such a perfect marriage that you’re afraid that you can’t live up to it.
Whatever lies in your emotional past, there’s a good chance that there are a few stones left unturned.
Our thoughts and beliefs are largely run by our subconscious mind. It’s what I call the “Iceberg effect”. You’re aware of the 10% of the ice that’s above the waterline, but in reality, it’s the 90% of the ice that’s hidden from view that runs the show.
How do you figure out what these blind spots are? You may need someone to help you with that.
Whether it’s a highly attuned and emotionally skilled lover, a therapist or a specialized coach, some external perspective on your situation is the most effective way to see what’s really running your emotional life.
Once you figure out what your fears and emotional patterns are telling you, make sure you let your partner in on them.
Communicate with your partner early and often so that when your “thing” comes up, it isn’t as much of a surprise and you’ll both feel like you have more control over the situation.
If words are too difficult to use when you start to feel vulnerable, establish a signal between the two of you that means “my insecurity/fear/thing is coming up right now and I need you to love me through it/be patient with me/give me a moment of space.”
There are no hard and fast rules about what intimacy should look like so figure out the road map that makes the most sense to the two of you.
Make an effort to become experts in loving each other in the way that each of you needs.
3. Let Them Love You When You Need It The Most
There will be times when your fear/insecurity/thing will come up and you will want to push your partner away. This is your shame speaking and it is up to you and your partner to help you navigate these sometimes scary moments.